[Anonymous]

I’ll try to keep it as brief and concise because the story per se is years long. some years ago I was seeing this guy, it was more like a friends with benefits situation; at times we would go for months without seeing each other and then sort of hang out and hook up when we did. This guy I used to see introduced me to a really good friend of his (Chris) and we instantly bonded: we straight away became really good friends, we’d talk all the time, he’d call me and text me during the summer, and he would sleep over at my place from time to time, our relationship still being completely platonic. A couple of years ago i stopped seeing his friend, and in turn, Chris had a brief relationship with one of my girl friends. We lost touch for a while, as the both of us were leading very different lives, up until recently, where prior to the summer we ‘rekindled’ our friendship and started talking again from time to time.
Purely by coincidence this summer we found ourselves in the same place and started hanging out.. needless to say, I felt as if none of the years had passed, and (strangely enough) just like old times we slept in the same bed doing nothing more than cuddling. At that point, Chris had started to give me mixed signals, telling me he’d want to kiss me, saying we should try being together because we are such good friends etc etc. Nothing(but kisses) happened until a couple of weeks later, when after practically living at his place for a whole week (and after all of these years of foreplay haha) we had sex. 4 months have passed since then, and we are still having sex.
Things are evolving very very slowly, again he is giving me mixed signals.. he shows me he is jealous about other guys and the sex has become much sweeter and he is constantly telling me how much he cares yet he hasn’t really initiated ‘the talk’ and sometimes we will go for days at a time without seeing each other. I think both of us started having sex thinking things wouldn’t really change much naively enough, but as we all know sex changes everything. It doesn’t feel at all like we are fuck buddies, he is not at all acting that way, nonetheless, neither of us seem to want to talk about our feelings. At this point i’ve definitely fallen for him and I need to know where we stand but for some reason, as cheesy as it may sound I am having problems initiating the talk.

any advice would be very much appreciated, i am really confused.. thank you all

[Ask April Masini]

The reason that “structured dating” where the man asks the woman out; she accepts or says no; they date and eventually start introducing each other to their respective friends and family as they become more serious about each other, is what I advocate, is that it’s a lot easier to know where you stand. If the guy wants you, he’ll ask you out. If he wants monogamy with you, he’ll start showing you this by acting like a guy who wants monogamy by buying you jewelry, making commitments to you, and discussing a future together.

When you “back into” a relationship by being friends who cuddle, sleep in the same bed, don’t date, begin to sleep together and don’t know where the relationship stands, you get confused and unsettled more often than not. The reason for this confusion is that you take away every opportunity for the guy to step up to the plate and be the man who claims you.

Now, the reason you want to know where you stand with him is that you want to be claimed and to claim him — only there’s no structure within your relationship for this need to be met.

That said, since you are where you are, and you did what you did, my advice now is that if you continue this amorphous relationship you have with Chris, you’re going to continue to feel muddled. Your “need to know” where you stand in the relationship is going to be met by a resounding, “I don’t know,” by Chris if you initiate “the talk” you want to have where you think you’ll get some definition of the relationship.

If he wants to have some kind of talk to define the relationship, then he will. But there’s really no reason for him to because he probably likes where things are enough to continue this way. Since you’re the one who’s needs are currently not being met, you’re the one who’s going to have to change your behavior.

What I suggest is that you break the pattern you’ve started that’s gotten you to this point where you’re troubled. This is going to require that you don’t call him, but instead let him do the calling. When he does call, start acting like a girlfriend in a way you haven’t up to now. Don’t invite him over or ask him out on a date. Instead, wait for him to initiate plans with you, at which point you can accept or reject his invitations.

What this will do is to redefine the relationship from one that is casual to one that is more formal. You may not like waiting to be asked out, but at least you’ll know where you stand with him, and he’ll know that he’s the boyfriend in the relationship and not just some guy you’re casually sleeping with for four months now.

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