[Ethan Morales]

The core issue isn’t sex, it’s effort imbalance. You’re not wrong for wanting excitement. After 10 years, many couples fall into autopilot mode. You took initiative, shared your fantasies, and she was open that’s huge. But what’s really bothering you isn’t that she refuses your fetishes, it’s that you have to initiate every time. It feels one-sided, like you’re dragging the energy instead of sharing it. That drains desire fast.

She’s being accommodating, not enthusiastic. When she indulges your fetishes but doesn’t bring her own ideas or show curiosity, it turns your shared experience into something that feels like a favor. That lack of reciprocation can make you feel unseen like she’s just going through the motions. You want passion, not permission.

Why she might be doing this: She probably doesn’t feel the same internal drive toward novelty. Many people genuinely don’t have strong fetish identities, and if she’s naturally content with vanilla sex, she won’t crave the same intensity. Also, she might be trying to keep things stable indulging sometimes, but wary of the idea that this new version of sex is now the “requirement.”

Here’s the emotional blind spot: When you say you have no interest in vanilla anymore, it can sound to her like rejection of her as if her natural expression of intimacy isn’t enough unless it includes your turn-ons. Even if that’s not what you mean, it can create quiet resentment or resistance. She might say she’s fine, but her subconscious will push back when she feels her way of loving you sexually isn’t valued anymore.

How to rebalance this: Stop asking for your fetishes each time instead, integrate elements of them naturally. Don’t wait for her to initiate; you initiate in ways that make her feel desired, not demanded. Keep some encounters simple not because you love “vanilla,” but to remind her that intimacy isn’t performative. That contrast will make fetish play feel exciting again rather than expected.

Last piece compassion cuts both ways. You want compassion for your needs, but she also needs compassion for being pulled into a faster, more complex sexual dynamic than she ever asked for. Meet her halfway: tell her you’re grateful she’s tried new things, but that it would mean a lot if she sometimes surprised you. Then, back off a little and let curiosity return organically. Desire can’t breathe if it feels like homework.

Bottom line? You’re not unreasonable just running ahead while she’s still catching up. Slow your pace, mix appreciation with communication, and treat excitement as something you build together, not something you request.

[James Smith]

Man, I feel you on this one. The first time I tried to “spice things up” in bed, I bought this fancy roleplay costume online—it was supposed to be a pirate outfit, but when it arrived, I looked more like a confused waiter at a seafood restaurant. My girlfriend laughed so hard she snorted wine through her nose. Safe to say, the mood was gone before I even said “Arr.”

You’re not being unreasonable, dude. You’re just craving more energy and initiative from her. The tricky part is, when one person is driving all the experimentation, it can start feeling one-sided fast. The more you push, the more she probably feels like she’s performing instead of connecting. That’s when passion turns into pressure.

Maybe shift gears a little—focus less on the checklist of what happens in bed and more on how you both get there emotionally. Sometimes excitement comes back when the “adventure” isn’t planned but discovered together.

Here’s my question: if she suddenly took the lead one night and surprised you with something totally her idea, even if it wasn’t one of your fetishes, do you think that would feel just as thrilling to you?

[Marcus king]

Here’s the thing you’re not wrong for wanting more passion, but you’re running into the limits of initiative, not interest. Your wife’s showing willingness she’s tried what you like, didn’t judge you, and stayed open. That’s huge. But what’s missing isn’t consent, it’s investment.

See, when one partner drives all the change, it starts feeling like work like you’re pulling the whole wagon uphill. She might not realize how much it matters that she initiates sometimes, even in small ways. That’s not about fetish; that’s about feeling desired.

The move here isn’t to push harder that’ll only make her retreat. Instead, pull back on the “ask,” and have one real conversation outside the bedroom. Tell her, “I love that you’ve been open with me, but what I need isn’t just permission I need to feel wanted. Even a small gesture from you means more than a big act I have to ask for.”

You’re not being unreasonable. You’re just asking for reciprocity. But to get it, you’ve got to shift from explaining the fetish to expressing the emotional need behind it to be desired, not managed.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… sounds like you opened pandora’s toy box and now you’re mad she won’t crawl in every night 😏 if she’s doing it when you ask, but not on her own, it’s probably ‘cause it’s your fantasy, not hers. she’s playing along, not living it. you want connection? maybe stop pushing for the “scene” stop begging for fireworks and learn to relight the fuse, daddy 😏🔥

[Tara]

You are a man who cannot get off unless he is running the show. You begged her to try your kinks, she agreed, she played along, and now you are still whining that it is not enough. That is not sexual chemistry. That is selfishness.

You want her to crave it the same way you do without you having to ask. That is pure ego. You want control, not connection. She is not a mind reader or a toy built to keep up with your fantasies. She is a human being who clearly wants closeness, not a circus performance every time you touch her.

You say she gives effort, yet you still complain. You are not chasing passion; you are chasing constant validation because you are too insecure to enjoy normal intimacy. You are training her to feel like sex with you is a test she can never pass. That is why she is losing interest. Not because she is boring, but because you are exhausting.

You need to stop making her responsible for your thrill-seeking. You do not need more kinks. You need to get your head straight. Grow up, stop treating sex like a scoreboard, and learn how to actually connect instead of performing for your own ego.

