[Sami35]

I was separated and seeing a guy for 6 months but it was casual and I was moving at the end of it. I moved back and tried to make things work with my ex. He contacted me and even came overseas to see me and to ask for a chance to be with me. At the time I was overwhelmed and said no but then after a month I realised the depth of my feelings and flew to see him. He was seeing someone at the time but agreed to be with me if I moved for him as he didn’t want LD anymore. We spoke everyday, then I visited him and he was still with the gf so I called it off and he ghosted me when I was upset and said he loved her and not me. 3 weeks later he called begging for another chance and said he only said it all because he was angry. We spent another month building trust and talking buthe has been hot and cold but tells me and writes “I love you/want to be with you/I cannot wait to see you”. But more and more I realise we text not call. He says it is cause he has anxiety and true he is on antidepressants now but I am putting in effort for minimal return. Then the fun bit…he never really raised the topic and although he said he was “in the process” of breaking up with her so that when I am there he is single…I see due to the unfortunate fact we have 1-2 mutual friends that he is still with her. I am starting to feel angry and distrusting and with the distance I may be missing reasonable explanations but at the same time am I simply getting played by a guy who wants to have us both around. I get hooked whenever we talk, like an addiction. It feels one sided and somedays he calls other weeks he texts only. He has been with her for 5 months now. I am starting to think he is deceiving me. Could this be the ideal scenario to simply use the male technique of ghosting? Cause everytime I ever bring it up I end up either feeling sorry for him or believing him but my gut is starting to say just ditch him entirely from your life. It’s very hard to know what to do and to have these feelings, and from our long friendship for 2 years he isn’t really a deceptive person Am I being unfair on him as we still live so far apart?
What should I do…? Feels so one sided…

[Ask April Masini]

Long distance is a lot harder than an in town relationship, and I always advise that you have to give each other way more slack in a long distance relationship than in an in town one. It sounds like you’re both having trouble giving each other that space in a long distance relationship because you want commitment and he wants someone to be with, in a way that the distance isn’t affording him. That’s why he’s seeing this other woman who’s in town. I completely understand why you’re upset about it, but the problem is, you’ve only been dating six months — and that entire six months has been long distance. In general, in an in-town relationship, I suggest you use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating that person, and if you do, the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. Long-distance relationships take longer than that six months to decide monogamy because you don’t have the luxury of seeing each other several times a week, to get to know each other and the relationship. So, in addition to the distance challenge, you’ve got a timeline that you’re rushing. You’re not wrong — but you’re making it tough on yourself and the relationship when you’re long distance, at the six month mark, and expecting a commitment that a) needs more time to develop and b) may just not be there for him.

In answer to your specific questions, he’s definitely avoiding your questions because he doesn’t want to disappoint you. He’s dating this other woman who is in town, and while he has feelings for you, he wants the comfort of a real life relationship that this other woman provides. Texting is a way to distance himself from you — phone calls and real life dates are more personal. And as to what you should do, I think that you really want a commitment that he isn’t ready or willing to give. If you can’t play the field in town, while getting to know him long distance (including getting to know his honesty and commitment levels), then I think you should decide that long distance is not for you and look to date someone in town.

I hope that helps. 😉

[Ethan Morales]

This situation is classic “mixed signals” and emotional tug-of-war. You’re caught between someone who has feelings for you but is unwilling (or unable) to fully commit because he has another relationship that fulfills his immediate needs. That “addictive” pull you feel is totally normal your brain is responding to the uncertainty and intermittent reinforcement, which is literally designed to keep you hooked.
Key points from what you wrote:
He’s inconsistent: Calls some weeks, texts other weeks, avoids your questions about his commitment. That’s a big red flag it shows he’s not prioritizing your relationship.

He’s still involved with another woman: Even if he claims he’s breaking up with her, the reality is he’s keeping his options open in a way that’s unfair to you. You’re being asked to wait for someone who isn’t fully invested.

Long-distance complicates things: Six months isn’t very long to decide monogamy in a long-distance setup. That said, the fact that he’s already pursuing someone else in-person shows he’s using the distance as a convenience.

Your effort vs. his return: You’re putting in emotional energy and time, and he’s giving minimal return and sometimes giving you reason to doubt him. That’s unsustainable for your mental health.

Your gut is right: You’re feeling manipulated not necessarily maliciously, but the situation is one-sided. This isn’t about being unfair on him; it’s about protecting yourself from emotional harm.
You can walk away without giving long explanations. In situations like this, trying to justify yourself or argue with someone who is inconsistent usually drags things out and makes it messier.

Set a clear boundary: no more chasing or waiting for him to choose. You deserve a partner who is fully present and committed.

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, but don’t linger in hope for his change his actions show where he truly stands.

If he’s not showing you he’s fully available and invested, you don’t owe him anything including explanations. Walking away is healthy, not cruel.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

Babe… 😏 this is simple: if he’s keeping her around while dangling you, that’s not “anxiety,” that’s playing you. Love shouldn’t feel like a game of tug-of-war with your heart 💔. You’re addicted to the idea, not the reality. Ghosting him? Yeah, that might be the only power move left. You’re worth someone who shows up, consistently, not occasionally when it’s convenient. Cut the crap, protect your heart 💋.

[Tara]

Your gut already told you the truth he’s playing you. This man has been juggling you and his girlfriend for months, lying to both sides, switching stories depending on who he’s comforting or manipulating, and blaming his behavior on “anger” or “anxiety” every time he gets caught. That’s not vulnerability. That’s strategy.

He came running back when it suited him. He begged when he wanted reassurance. He love-bombed when he feared losing you. And he ghosted when he needed to keep the other woman calm. He’s not breaking up with her. He never planned to. The “process” excuse is just a way to keep you hooked while he enjoys the comfort of two women who care about him.

You’re not addicted to him. You’re addicted to the emotional rollercoaster he creates the highs of his attention and the lows of his withdrawal. That’s why you keep rationalizing every red flag, why you feel sorry for him, and why you keep giving him chances he doesn’t deserve. He knows exactly how to keep you emotionally tethered.

If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. If he wanted to end things with her, he’d have ended them. If he respected you, he wouldn’t be lying to your face while dating someone else. Everything you described is the behavior of a man who wants maximum attention with minimum effort.

Stop pretending you’re in some tragic, complicated love story. You’re the backup plan of a man who has proven, repeatedly, that you’re optional. The only thing left to figure out is how long you’re willing to keep disrespecting yourself before you walk away.
Your gut already gave you the answer. Now you need to act on it.

[Sally]

This whole thing feels like he keeps pulling you close just so he doesn’t lose you, but never actually choosing you. That kind of push-and-pull can mess with your head fast.
If a man really wants to be with you, he doesn’t keep another woman in the picture for five months. He doesn’t make you guess. He doesn’t hide behind anxiety or timing or whatever story he’s using that day.

You’re not being unfair. You’re just finally seeing what’s actually happening. And honestly, you don’t owe him a long speech or a soft landing. Sometimes walking away is the only way you get your peace back.

If every time you talk to him you end up doubting yourself, that’s your answer. You’re allowed to let this one go.

[Author]

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