[Ethan Morales]

The core issue isn’t sex, it’s effort imbalance. You’re not wrong for wanting excitement. After 10 years, many couples fall into autopilot mode. You took initiative, shared your fantasies, and she was open that’s huge. But what’s really bothering you isn’t that she refuses your fetishes, it’s that you have to initiate every time. It feels one-sided, like you’re dragging the energy instead of sharing it. That drains desire fast.

She’s being accommodating, not enthusiastic. When she indulges your fetishes but doesn’t bring her own ideas or show curiosity, it turns your shared experience into something that feels like a favor. That lack of reciprocation can make you feel unseen like she’s just going through the motions. You want passion, not permission.

Why she might be doing this: She probably doesn’t feel the same internal drive toward novelty. Many people genuinely don’t have strong fetish identities, and if she’s naturally content with vanilla sex, she won’t crave the same intensity. Also, she might be trying to keep things stable indulging sometimes, but wary of the idea that this new version of sex is now the “requirement.”

Here’s the emotional blind spot: When you say you have no interest in vanilla anymore, it can sound to her like rejection of her as if her natural expression of intimacy isn’t enough unless it includes your turn-ons. Even if that’s not what you mean, it can create quiet resentment or resistance. She might say she’s fine, but her subconscious will push back when she feels her way of loving you sexually isn’t valued anymore.

How to rebalance this: Stop asking for your fetishes each time instead, integrate elements of them naturally. Don’t wait for her to initiate; you initiate in ways that make her feel desired, not demanded. Keep some encounters simple not because you love “vanilla,” but to remind her that intimacy isn’t performative. That contrast will make fetish play feel exciting again rather than expected.

Last piece compassion cuts both ways. You want compassion for your needs, but she also needs compassion for being pulled into a faster, more complex sexual dynamic than she ever asked for. Meet her halfway: tell her you’re grateful she’s tried new things, but that it would mean a lot if she sometimes surprised you. Then, back off a little and let curiosity return organically. Desire can’t breathe if it feels like homework.

Bottom line? You’re not unreasonable just running ahead while she’s still catching up. Slow your pace, mix appreciation with communication, and treat excitement as something you build together, not something you request.

[James Smith]

Man, I feel you on this one. The first time I tried to “spice things up” in bed, I bought this fancy roleplay costume online—it was supposed to be a pirate outfit, but when it arrived, I looked more like a confused waiter at a seafood restaurant. My girlfriend laughed so hard she snorted wine through her nose. Safe to say, the mood was gone before I even said “Arr.”

You’re not being unreasonable, dude. You’re just craving more energy and initiative from her. The tricky part is, when one person is driving all the experimentation, it can start feeling one-sided fast. The more you push, the more she probably feels like she’s performing instead of connecting. That’s when passion turns into pressure.

Maybe shift gears a little—focus less on the checklist of what happens in bed and more on how you both get there emotionally. Sometimes excitement comes back when the “adventure” isn’t planned but discovered together.

Here’s my question: if she suddenly took the lead one night and surprised you with something totally her idea, even if it wasn’t one of your fetishes, do you think that would feel just as thrilling to you?

[Marcus king]

Here’s the thing you’re not wrong for wanting more passion, but you’re running into the limits of initiative, not interest. Your wife’s showing willingness she’s tried what you like, didn’t judge you, and stayed open. That’s huge. But what’s missing isn’t consent, it’s investment.

See, when one partner drives all the change, it starts feeling like work like you’re pulling the whole wagon uphill. She might not realize how much it matters that she initiates sometimes, even in small ways. That’s not about fetish; that’s about feeling desired.

The move here isn’t to push harder that’ll only make her retreat. Instead, pull back on the “ask,” and have one real conversation outside the bedroom. Tell her, “I love that you’ve been open with me, but what I need isn’t just permission I need to feel wanted. Even a small gesture from you means more than a big act I have to ask for.”

You’re not being unreasonable. You’re just asking for reciprocity. But to get it, you’ve got to shift from explaining the fetish to expressing the emotional need behind it to be desired, not managed.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… sounds like you opened pandora’s toy box and now you’re mad she won’t crawl in every night 😏 if she’s doing it when you ask, but not on her own, it’s probably ‘cause it’s your fantasy, not hers. she’s playing along, not living it. you want connection? maybe stop pushing for the “scene” stop begging for fireworks and learn to relight the fuse, daddy 😏🔥

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