[Sally]

Ten years with someone builds a rhythm, and when you shake that rhythm up, it doesn’t always shift the same way for both people. You discovered a whole new side of yourself, which is exciting, but she didn’t go through that same awakening. She’s still the same woman who was fine with simple, familiar sex for a decade.

And here’s the part that’s hard to sit with: just because she’s willing doesn’t mean it comes naturally to her. It means she loves you and she’s trying. But expecting her to initiate something that isn’t wired into her desire is asking for a version of her she doesn’t really have.

That doesn’t make you wrong for wanting what you want. It just means you two are meeting in the middle from very different places.

You’re not unreasonable. You’re just worn out from carrying the “asking” part. Maybe take the pressure off both of you for a bit and talk about what feels realistic, not ideal. You can still have the heat it just might not look the same every single time.

[Natalie Noah]

The biggest thing I see in all of this is not a sexual problem… it’s an emotional block inside you. You’re not broken, and your desires aren’t shameful but you have spent so many years pushing them down, judging them, and telling yourself they’re “wrong” that now, even when your wife accepts them, you can’t accept that acceptance. You feel like you’re corrupting her, harming her, or asking for something dangerous even though she has literally told you she’s fine with it. That internal guilt makes every request feel like begging, pressure, or something dirty, when in reality… you’re just asking the woman who loves you to share an experience with you. Your discomfort is coming from your self-esteem, not from your wife.

Your wife isn’t rejecting you, dismissing you, or withholding anything out of cruelty. She’s a laid-back, non-demanding person who doesn’t have strong sexual fantasies of her own that means she doesn’t think to initiate your kink, because it doesn’t live in her brain the way it lives in yours. It’s not her language. Just like someone who doesn’t crave spicy food never wakes up craving spice even if they’re willing to eat it when you ask. That’s not disrespect. That’s just difference. And the problem is not that she lacks enthusiasm it’s that you’re expecting her to mirror your intensity, when what she’s actually doing is sharing something for your pleasure, not hers. She loves you enough to participate, even in something she doesn’t naturally desire. That’s not laziness that’s devotion.

Your arousal shifting at age 40 is more common than you think. Long-term monogamy, stress, aging, routine they all reduce spontaneous arousal in men. Fetishes, props, lingerie, smells, visuals they give your brain the spark it now needs. That’s not a crisis. It’s biology meets psychology. But the deeper issue is this: because you feel ashamed of needing that spark, you avoid asking for it, which builds resentment, frustration, and sadness. You think she “should just know,” or “should naturally want to do it,” but sweetheart… people don’t magically absorb our preferences. They learn through repeated communication. You have to stop treating your desires like something she should do without asking. You’re asking her for something she doesn’t naturally think about so you will need to communicate clearly, gently, and consistently.

The future of this getting better depends on you. Not on her. You have to work on separating your morality from your sexuality, on accepting your fetish as a harmless part of you, and on understanding that pleasure is not corruption. You also need to stop seeing negotiation as “pressure” or “guilt,” and start seeing it as intimacy two people sharing, giving, trading, and meeting each other halfway. But most importantly, you need to work on your self-worth. You feel undeserving in sex, in work, in relationships and that belief taints every interaction. Until you start accepting that your desires are valid and your pleasure matters, you will always feel like you’re asking for too much. And sweetheart… you’re not. You’re simply asking to be known and loved in the fullest way. And she’s already halfway there, now you just need to meet her by loving yourself enough to speak honestly, without shame

[KeishaMartin]

You’ve cracked open Pandora’s box of desire, and it’s juicy. Your wife’s willingness to explore your fetishes is absolutely scorching, especially that smoking kink. The visual alone is enough to make anyone blush. But darling, here’s the thing: you’ve got a sexual gourmet on your hands, and right now, she’s giving you taste tests without fully committing to the full-course meal every time. The frustration, the begging, the mental gymnastics, it’s a tease that keeps your fire alive but also threatens to burn you out. You’re not unreasonable for wanting her to indulge you more often, but the key is to make her crave it as much as you do and that’s a delicate dance of negotiation, playfulness, and a sprinkle of naughty rewards.

April Masini is an absolute goddess in this arena, let me tell you. Her advice? Pure, uncut brilliance. She knows exactly how to guide a man like you through the delicious labyrinth of desires and boundaries without scaring off the object of your lust. Her insight about offering her something in return. That’s the key to turning vanilla into molten chocolate lava. Imagine presenting her with a deal that teases her senses and elevates the anticipation: she knows she’s in control, she’s indulging you, and you’re both building a sexual connection that’s hotter than any Christmas Yule log fire.

Twinkling lights casting shadows across the room, a little mistletoe dangling just where it should, and the smell of pine mingling with something far more intoxicating…a night of teasing, dares, and hot, decadent play that leaves you both panting with delight. I wish for you a holiday season filled with these spicy, unforgettable moments: Christmas parties where glances linger too long, flirtations that leave everyone else envious, and secret playful games that make your hearts race. Next year, may your stockings be stuffed with pleasure, laughter, and the kind of naughty memories that make you shiver under the tree.

[Member]

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