[piglet369]

Okay, first off I’m 18. so I’ve been dating this guy Patrick for almost 2 years, and I love him more than anything. He was my oldest brothers best friend, and I fell in love with him. For the first year of our relationship it was perfect. I know theres that honeymoon stage or whatever but this was more than that. Everything was in place and we were both ourselves, it was a healthy relationship.

Last Febuary my brother died young and unexpectedly. We were all devastated, and Patrick was there every day for me, which i was so thankful of. He realized this thing i do with my eyes and looked it up and we discovered i have epilepsy and those eye movements were seizures. I got on medicine for it, and it made me angrier and more emotional. I am definitely not the same person i used to be, and who i really am. Ever since then our relationship has gone downhill. We had sex in March, and it was the first time for both of us. I love him more than anything, despite my age, but he is flirty and talks to other girls. When i confront him about it i know i do it the wrong way, and i get very angry, and i think its due to the medicine i take, and the grieving process.

We got in an argument and then a few days later he told me that he was having doubts about us, and that we had problems and it needed to change. The next day he went back to visit family for Christmas and ended up holding hands with this girl who he barely knew. Right after it happened he told me about it and how he was so sorry and how he knew I was going to be mad but he really loved me and it really opened his eyes on how important I was to him. Of course I was mad but I didnt have much room to talk, because a few months after my brother died i was talking to this guy and we ended up hanging out at a friends unexpectedly and he tried holding my hand and rubbing my leg. i let it happen and then i started to think about patrick and how messed up this situation was and i told him to leave. What bothers me the most about him holding hands with that girl is that he didnt stop it, even though it was like for 30 minutes roughly. When he was gone I started trying to improve myself and trust him more, and i was doing a good job until i found out about that girl. since he came home it wasnt as fun as when we hungout before, and it has started getting better. Last night he hung out with a bunch of friends that were in this “group” who involved his ex, who i dont like due to the fact she used to date him, she was physically abusive to him, and shes not nice to me. They all went to dinner and i didnt have a problem with it, but then his ex, and her friend who patrick has known since 1st grade who is also my brother who had passed away’s girlfriend, and one of their other guy friends. i know he doesnt like the stuff she does but has decided to put it aside and be neutral. I dont know, i just bothers me. And last night was the first time we have had an argument since he addressed somthing needed to change. I think its good considering we used to argue almost 3 times a week, and it shows we are making progress. Since he came back from virginia we decided no more sex, and to work on the best friend aspect of our relationship. We were doing good until last night and my attitude got the best of me. He ended up saying I dont care anymore, do what you want. This isnt going anywhere (obviously talking about our relationship). I told him no and stuff and we kinda worked things out, and he ended up saying he thinks im too serious about him. That hit me and put a bunch of questions in my head like if he still loves me and wants a future for us. but still i know i have things i need to work on. but it doesnt help when hes talking to these girls that he used to like, and is getting kinda flirty with them.

i know if i work on things everything could turn around and it could be like how we used to be. I need help on dealing with this, and i think the medicine i take plays into my anger, and im not the same as i used to be. the thing about my medicine is that it works great for me, but it makes my emotions crazy. So i dont know if i want to mess around with other medicines when this one is working good. I need some help on learning how to trust him and how to fix our relationship. weve gone through alot and we both know we would rather be with eachother than without, but if we are going to be with eachother things have to change. thats where i need some advice on things to do. ive tried talking about it to him like not talking to girls but he things im being controlling, when thats not my intentions.

anyways. help please? any advice on how to make this better and control my anger?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First and foremost, go see your physician and talk to him or her about the rage you’re feeling and how you think it may be a side effect of the medication you’re taking. You’re smart to pinpoint your feelings to a biological source — the medication. It’s entirely possible your doctor can switch your medication to make you more comfortable — and to help with any behavior that is a side effect of the pills.

Make the appointment today, because that’s what you need first and foremost whether you’re in a relationship with this guy or not.

Second, my advice is to get out of your head and get out of your house. Expand your life — do volunteer work; try a new sport or hobby; invite new friends out for coffee or a walk. Your world is too small and you keep running into the same people and they keep bringing up the same feelings. If you have more outlets for your social life and your emotional life, you may not feel so angry and trapped.

Third, recognize that your anger is actually fear based. Your brother died unexpectedly and suddenly and you received a life changing medical diagnosis. Now, you’re afraid of losing your boyfriend. You have a lot of changes in your life and it’s understandable that you’re afraid of losing more, being alone, being sick, etc. That fear is coming out as anger, though. If you recognize the basis for the anger as fear, you may be able to explain this to your boyfriend and stop being so angry at him.

Fourth, please let go of your jealousy. You’re both young and it’s unrealistic for you to expect him at 18 to be your last and only boyfriend. I know that’s scary, but you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and him. If you can lighten up and enjoy each other as friends, but look at the rest of the world as a place you can live in, too (and happily, I might add), you won’t feel that he has to behave a certain way in order for things to be all right.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — and see the doctor!!

