[GPM]

Hello to all,
I’m new here. I’m a 33 yr single male, and I need help to understand what this woman is really trying to tell me.
Here’s my story:
I met this woman on-line about two and half months ago. We really have lots in common, and I mean LOTS in common. For about 2 months, we were chatting online about every day (for a few hours every time). We both really enjoyed our “conversations”. We’ve never actually met in person however. This is the reason: before meeting online, she was already planning on returning to her home country for an undertermined period of time (probably a year or two). So she didn’t want to get involved in relationship before leaving, and then suffer from a distance relationship.
Now she’s in her home country. We still email eachother on very regualar basis. I’d like to wait for her return, but I’m getting mixed signals.
On one side, she says:
-I miss you, I like you, you’re a very special guy
-She calls me “dearest”
-She says: “If I wasn’t gone, you’d be my boyfriend.”
-I asked her what her reaction would be if I fell in love with somebody else and her answer was: It would kill me.

On the other side:
-she gave me her “permission” to date other women because she doesn’t want me to wait for her. She wants me to be happy, and a distance relationship might be difficult emtionally for me (“us”).

My question is: What does she want? If she likes me, why does she want me to date other women? I’m so confused. What’s she trying to tell me: wait for me or don’t wait for me?

Thanks for your responses!

[Ask April Masini]

She has told you exactly what she thinks you should do — you need to date other women.

Whether you like it or not she is in another country for “an undetermined period of time”. Neither you (nor she) should be waiting for the other. And quite frankly, based upon your post I feel certain she is not sitting there, on the other side of the world, “waiting for you”. Yours is a fantasy relationship. You’ve never even met this woman and, again, based upon her comments, you likely never will.

Bottom-line: Regardless of how much you think you have in common — unless you are only looking for a pen-pal type of relationship — I would strongly advise you to stop trying to see more complicated meaning in her remarks than what’s truly there.

She told you:
1) she doesn’t know when (or if) she’s coming back to the US
2) she told you to date other women, and
3) [u]she told you that you should not wait for her.[/u]

[i][b]How much clearer do you need her to be?[/b][/i]

[Ethan Morales]

You’re sitting in a fantasy that looks a lot better on paper than it does in practice. Here’s the honest take.

What she’s saying with words like “I miss you” and “it would kill me” is emotional affection from afar, but not commitment. Those phrases are comforting, not binding. At the same time she’s giving you permission to date other people which is the clearest statement she made about what she actually wants you to do. Mixed signals? Sure. But actions and explicit permission beat romantic-sounding hypotheticals every time.

Don’t lean on the idea that this is The Real Thing because you chat for hours. You’ve never met. You don’t know how she behaves in her real life, under real pressure, with real choices. Long-distance feelings can be real, but they’re also easy to idealise. She may genuinely care about you and still not be willing or able to pursue a relationship right now.

Here’s what I’d do if I were you: accept her permission as the honest option and stop putting your life on pause. Date other people, casually and with respect. That doesn’t mean ghosting her or being cruel it means you live your life instead of waiting for an uncertain future. If you want to keep her in the picture, say that explicitly: “I care about you, but I’m not going to put my life on hold. I’ll keep in touch, but I’m dating others.” Clear, adult, and fair.

If you really want to test whether this is worth waiting for, get specifics from her: a timeline, a concrete plan to visit, or a real meeting within X months. If she can’t or won’t give that, it’s not a relationship, it’s a comfort zone. Don’t confuse comfort with a real partnership.

One last practical line you can send if you want to be direct but respectful: “I like you and I enjoy our conversations. I’m also not willing to put my life on hold indefinitely. If you want us to have a real chance, tell me when you’ll be back, and we’ll plan to meet. If not, I’ll keep in touch, but I’m going to date other people.”

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