[tamiwith2]

Hi April,
I have been dating a man for almost three years. He is 42 and I am 40. Over this time he has ended our relationship several times. He ususally says he is bad for me or sometimes he has spring fever. We have both been divorced-he has been separated for almost 6 years and me for almost 4. We both have kids, who for the most part get a long very well. I love him very deeply and he says he feels the same, that the breakups are never because of a lack of love. When he ends things we dont usually talk for several days, then he will text me or email me, often suggesting he has some things of mine to return, or he will offer some supportive words about something he knows is gong on in my life etc. Then somehow, we always end up back together again, but never with any discussion about a future. This past weekend, out of nowhere, I found myself telling him that I was ending the relationship (the first timeI have done this with him), because I have finally realized that he doesnt want the same thing as I do, a future. He didnt argue with me or fight for us. He tried to explain that he wants to be with me but cant. He cant because he thinks he has made too many mistakes in our relationship, and that he cant because he has fear. His fear is that we will move in together and one day everything will fall apart and that he cant go through that.
April, this man and I share something so rare, at least n my eyes I guess. We have a connecion that is undeniable, even people outside of our relationship see it, and we both know it. We have so much fun together, we both love the time we share, which, when in a relationship, is a lot. EVERY aspect of relationhsip is really great, except that he doesnt want to commit. I read so many articles that say that if a man truly loves you, that nothing will stand in his way to make you his. Is this true, is it possible he doesnt really care that deeply for me.
Things were fine when I decided to end it, I am not even sure where it came from-life was really great, except for this nagging feeling inside me. I am hoping he will realize what he is loosing and decide he doesnt want to live his life without me. Do you think this will happen, is there anything I can do to help it along, or is it time for me to face the truth that he doesnt love me enough and try to move on. The pain inside is relentless it just doesnt make sense that two people who love each other so much, who can never seem to let each other go, can walk away from that which makes them so happy. Please help April, I feel so lost.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Compatibility is a key to making a relationship work, and you and your boyfriend don’t have that compatibility. 🙁 He has made it very clear to you that he has emotional problems that keep him from committing to you in the way that you want, and he’s behaved as such with his multiple break ups, too. You can pretend that the love you have is enough to overcome these emotional problems he is, but you’ll be fooling yourself. Three years is WAY more than enough time to invest in a relationship and you’ve found that this isn’t going to end in marriage or in stability. Face the facts. You’re 40 years old, and if you do want to get married, it’s time for you to focus on that goal. Love will come and go, but there are other things that make a marriage or a long term committed relationship work, and they are compatibility, respect and mutual goals. You only have love, and in this case, that’s not enough.

Stop fooling yourself. You know this man very well and he’s not going to change. Don’t waste any more time. Don’t break up with him because you think he will change his behavior. Break up with him because you’ve decided to change yours.

[tamiwith2]

April,
Thank you for your quick and honest response. It hurts to read the words, but if I am honest with myself, I knew it, but was just hoping I was wrong. But this personal honesty doesnt ease the unbearable pain I am feeling inside, nor does it stop the tears that I am struggling to contain. Do you have some good advise to help me move on, to relieve some of the sadness. I cant help but think about all the good stuff. he was my best friend and to lose the man I love so much and my best friend in one quick swoop is really, really difficult to deal with. I would really value your help.
Thank you again…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I get a lot of readers asking the same question you’re asking in this post: How do I make the pain stop? 🙁 Nobody likes to feel hurt, but remember that all pain — physical and emotional — originates in your brain, so if you can use your brain to think through why what happened happened, you won’t make the pain go away, but it won’t feel like your enemy. You’ll understand that the pain in this break up is a part of you and a part of the end of the relationship and important to your moving on.

So, understand that you’re sad and hurt because you thought this man was your best friend and would be your lover forever or even your husband. You’re disappointed because you didn’t get what you wanted. You feel the loss of something YOU THOUGHT you had, but if you can understand that he was never what you wanted him to be or what you thought he was — someone who would be there for you in the long run — then it’s not so much of a loss as a mistake you made, and one that you’ll have an opportunity to correct in the future as you get back out there and meet other men and date smarter this time around.

Lots of people don’t want to do that brainwork, and for them, sometimes focusing their positive energy on other things like exercise, work, healthy relationships with family and friends, and even meeting new men, helps them to move past the hurt and to forget it. If you can balance a mental understanding of what happened and why it was a mistake more than a loss, with getting those endorphins moving, getting a fabulous new haircut and some sexy, new shoes, gardening, going to social events with old and new friends and basically re-creating and re-living your life as a single person, you’re going to get over this break up, the heart break, and the healing so that you can be healthy and wise next time around.

I hope that helps.

[Member]

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