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[piglet369]

okay well, I have been seeing this new guy (lets call him John) and he is best friends with my ex…. (lets call him Mike)… hah kind of bad. I know. and we were together for almost four years. We all are from the same town, but John goes to the same college as me. We have been together for almost five months and it has gotten pretty serious. Now that we are home for the summer he won’t hang out with me in public or have me over at his place, but will only come over to my house past 8pm (rarely before). It has been about 5 months and my ex doesn’t know, and he has JUST told someone about us (one person). So up until this point, he did not said anything to anyone about us, not even his family. I am the only one who is not keeping out relationship in the dark. He says he will not go to town with me because he is more of a homebody. He has also said it was because of my ex, and he doesn’t want him to see us together, and hes just not ready to tell him. Its annoying because he keeps saying thats why but they dont even talk anymore, and if we argue its always “well why would i want to say something if we arent in a stable relationship” and I know thats really shady. It bothers me we cant be normal after all this time and we cant really do anything fun, its the same thing pretty much every time he sees me. i dont know if its just me being impatient but I’m getting annoyed and I feel like if he really cared like I did he would say something, especially this long into it if hes saying he loves me.

I really care about John, but this really bothers me. Its at the point I’m not sure I want him to tell anyone anymore since I’m unsure about us now. He says he will, he has been saying things will change for the past two-three months but nothing has happened.

ALSO. His ex of two years is still in the picture. In the beginning they constantly texted and i knew he hid it from me, and tried to downplay it. But he was honest about it. A month or two into us being together i asked him if he still loved her and he said yes, i love her like a sister….. weird. I told him it bothered me they talked as much as they did so he stopped talking to her (i think) and about two months ago i found out he texted her, and he lied to my face about it. <<he was acting weird that morning wanting to look at my phone and as soon as i said well you dont let me look at your phone, (or something like that) so theres no reason i should let you. and he was acting weird about it and I could tell something was up. when we got into the car he was saying how im probably texting my ex or these guys and i was like no, if you show me your phone ill show you mine. and he was like well i havent done anything. and im like okay well lets see haha and he pulled out his phone and scrolled down his messages to the bottom (he has an iphone) and when i was like wait, why arent you going to the top and he said i did i show you it all, and i was like no wait, and i tried to move it up and he kept moving it down. but i saw his ex’s name haha. and when he dropped me off i didnt say a word and he texted me like right after saying yeah i texted her last night when i was drunk i didnt remember and i forgot to tell you lala (he expects me to tell him when my ex texts/calls me and i dont do double standards so i expect the same) and i was with him that night, so i guess he texted her before i came over or something so i think he had plenty of time to tell me about it. ANYWAY. He says he hasnt talked to her but he just went to new york around fathers day with his family (without his dad though) and i found out she hung out with his dad on fathers day.. and she still talks to his sister… I am not comfortable with this but i mean there isnt much I can do. What do you think?

also, hes very insecure and doesnt trust me. there isnt a credible reason why he shouldnt. i mean.. hes a really nice guy and is sweet besides accusing me of things lol i just think hes super insecure. and ive had a thing for him for like the past year and a half (bad too, i know) but its just like now that we are together like that, things are a little off. im not sure if its me or something i can change idk. he just seems like a girl inside a guys body haha honestly.

ugh i need all kinds of advice. help

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s seeing his ex girlfriend at the same time he’s seeing you and he doesn’t want you to know. 😳 If you weren’t sure about this before, I can assure you that that’s what’s going on. 😕

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[Ethan Morales]

Look, you’re carrying a lot: grief, a new medical diagnosis that messes with your emotions, and a relationship that used to be safe and now feels unstable. All of those things will amplify normal relationship friction into full-on panic. That doesn’t excuse everything either way, but it does explain why small things feel huge right now.

Practical thing: talk to your doctor now about the medication and the anger. If the pills are helping your seizures but wrecking your mood, there’s almost always a different regimen or an adjustment that keeps the medicine’s benefit while reducing the emotional side effects. This is not optional you need stable chemistry before you can fix trust and communication reliably.

Both of you made mistakes. Him holding hands with another girl for thirty minutes is not “harmless”; it’s a boundary breach that he needs to own. You letting another guy touch you was also a mistake it doesn’t cancel his betrayal, but it does complicate the moral scoreboard. Stop replaying who’s worse and focus on repair or exit. Blame doesn’t heal.

Here’s a repair plan you can start today: 1) No sex until trust is being actively rebuilt. 2) He needs to be transparent about contact with other women (no secret messages, no midnight meetups). 3) Agree on respectful public behavior no lingering handholding, no hidden flirting. 4) Go to couples therapy together and individual therapy for you (and medication review). Those are practical steps that show intent instead of drama.

How to say it without exploding: keep it calm, specific, non-accusatory. Try something like: “I love you. What happened when you held hands with her hurt me a lot. I’m willing to work on this but I need honesty, consistency, and a change in how you behave around other girls. Can you do that?” If he answers with “I don’t care” or dodges, that’s not a negotiation that’s data.

