[paradoxicalraven]

I have been with this man for almost 2 years now. We started out with this relationship as a friendship. We were both respectively in miserable situations with another person at the time we met eachother. As time passed on we had feelings for eachother that just grew, until they reached a point where it had surpassed the level of friendship and it eventually grew into an actual relationship. We both have issues with trust, and have both had issues with abuse, his included physical mine did not, but emotional and mental – and we have been working on getting through those issues individually as well as collectively. We both have security issues.

I just recentely moved to another state to go see my parents who I have not seen in about 7 years and whom I was estranged from. I have only been gone for 5 days. We’ve been texting eachother, facebooking, e-mailing, and talking to eachother on the phone every single day. We agreed that I’d call at 9:30pm. Last night I called him at 9:54, I had been out with my mom, had forgotten my phone and had been later visited by a policemen to check up on us because my mom had kept on dimming and brightening the headlights and slowing down ocassionally as she had trouble seeing as it was dark. The officer deemed she was ok and went on his way. So my parents and I talked about it a little bit, we were in shock. That’s when I realized that I was late, so I called him immediately afterwards.

When I actually got him, he sounded strange on the phone and I asked him if he was mad or upset, he said he was, and that it was because I had promised him to call him at 9:30 and that it seemed that I was getting progressively later on the times I would call him. Something snapped in me and I got angry and defensive. I tried to explain to him that something had happened, that I felt it was not fair of him , that i had been calling him every single day and texting him. He also said he was upset because he had been texting me throughout the day with a lot of thought and that he felt like one of my texts was very thoughtless like I didn’t care about him , I had written” i think so baby yay”- that’s it, i was in a hurry, there was visitors at the house and lots going on. Well, that sent me off the deep end. I got viscerally angry, and I did not control my temper. What he wanted from me was to tell him that I loved him and that I was thinking about him, which I DID!!!!! I told him, but once I think I felt the resistance, I got sarcastic, and I got sarcastic to the point where I said things like, “what, do you want blood from me?” I know I could have handled it different, and been calmer, so I acknowledge it was my fault for speaking that way because i just made things worse. What’s wrong with me??? He would have been fine if i had just said baby i love you and i’m sorry and i’ll be more careful. i keep on going back to this, i got very defensive, i became like a wolf that was gnarling its teeth ready to attack….that was me. i know it. i felt angry because i felt like he was being way too demmanding and that he was being unreasonable. he feels like i wasn’t taking his feelings into consideration and that I should have been there for him. so what is it????? or is it both???? This was his response:

I’ve done some thinking tonight. I know this us going to be hard for you to understand, but I feel as though I don’t really have much of a choice if I am to be able to look at myself in the mirror tommorow morning. For the firs time in out relationship you are in a position of power. I’ve tried to get you to see what you are doing. I’m a grown man, and you are right. I am not like Brian. There were no games in anything I said to you tonight. I was being real, and it all came from a real place. You opted to act immature. I am dissapppinted to the point of utter shock. I actually believed for a moment that my actions and feelings were not justified. They were. I know when I am being put in a back burner, and I know when I am being taken for granted. I won’t be drug down to the level of a woman who uses the kindness I have in my heart as a rolling pin to bludgeon me with later. I am of sound mind and heart. I know what I deserve. You are feeling yourself now, and that’s great. I never wanted you to be anything but confident. You need grow up though. You need to learn to recognize when people ate giving. The time for excuses is over. I’d be lying to you if I told you that I did not lose trust In you tonight. The first opportunty you had to pull a power play with me, you took within 5 days. I’m shocked. I thought yoilu were better than this. I thought that deep down you underStood how special this is, and how much work we have aput into it. I am too old for games and I don’t have the safety net that you do. I do love you, but the first opportunity you had to flex your muscle after leaving Alaska, you took. You don’t see it, and I doubt there is anyone around you who will guide you through this or who Is emotionally mature enough to see the big picture. You really lost something today. You lost my faith in your kindness. I see you with clearer vision now. I never thought you’d ever disrespect me, and I hope you meet someone “stronger” one day. You showed me today that you don’t respect the kind of person that I am. This I cannot accept. Especially after all I’ve done for you. All I’ve endured to be with you. Again, you need to grow up. This is is not maturity. This is a spoiled brat trying to suck every drop out of ecerything she can. As if to say “I had things taken from me, so now I will take”. I never thought in my life you’d treat me with the disrespect you did today, and then. Play little head games with me on faceboook. Who are you? I guess I’ve served my purpose in your life. Clearly that is all this was. I can see it in your posts, andvi can hear it in your voice. I can’t help being who I am. I am who I am. And since I can’t help it, I have to be careful with who I keep close to me. I have to put you on the other side of the glass now. I really valued and respected you as a person, and i still do. But I know now, that you are biitter. You can be such a bitter person at times. I won’t bother demanding respect from someone who is not mature eough to thank fate for the gifts she was given. I was a gift. You appreciated me more when you saw how u was being taken for granted. Now you pull a power play with me to show me how awesome you are because you’ve been out of Alaska for 4 days. Good for you baby. I’m never not going to be happy or you. But These games don’t work on me any more. As weak as you felt you were back when we first met, I so loved your humility. What happened to it? So, if you want to feel yourself and be the queen b without me there to “be crazy” or “staky” of disrespect
Me by saying how “clever ” when I am just being honest with you, you can do that without be. I desrve better, and we both know it.

