[carrie416]

Help.

Basically, it has been over a year and I have been stuck on the same guy. I cannot go to my friends about this guy because, he is my best friend. He has been a great friend to me because he helped me out of the closet and was a great shoulder to lean upon. However, we drifted into a situation where I ended up losing my virginity to him. He doesn’t know about my feelings and quite frankly I do not think he can. Since we are both in college, I have tried to find other men to take my mind off of him, but nothing has worked out. He is pursuing men at school. Even though we have been intimate whenever I have seen him over breaks, he is thinking about going back to a previous flame of his. I cannot allow myself to get hurt by him again but I am in way too deep. I know he truly cares about me but it is not the type of care I am looking for and it would be way too difficult to watch him be happy with someone else, espicially when I am in a close knit group and he and I are good friends. How can I cut the emotional strings? People I seek advice from have told me to just stop being interested and get over him but there is no how to manual about how to do so. How can I keep our friendship but lose my attachment to him?

[TheArtistsTechnique]

I’ve had a guy that was my friend for a couple of years and we hooked up. I told him I liked him and wanted to be with him and he just brushed it off. We had a weird relationship because he would hook up with me yet not want to be with me. I felt so used and rejected!

Stop being intimate with him. If he really wanted to be with you, he would. It’s harsh but true. This is why you don’t have relations with friends because you either could have an amazing relationship or you have nothing, not even the friendship, because the friendship will never be the same.

I’ve lost two male friends this way, we stopped talking and hanging out because once we started dating other people, our others didn’t like us being friends since we had been together sexually.

I suggest if you want to cut the emotional strings, don’t ever do anything intimate with him again, keep it strictly friends and start dating. Get someone else to occupy your mind.

Be friends with him but don’t be as close to him right now until your feelings fade. Don’t keep hanging out with him if it hurts you, you have other friends, hang out with them.

[AskApril Masini]

It’s very hard to be “just friends” with someone you have a crush on and with whom you’ve lost your virginity. This guy also helped you come out of the closet, and therefore you have deep emotional feelings for him because that all required intimacy. It’s understandable that you’re having a hard time.

The things you can do to help yourself get over him are:

1. Understand that although you have these deep feelings for him, he doesn’t have them for you. There is no right and wrong here — he’s just not interested in you in that way. If you can accept that he’s not interested, you can allow yourself, with time, to find a man who IS interested in you to invest in emotionally.

2. It’s time to cut back on your contact with him because it’s too painful for you to be around him given the discrepancy between your feelings and his. If you start spending time with other people instead of him, you’ll give yourself more fertile ground to develop other relationships on every level with other people. You won’t feel as attached to him because you’ll have other friends to rely on and share with.

3. Boundaries are healthy and you may have to realize that your friendship with this guy has run it’s course because the friendship upsets you since you like him as more than a friend and he doesn’t return those feelings. Most people look for drama to end relationships — fights are always easy ways out. What’s harder is to realize that a person who has wonderful qualities is not a good person for you to be around any more and to have a benign disconnection.

If you start focusing on your life without this guy and nurture other aspects of your life and other friendships and relationships, you’ll become more independent and with time, you may be able to be his friend again. But right now, the friendship stirs up too many feelings for you that are in conflict with a good friendship. Give the relationship a break. Do “you”. And see what the future brings in terms of friendship.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Are you all gay?

[AskApril Masini]

I believe that the people in [b]carrie’s[/b] post are all gay.

[Member]

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