[lostnconfused2]

I have been married to a narcissist for 12 years now and a few years ago when I was pregnant I found out about a few affairs he had. I have tried to forgive and get past it and it has been very difficult as I can’t seem to forget about it mainly because he would not admit to it and said I was crazy and during this time he made me out to be the most horrible person in existance to his family and they now want nothing to do with me because of his lies.

However a few months ago he came clean at least to an extent and said I was right all along, although he was only telling me this for one reason… One of his affairs resulted in a child and now she wants child support, he claims he was with her once but then the second time she drugged and raped him, now I am sure this is possible but he his a very big guy and he had already been with her willingly so I don’t beleive this story to be true and just a way to explain the child without seeming at fault. In a cry for attention he admitting to attempting suicide by driving into the river, I don’t even know if this is true or just another lie, but it really scares me as I don’t want my children to lose their father.

I have tried really hard to support him to keep our family together, he even has me fill out all his court documents for him (which means I have copies of everything). But I am not permitted to talk to anyone and this secret is taking a toll on me and therefore my children, he won’t let me leave and threatens me in every way if I even try. The worst is how he has family and friends perceiving me as this terrible person but it is just him projecting on me all while they all think he is an angel and could do no harm. I read comments from other people mostly men on the web who say women in my situation deserve it, but they cannot even begin to imagine the nightmare that I am living.

So I can neither leave nor continue to live in this environment and I want people to see him for who he really is and share his secret. He won’t tell his parents, should I? Apparently they already hate me so even if it seems spiteful may they will come to understand what a sociopath their son really is. Will this give him the push to finally agree to a divorce so we can all move on? Help please…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Take a look around you. Do you see bars and a cell? Are you shackled? 😯

You’re acting like a victim half the time, and the other half, like a little girl who is going to “tell” on him to his parents. 🙁 Time to wake up and smell the coffee! 😉

This family you’re trying to hold together is a fantasy in your mind. You admit that your husband is a narcissist — if you believe that, then you should probably reconsider the idea that he’s going to be a good father. And that means that what you’re trying to hold together is not real. 😳

Some of these stories he’s telling you are pretty amazing and between the attempted suicide, the alleged date rape and the secret love child, the father to your children than you’re protecting is not going to help your kids one bit until he gets help. And because you can’t get him help, the best thing you can do is to try to give your kids at least one healthy parent. You.

So to get healthy here’s what you need to do: You need to stop enabling bad behavior and stop acting like a victim. Your husband now has another child by another woman, and hopefully, he’ll be a good father to that child. Your children now have a half-sibling and when your husband gets healthy, he’s going to want to introduce the kids. You have to brace for the fact that there may be other kids out there. And other lies that you’re going to uncover.

Don’t tell his parents. That’s his job if he wants to take it on.

Don’t agree to not talk to other people about what’s happened — and don’t pretend he’s “not permitting” you to talk about what’s happened to you. It’s bad enough that he’s lying to you — don’t you start lying to yourself, too! 😕 You’re allowed to talk to your family and friends in order to get support. Don’t trash talk, but do get help for yourself by making decisions with the input of your family. You may need them more than you do now. Secrets do take a toll, and it’s time for you to unburden yourself of that one.

Stop worrying what other people think of you. When you stop acting like a victim, you won’t need to worry about what others think of you.

As for divorce — if that’s what you want, then go get one. Just walk into the court house and ask for help filling out the papers. There are ways to get divorced if your husband won’t fill out the paperwork — ask a lawyer or if you can’t afford one, ask your local court self help office how to do it.

I hope this helps. Please let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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