[pandabear824]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months. We have known eachother over four years though. When we started dating he was a virgin, and now he is not. I, myself am not a saint in this department, I went through a not so great childhood and guys seemed to pick up on that right away and used it to their advantage.
I was also raped while I was going to college during a party, my coca-cola was micked.
All this my boyfriend is aware of, I made it a point to be completely honest with him so he knew what kind of baggage may come up in our future.
On thanksgiving this year I had a huge fight with my dad regarding his new wife. A couple days later I decided to write him an email explaining my point of view, which I asked my boyfriend to come over and read for me to make sure I was clear in my thoughts and not rude.
We ate dinner and dessert together, then he took me into the bedroom to give me a massage. He told me that he knew I was not in the mood for any kind of sexual behavior that night but he just wanted to try and make me relax. after the massage we laid and cuddled for awhile.
i should mention here first that my boyfriend has a very healthy sexual appetite, and lately the stress of things in my life have made it hard for me to be in the mood. i have tried a couple times to get there when he mentions that he is in the mood, but he has stopped his advances when it has been realized that it is just not going to work for me.
this night however, was different. during our cuddle, we began to kiss. this did excite him, and he asked if he could try something that might make me feel good/better, something he wanted to do just for me. i gave him the green light, and he went down on me. i realized though a few minutes in that i was not in enough of a mood to participate in these activities. however at this time my boyfriend had also placed himself in a certain position. he acted like he was going to continue the actions, but then he looked at my face and asked me if i wanted him to stop.
i told him yes, and he did stop. but my thoughts regarding all this are:
he knew i wasnt in a sexual mood, but he kinda pushed anyways
what happened to get to the point where he almost did what he did
can i forgive him for this
should i stay with him
he knew i was raped before, why would he put me in a situation where it felt very similar
can i call this potential rape?
how can i get over this to possibly continue the relationship
how can i trust him again
can i believe his tears when he says it wont happen again

i am so confused, with no clue as to which road to take. i love my boyfriend to death, we had started discussing plans to get married in the future and kids and such. but i am also a realist, and a survivor. if the best avenue to take is to break up with him, then i will, no matter how hard it will be.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

From what you’ve written, I don’t see that your boyfriend did ANYTHING wrong. 😯

That you liken his wanting to have sex with you to potential rape is a big warning sign for you that you’ve got some problems you need to deal with. Rape is a serious crime. Your boyfriend tried to have sex with you — you said yes, then you changed your mind, and he stopped. Please be very careful with allegations like this. 😕

I think you’re shirking responsibility from yourself and blaming him for your past and your feelings about the past. It’s completely unfair for you to blame him for “putting you in a situation” where he wants to have sex with you, just because you had a trauma in your past. A criminal is someone who doesn’t abide by the law. Your boyfriend is nowhere near that status. In fact, he sounds like a really good, normal boyfriend.

So absolve him of your feelings and turn to the mirror to start the continuing process of healing from your trauma. YOU have to be responsible for putting yourself into situations that are going to reignite your old scars and you have to process what happened (easier said than done). What happened in the incident you described with your boyfriend may very well happen again because your boyfriend isn’t you and he doesn’t know what goes on in your head — he is trying to do the best he can and you have to keep talking to him and working with him if you’re going to consider marrying him and having children with him. I know it’s not a fair comparison, but he will also bring baggage to the relationship that you weren’t a party to. For instance, he may have relationships with his birth family that you weren’t in on because you didn’t know him when he grew up, so you can listen to him and encourage him to work through his relationships and his inner issues, but you can’t do it for him. He’s got the same deal with you. He can only be there for you, love you, and talk with you as much as you allow him in — but he isn’t always going to do the right thing for you because he doesn’t always know what that right thing is…. because you won’t always know what it is.

Ease up on him. He sounds like a good guy. This was a bump in the road, that’s all. And it has to do with your past — not him. 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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