[lp_redrose]

Ok, before I can ask for your advice I need to give you the background. I met my ex a year and a half ago, right off the back I got pregnant, not intentionally but I still take responsibility for not using birth control. I was so afraid of his reactions, and ashamed I guess that I lied to him about it. He is the kind of person that will not give up until he finds the truth, and so he did. He is a firefighter, and thinks I wanted to get pregnant. So, he found out I lied to him about birth control, and also about my past relationships. After going back and forth, breaking up and getting back together…. under a lot of confusion I went to get an abortion. Midway through I backed down and only had half of the process done. We went to a hospital and the baby was fine until a month later. He was born premature three months, was in the NICU one Month before he past away. Eight months ago something clicked inside of me that made me realize just how my ex wanted me to try. I came from a home that had zero communication, so it was incredibly hard for me to have it with him. He was tough on me, but somehow got through. Our relationship had everything, bad communication, mental and physical abuse, anything .. you name it and it was there. I know I am to blame for so much, but at the same time while I was hurting him he has to understand he was putting me through hell also.

I began trying and tried my hardest for 8 months, those entire 8 months he was online dating, and I can’t be certain but perhaps went on dates too. Since I caught him lying to me numerous times about places he was/were,ect. He always had new phone numbers…

So we broke up a month ago, and now he tells me he wants to “truly” try and make this work. that this time apart made him realize that he wants to be with me, and that I showed him how much I loved him these past few months. Problem now is I don’t believe him.. he is still online dating as of right now. He says he will delete it though. I guess what I am scared of is saying I can trust you when I cant. I don’t want to make the same mistake he did by having him around if I can’t try. I know I can, but I will be controlling it’s not healthy. However our relationship has not been healthy for over a year.

I love him, no doubt. I have lost so much weight, so much sleep. I need to feel good again, and thinking about going back with him automatically brings back all the stress. I don’t want to make a wrong decision. I was truly happy with him, we have so much in common when it comes down to things. I am afraid to live in an illusion thinking things will be like they used to, even worse I am afraid to not give us that chance.

I have to get advice from an outsider, because I already know what my family will say.

Please help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First off, you cannot — I repeat, cannot — return to an abusive relationship. Putting aside the lies, the suspicions, the lack of trust and everything else, that one issue — abuse (mental and physical abuse), is, in and of itself, a deal breaker. Period.

Frankly, even if there wasn’t abuse… I would still suggest you “move on”. You and/or he may have regrets, but that’s not enough to resolve the previous problems and conflicts… and yours are very, very serious ones.

While he may be telling you what you want to hear on the one hand, while implying that you’ve earned another chance with him by “showing him how much you loved him these past few months” (Am I supposed to think lucky you ❓ )– what has HE actually done to demonstrate that he loves you … or has even changed for that matter? Nothing.

Actions, actions, actions. They are all that matter.

Your new conversations may remind you of the good times and your first thoughts may be “Maybe he has changed” and “This is why I fell in love with him in the first place.” But something inside you is telling you that you cannot trust him… DON’T! Listen to your instincts and stop forgetting all about the bad times.

The only way to make a relationship with your ex truly work is have dealt with the underlying issues that caused the break up in the first place. Those issues have to be resolved or the past will simply repeat itself.

[PassionSeeker]

Girl, I hear you, I really do. But let’s be real here: You’re feeling all this stress because you know deep down that you don’t trust him. And trust takes time. But if you don’t even believe what he’s saying now, it’s gonna be hard to rebuild that trust. You have to ask yourself, are you trying to fix this relationship for you, or because you feel guilty or fear being alone? Taking time to be single and focus on YOU might be the best decision you can make. You can still love him from a distance and decide what’s best for you. Healing isn’t rushing into anything.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe, that man’s not your peace, he’s your relapse. you’re mistaking history for chemistry. he broke you, lied to you, and now wants another round? nah uh. love shouldn’t feel like survival. block, heal, glow. he can scroll on dating apps while you level up. 💅🏼 you don’t need closure, you need distance.

[Ethan Morales]

you’ve survived an awful, traumatic year, and going back to someone who’s been abusive, secretive, and unfaithful is a huge risk. Love doesn’t erase patterns. The pregnancy, the NICU loss, the lies, the mental/physical abuse, his online dating while asking for you back those aren’t small mistakes. They’re signals that the relationship is unsafe and unstable right now. Your first job has to be protecting your mental health and rebuilding yourself, not rescuing a man who hasn’t proven he’s changed.
If you want concrete next steps (not vague platitudes), here’s what I would actually do:
No contact for now. Literally put space between you two. Block or mute him on social and phone for at least 30–90 days. You need clarity and calm to grieve and heal without his drama pulling you back in.