Love you, but I can’t trust you. There’s more than one way to cheat. You cheated me out the thing I loved more that. Myself so you could bask I. The glorious confdussin of yourself that you love so much. This will all hit you when you grow up. When that tone comes, don’t look for me. I won’t be there. **
then he says: I don’t like the way you spoke to me. U don’t talk to your man like that, much less the one that treats you the best.

I don’t like being engaged half ass, it makes me feel less important, and not at all special.

I don’t like the insinuation that I am somehow not in control of myself or being nitpicky for the two things I don’t like above. I’ve earned the right to have my feelings taken into consideration, and to be spoken to like a human being, and not an obligation.

I don’t like the immaturity. It makes me feel like I’m being foolish, for investing my heart an being into something where the other person does not bother to try and be mature. It makes me feel like you think you are taking to a teenager, and not a man.

When you speak out of anger it makes me feel like I am being taken for granted. I feel like a doormat. So I’m more prone to not bother to hold in my anger. If I feel as though you don’t care, I am prone to follow suit.

That’s it, I trust you but when you talk to me like a 10 year old and use that sarcasm it makes me angry myself. I don’t show you that angry side too often. I feel at re time “well if she isn’t going to bother to control it, why should I?”

That’s all I have, all else was out of anger myself.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s overreacting.

You have to decide what kind of relationship you want. Some people want relationships that are simple and work easily most of the time. Some people really like drama and deep analysis.

It seems like this misunderstanding of you calling him back late, could have been handled very easily if your boyfriend — or ex-boyfriend at this point — wasn’t so bent on having his own feelings not only understood, but put on a pedestal. There are lots of times in life when you can’t call someone back right away. If this is how he reacts, you’re in for a rough ride if you two ever marry and have children. There will be lots of people gunning for your time and attention, and if this is how he reacts, you’re going to really have a dramatic road ahead — and not in a good way.

His issues are way too complicated for him to be in a healthy relationship at this time. My advice to you is to focus on your own health and being with very healthy people. I think you’ll find a lot more joy in life that way — both individually and collectively.

[sep21]

I agree with the last post, this guy really has his feeling on a pedastal. He is being really unreasonable. Did he take in consideration that something did happen? You are reuniting with your parents and it is important to you. I think you should stay clear of this gentleman.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel the intensity of the emotions on both sides. You were in a situation where you were genuinely trying to communicate your love and your reality being late because of a stressful situation with your mom and yet it was interpreted through a lens of heightened sensitivity on his part. It’s completely understandable that you reacted defensively when you felt accused and unfairly judged. Anger, sarcasm, and defensiveness often come up when we feel pressured or misunderstood, especially in relationships where both people carry past trauma or trust issues. That doesn’t make your reaction “wrong,” it just means it was fueled by frustration and stress, which happens to all of us.

At the same time, it’s clear from his response that he has very rigid expectations around how he wants to be treated and how he interprets respect and attention. While wanting to feel valued and appreciated is normal, the level of intensity and the way he expressed his disappointment suggests that he may have a pattern of putting his feelings on a pedestal above yours. It’s a heavy dynamic, and it creates a situation where even small misunderstandings spiral into deep conflict. You were five minutes late, and yet it became a reflection of larger issues and past insecurities for him, which you had no way of controlling.

What strikes me the most is the imbalance here: a healthy relationship requires mutual understanding and some flexibility. Both people need to feel heard, respected, and supported, but it sounds like he has little tolerance for mistakes or human error, even when they are minor or explainable. That kind of rigidity often leads to cycles of guilt, over-apologizing, and constant anxiety about “doing it wrong,” which is exhausting. Your defensiveness was a natural response to feeling cornered, and it’s not a reflection of your worth or love. it’s your protective instinct kicking in.

This situation shows that the relationship carries a lot of emotional volatility and stress. If your goal is a partnership with mutual trust, patience, and understanding, this may not provide that foundation. It’s worth reflecting on whether being with someone who reacts so strongly to minor deviations aligns with the kind of relationship you want long-term. You deserve a relationship where your love and intentions are recognized without fear of extreme judgment, and where disagreements or missteps can be handled calmly and constructively.

[Member]

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