[jay.rosenthal]

Hi April,
I’m a 21 year old college junior at Adelphi University’s Derner Institute of Advanced Psychological Studies and I’m currently in an interracial relationship. I’m white and she’s black. We have a lot in common, including ethics/values, interests, etc., as well as a very communicative and understanding relationship. Her parents fully approve of our relationship and so does my father. However, my mother is a different story.

Let me start by saying that my mom is not racist and after talking to my grandparents, I confirmed she was not raised in that mindset. When she first found out my girlfriend (Audriana) was black, she freaked out without even knowing her. According to her, it was related to the black culture in the United States, the hardships in an interracial relationship and the possible inability to get along with her parents. None of this appears rational without even meeting her.

Eventually, she said it was okay to date her, but never to marry her. I don’t know where this relationship will take me- last time I checked, I wasn’t clairvoyant. My mom keeps bringing the relationship up In a negative way on her own accord, so it would appear her unconscious mind is in complete, adamant disagreement with my decision and is trying everything to get me to change he mind. Plus, she is trying to come up with every excuse for me not to bring her over to the house. I’m honestly not sure what to do, so I’m turning to you for advice.

In Solidarity,
Jay M. Rosenthal

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your mother IS a racist. 😳 She’s never even met your girlfriend and she’s jumping to conclusions about this woman based on her skin color. She’s stereotyping and behaving badly, and it’s time for you to cut the cord and separate from your mom because of this. You’re old enough at 21 to decide who to date and who to marry. Live your life, and if your mom is smart, she’ll realize you’re not only capable of making your own choices in life, but you’ll make some mistakes and you’ll make some excellent decisions.

Hopefully, she’ll get over whatever is driving her racism enough to actually meet your girlfriend and form an opinion based on who she really is — not who your mother thinks she might be.

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[jay.rosenthal]

Thanks April. At first, I had the same exact thought. The one thing that had kept me puzzled was that she has friends of different races. She also stated she had no problem with this happening in another family, but not hers. In addition, she had shown no racial pretenses until I got into a relationship with Audriana 4 months ago. This is what had me on the fence with that theory. However, I do know that people can change, so it’s highly possible I over analyzed the situation. Again, April, thanks again. If you have any further thoughts on the info in this post, please don’t hesitate to comment.

In Solidarity,
Jay M. Rosenthal

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi again Jay.

Here are two Q & A columns I wrote in response to questions not dissimilar to yours. I think they may give you some ideas and tips as well as some things to think about.

Seeing Beyond Color
Tips for Interracial Dating — When Your Friends and Family are Prejudiced Toward Your Date
https://www.askapril.com/dating-tips-dating-tips-seeing-beyond-color-455.html

Interracial Couples
Advice and Tips for Recognizing (and Coping) With the Challenges That Interracial Couples Face
https://www.askapril.com/dating-tips-relationship-advice-interracial-couples-151.html

[jay.rosenthal]

Much appreciated!

In Solidarity,
Jay M. Rosenthal

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome! 😀

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