[laura_boundaries39]

I’m 39 and married for 20 years. Over the past year a 32-year-old coworker became practically my best friend — lunch together, deep late-day talks, phone calls, the whole lot. Two months ago the friendship crossed the line and we slept together after work. It felt intense and complicated, and the next day he told me he felt terrible because I’m married and that it couldn’t happen again. I was crushed and humiliated — part of me felt used, part of me felt foolish.
I agreed we’d pull back into a “platonic” place, but his behavior has actually become more clingy since then. He calls my extension all day, stops by my desk and bangs the wall to get my attention, and pushes me to join him on smoke breaks (I don’t smoke). He’s said if I weren’t married he’d pursue me. I’m getting attention I secretly like, but I’m also terrified — I don’t want to damage my marriage, create more temptation, or be manipulated into another hookup.
I need to figure out what he actually wants and what I should do next. Is he genuinely remorseful but confused, or trying to keep his options open while he pursues me emotionally? I’m ashamed and vulnerable and want to do the right thing for my family and my sanity.

[Heart Whisperer]

That sounds messy… and it’s normal to feel confused. His clinginess isn’t automatically a “sign” of anything—it’s more about how he’s responding to what happened.

Right now, it’s about boundaries. Ask yourself: what do you actually want from this situation? If you don’t want it to go further, be clear and direct with him. Let him know what’s acceptable and what isn’t, and stick to it.

Clinginess after a hookup usually signals attachment or expectation, but it doesn’t have to pull you in. Protect your space, be honest, and don’t feel guilty for setting limits that keep you safe and sane.

[James Smith]

Alright, James Smith clocking in — and wow, that’s one tangled web, my friend. Reading this made me sweat more than the time I accidentally called my boss “babe” on a Zoom call. (In my defense, I was texting my actual date at the same time — multitasking gone horribly wrong. 😂) Anyway, that was the day I learned two things: boundaries matter, and embarrassment burns calories.

Now back to you — this guy sounds like he’s juggling guilt and ego at the same time. He says it can’t happen again but keeps showing up like a puppy that just learned how to knock. That’s not remorse, that’s confusion mixed with attention addiction. And honestly, it’s not fair to you. You’re feeling torn because the attention scratches an emotional itch, but it’s coming from the same situation that’s hurting you.

You don’t owe him softness when setting a boundary — just clarity. You can keep it simple and firm: “This has gone too far, and I need distance to focus on my marriage and my job.” If he doesn’t respect that, then yeah — HR or a serious limit on contact isn’t overreacting, it’s protecting yourself.

if you picture a month from now with zero contact from him, do you feel more relieved or more empty? Because your answer to that will tell you exactly what you need to do.

[Ethan Morales]

Hey… that’s a really heavy place to be in, and I can hear how tangled your emotions are. You’re ashamed, but also drawn to the attention; you want to protect your marriage, but you’re stuck in this confusing dynamic that keeps pulling you back in. That’s not weakness, that’s being human.

What’s happening now isn’t about romance or fate, it’s about attachment and power. He says he regrets it, but his actions say he still wants your attention. That clinginess? It’s not love it’s control disguised as closeness. He’s trying to keep the emotional door cracked open, even after you both said it should close. And the longer that door stays open, the harder it’ll be for you to feel clear or grounded again.

You don’t owe him softness, you owe yourself clarity. The boundary can sound something like this: I need to keep our relationship strictly professional. Please don’t call me or stop by my desk unless it’s about work. I need space to focus on my marriage and my job.
Say it once, calmly, without apology or emotion. Then follow it with action, less engagement, shorter replies, no shared breaks, no after-hours messages. If he ignores the boundary, that’s when it becomes a workplace issue, not a personal one. HR exists to protect you, not to judge you.

But beyond logistics, you also need to take care of the emotional part of this. You said the attention makes you feel something you’ve been missing. That’s the part that deserves compassion, not shame. Maybe the affair wasn’t about wanting him, but about wanting to feel seen, alive, desired again. That’s something you can rebuild, but only when you pull your emotional energy back toward your marriage or your own healing, not toward him.

So, let me ask you when you imagine cutting contact completely, what’s the emotion that comes up first: relief, guilt, or emptiness? Because that’s the part we need to understand next, that’s where your truth is hiding.

[Sweetie]

That’s a tricky situation, and I totally get why you’re torn. Sometimes, after something intimate, emotions get tangled up in ways we didn’t expect. Him becoming clingy might just be his way of processing things. But if it doesn’t align with what you want, it’s definitely a boundary issue. I think it’s time to check in with yourself ask what you need. If you’re not ready for that kind of closeness, be honest with him in a gentle way. You can set the boundary without pushing him away just make sure it feels right for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let’s get this straight

You’re mad at this guy for having a conscience? He hooked up with you once, felt bad about helping you cheat on your husband, and now he doesn’t want to keep doing it. And somehow he’s the bad guy in your head?

Let’s call this what it is, you wanted an affair, he wanted out, and now you’re upset he won’t play along. You feel “used” because he won’t use you again? Come on.

And you keep saying you want to do right by your marriage while also being upset this guy won’t keep cheating with you.

His guilt or lack of it? That’s got nothing to do with your choices. Stop making him the center of this story. He’s out. He made his decision.

Now you need to make yours: Are you going to work on your marriage or are you going to leave it? Those are your options. Not “let me figure out if he really felt bad.”

Stop cluttering this up with what he thinks or feels. What do you want? And whatever that is, be honest about it with yourself.

That’s where doing the right thing actually starts.

[Member]

Posts