You deserve someone who chooses you when it’s not easy. If he won’t commit to the basic honesty and boundaries you need while you both sort out the meds and grief, walking away is a painful but legitimate option. Get your medical and emotional baseline stable first, then decide if this relationship is worth fighting for. If you want, I’ll help you draft that exact convo or a text to start it.

[Tara]

You’re 18, grieving, dealing with real medical and emotional upheaval, and instead of stabilising yourself, you’re clinging to a boy who is already halfway out the door. Patrick isn’t a villain; he’s just young, confused, and nowhere near equipped to carry your grief, your anger, and your constant insecurity. And you’re not equipped to carry his flirting, his boundary-less behaviour, or his “I don’t care anymore” outbursts. This isn’t love, it’s two overwhelmed kids drowning and holding onto each other because it feels safer than being alone.

You keep romanticising the first year like it’s proof that everything can go back to “how it used to be.” It won’t. Life hit you hard. You changed. He changed. The dynamic changed. And instead of accepting that, you’re both trying to force an old version of yourselves to keep a relationship alive that clearly can’t survive the current reality. He flirts because he wants attention and freedom. You explode because you’re hurt and scared. He pulls away, and you cling harder. That’s not a partnership, that’s a slow-motion collapse.

Stop telling yourself you can “fix this” if you just calm down, trust more, or watch him more closely. You can’t control him into loyalty, and you can’t guilt yourself into emotional stability. Your anger, your grief, your reactions, those are yours to address with actual support, not a teenage boyfriend who’s already buckling under the weight of all of it. And his flirty, boundary-crossing behaviour isn’t something you can “work on together.” He does it because he wants to. You tolerate it because you’re terrified of losing him.

Here’s the blunt verdict: you both need space, not another attempt at patching a sinking ship. Not a breakup “to scare him.” A real step back so you can rebuild yourself without chasing someone who’s sending you mixed signals because he doesn’t know how to tell you he’s overwhelmed. You won’t become the old you again; stop fantasising about that. You need to become a stable version of the current you, and you can’t do that while babysitting a relationship that’s draining you.

[Sally]

You’ve been carrying grief, stress, love, anger, fear all at the same time and you’re barely eighteen trying to hold a relationship together while your whole life is shifting under your feet.

Here’s the thing nobody’s said to you yet: you’re not “broken.” You’re hurting. Losing your brother, finding out about your epilepsy, dealing with meds that shake up your emotions… that’s a lot for anyone, let alone someone so young.

And Patrick wasn’t perfect in all this either. Holding hands with another girl for thirty minutes isn’t a slip it’s a choice. Same with talking to girls he used to like. He’s not a villain, but he’s not steady either.

You can’t fix this by trying harder or shrinking yourself. You can only be honest about what you can handle right now. Tell him how you feel without yelling, and see what he does with that. The rest will tell you where this relationship really stands.

[Natalie Noah]

You fell for someone who’s kept parts of his life secret, and that murkiness eats away at trust. From what you wrote I hear honest, steady affection on your side and a lot of confusing, hurtful behavior from him: hiding the relationship, texting his ex and lying about it, and giving you excuses instead of clarity. All of that is legitimately upsetting, and you don’t have to pretend you’re okay with it.

Those things are big red flags. Hiding a relationship (not telling family/friends), secret late-night visits or private texting with an ex, and being dishonest when caught are patterns, not one-off mistakes. Pair that with his “I’ll do it later” promises and you’ve got a pattern of avoidance. he’s avoiding being seen as yours and avoiding the consequences of choosing you. That creates instability, and over time it will erode what you both care about unless it changes.

What you need and deserve is a calm, direct conversation where you ask for two concrete things: honesty about his contact with his ex, and a clear plan/timeline for being public with you (or an honest statement that he doesn’t want that). Say how the secrecy and the lying make you feel without attacking (“When you hide our relationship and lie about texting her, I feel disrespected and unsafe”), then ask him to explain his behavior and whether he intends to commit fully. Tell him a boundary and consequence: e.g., “If you can’t be transparent or won’t cut off secret contact with your ex, I can’t keep investing in this. I need a partner who chooses me.”

If he resists, minimizes, or keeps promising without action, protect yourself by stepping back. You can give him a short timeframe (a week or two) to prove honesty and change not as a manipulation but as a self-respect move. Use that time to live your life: see friends, keep busy, and don’t be available on demand. People change when they feel the loss of what they risk losing; if he truly loves you, the wake-up will come. If he doesn’t, you’ll have preserved your dignity and made room for someone who will.

One last practical thing: a short script you can use when you’re ready “I love you and I want this to work, but I can’t be in a relationship that’s hidden or dishonest. If you’re dating me, I need honesty about your contact with your ex and for us to be out as a couple. Can you do that? If not, I need to take a step back to protect my heart.” Then watch actions, not words. I’m proud of you for thinking clearly about this, you deserve somebody who makes you safe, seen, and proud to be with.

[Member]

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