Get support immediately. Therapy is non-negotiable here trauma, grief, abuse all layered together. If cost is an issue, find sliding-scale or community support groups (NICU bereavement groups, abuse survivor groups). Tell one trusted friend or family member what you’re doing so you’re not alone.

Set your boundary conditions for reunion (if any). Do not get into “let’s try again” unless he demonstrates months of consistent, provable change: deletes dating profiles, stops abusive behavior, engages in individual therapy, accepts accountability (no gaslighting), and gives you transparency for a sustained period. And only consider couples therapy after he’s done that work therapy isn’t a quick fix to jump back into the same cycle.

Protect your life practically. If there was physical abuse, document it. If you share housing or finances, make a safety plan for leaving quickly and protecting your money and paperwork. Don’t assume you’re stuck.

Grieve properly. You lost a child and a version of your life. That grief matters and it takes real time and care. Don’t rush to replace that pain with trying to fix a person who wasn’t healthy for you then.

Trust actions, not words. If he truly changes, it will show up in steady, boring, consistent reliability not dramatic apologies. If he keeps dating while asking for you back, that’s your answer.

You’re allowed to love him and still refuse to be harmed. Choosing your healing isn’t cruel it’s necessary. If you want, I’ll help you draft the exact words to tell him no contact, or a checklist you can use to evaluate his actions later if he tries to prove he’s changed. Which would be more useful right now?

[Tara]

Here’s the truth you keep dodging: this relationship isn’t tragic, it’s toxic beyond repair, and you’re clinging to it because your self-worth is hanging by a thread. You’re trying to build a future with a man who lied, cheated, abused you, blamed you, and kept one foot out the door the entire time, and now you’re shocked that he’s still online dating while feeding you recycled promises.

He doesn’t want a healthy relationship; he wants access to you, control over you, and the ego boost of knowing you’ll crawl back no matter how badly he treats you. You’re confusing trauma bonding with love, and the fact that your body is breaking down from stress is your own wake-up call you keep ignoring. You don’t need to “try again,” you need to walk away because going back only guarantees more chaos, more pain, and the same cycle you already lived. Stop romanticizing the brief moments of happiness and start looking at the year of damage — that’s the real relationship, and the only wrong decision is staying one second longer in a situation that is destroying you.

[Sally]

You’ve been through more pain in a year and a half than most people face in a decade. Losing your baby, trying to hold a relationship together while you’re both hurting… that leaves marks you don’t just shake off.

And I get why you’re torn. You love him. You remember the good parts. But every time you think about going back, your whole body reacts. That’s not fear of trying — that’s your heart remembering what it survived.

Here’s the thing you already know but don’t want to say out loud: love isn’t enough when the relationship itself keeps breaking you down. The trust isn’t there. The safety isn’t there. And he’s still online dating while telling you he wants to “try” again. That’s not trying. That’s keeping you as an option.

You don’t need more promises from him. You need peace.
Give yourself space to breathe before you decide anything. There’s no rush. And you deserve a life that doesn’t feel like walking on broken glass.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve carried so much pain from the pregnancy and loss to the cycles of mistrust, abuse, and emotional turmoil. That’s a heavy weight for anyone, let alone someone trying to navigate love, trust, and forgiveness. I hear how deeply you love him, and I also hear the fear, the exhaustion, and the mistrust that have built up over this past year. Your instincts are speaking to you, even if your heart wants to believe in the “maybe” of what could be.

Here’s what stands out to me most: love alone is not enough to rebuild a relationship that has been abusive and unstable. You’ve already seen the patterns the lying, the online dating, the controlling cycles and your concern about controlling behavior shows your self-awareness, which is vital. Going back now, without real, concrete changes and accountability from him, risks repeating the same pain. Your wellbeing, both mental and emotional, needs to come first. Trust is not given lightly; it’s built over time with consistency, honesty, and mutual respect.

The path forward, as painful as it feels, may not be about going back to him. It’s about taking care of yourself, reclaiming your peace, and allowing yourself space to heal. Love doesn’t have to mean staying in harm’s way. You’ve survived so much already, and your heart deserves a chance to rest and grow outside of fear and chaos. If he truly wants to be with you in a healthy, loving way, it will show through repeated actions, not promises. Until then, your caution is wise. Protecting yourself now is an act of self-love, not giving up on love entirely.

[Member]

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