[ellenc85]

Hi April – I’m desperate for advice and I’m so glad I stumbled across your wonderful site. This is a 10 year relationship I’m talking about, so I apologize for the long post…

I’ve been dating this guy for 10 years now, we are high school sweethearts and I’ve been dating him since I was 15 (I’m 25 now and he’s 28, we started dating in Oct 2000). Throughout our relationship, I’ve had to deal with a couple of things – his lying issues and weak communication skills.
So that you better understand our situation, I’ll go ahead and explain in detail.
In 2003, we were having a school fashion show so I had to stay after school. He was also there because he wanted to hang out with me however, we separated for about an hour because I had to join the group of “models” for the show.
I quickly tagged along with one of my girlfriends to her house because she had to get something (he didn’t know I left) and when we got back, I saw him giving this girl (we’ll call her Dee) a piggy back ride and was laughing, flirting around with her. My friend was driving and she even pointed him out. So we parked right in front of them and as soon as I got out of the car, he realized I was there watching him and Dee quickly jumped off his back and they acted like nothing happened. Of course, I was furious. Later that evening, I scolded him and we had a huge argument. He apologized, said it won’t happen again and that they were just playing around because they’re like “best friends”. So whatever, I shrugged it off and moved on.

Now in 2005, we were in his car and I just kept having these random gut feelings that he was doing something behind my back. Something just told me not to trust him. So I asked to see his laptop and he seemed pretty confident that he wasn’t hiding anything so I wasn’t too worried, but still, I wanted to check it out.
I ended up finding a bunch of saved conversations between him and that Dee girl and a couple of him with his sister’s friend. I asked him to confess everything to me, and he just sat there shaking his head in silence. I was furious, angry, hurt and livid. I was crying my eyes out in front of him in disbelief. I told him he better end it or I’ll leave, etc. Long story short – he eventually confessed everything to me (but only after I nagged him like crazy) and told me that he saw Dee a couple of times, bought her a few stuff here and there. She is very manipulative and although she had a boyfriend, she would always call mine whenever they had probs and she’d lure my bf into buying her stuff by trying to act “sweet”. Thing is, my bf obviously had a thing for her but she never did (I could tell from the convos that she was only “sweet” to him when she would fight with her boyfriend).
As for the OTHER convo, he also talked to another girl (his friend’s friend) and flirted a bit online. He confessed to me that he and his friend went to visit her while she was at work (as a waitress) but that was it.
Another convo was with his sister’s friend, one who often slept over at their house. They practically had cyber sex. He kept flirting with her and he told me that he only did it because he liked the attention and knew that she liked him. He told me he would never “touch” her because she’s “dirty” and he only liked the attention.
This was the most hurtful to me. I felt that ever since this happened, our relationship just wasn’t the same anymore.

In late 2008, I broke it off with him. I met another man and started dating a few others, but it didn’t work out. I started to really miss my ex and realized that I got along with him better. So about 4 months later, I called him and told him I missed him. He told me he really got hurt that I left him and needed time to let everything sink back in because he truly thought he lost me forever. We eventually got back together and I was in love with him again. I was ready and knew he was the one for me. Or so I thought…

Now fast forward to 2010 – again, I’ve been having weird gut feelings that something was up. So I kept asking him again. He refused at first, convincing me that there was nothing. I believed him at first but my instincts grew stronger that I couldn’t ignore it. So after asking him nicely and promising a new beginning if he can show me that he can be honest with me, he broke down and confessed to me. He confessed about 2 months ago that ever since I broke it off in 2008, he got back in contact with Dee and they were talking and keeping in touch behind my back for about over a year. (from December 2008 and Jan 2010)
I don’t believe him AT ALL when he says that he never saw her. He says over and over again that he didn’t because he “didn’t want it to get to that point again” and that “he was just lonely, needed someone to talk to” and their relationship was strictly “platonic, like they were best friends again.” He told me that he eventually told her he didn’t want to talk to her anymore because all she did was talk about her problems and issues. I’ve seen the phone records and they’ve had a couple late conversations (like at 3:00am, conversations lasted for about an hour or two). He told me that because I forced him to “end” their “friendship” in the beginning, he never really felt like he did it on his own and missed having a friendship with her. But apparently NOW, he’s more sure than ever that I’m the one for him and he’s “done with the games” and he’s ready to commit.

Problem is, now I just don’t want to. Fear of being lied to and cheated on is overpowering the bit of love that I have for him. Thing is, although he’s a liar and such, our situation is a bit different because of a few things – we’ve been each other’s first and only serious lover. We both haven’t been in relationships before (I’ve dated a few in junior high and high school but it was very teeny-bob puppy love). We lost our virginity’s to each other and have a strict belief of sharing ourselves only with each other. He has major communication problems and he’s typically VERY shy, and he’s insecure around women.
I know nobody is perfect but I don’t know if this relationship is worth holding onto. We’ve been through a lot together, we work wonderfully together as a team and deep down he’s a very very good guy (he’s the type that would be here in a heartbeat if I told him I needed him. He ALWAYS wants to be with me, he’s seeing a therapist because he realizes he has communication and lying issues, he’s reading self-help books, he always puts my needs first before his, he visits me every single day after work even though he wakes up very early (he runs a family business with his father) and never complains that he’s too tired to see me, when he does see me his faces lights up and he’s excited, my family loves him and my best friends think that overall, he means well and he’s a good guy. We share the same values, beliefs and dreams in life but I just can’t stand the betrayal and lies. So I’m very confused.

I know deep down, he means well…but I just don’t trust him. And he knows this. He told me “he’d do anything to gain back my trust, even if that means dealing with phone/e-mail checks for years to come.”
Problem is, I hate that – I don’t want to HAVE to do that. I want an open, honest and loving relationship where I can trust that the man I love won’t ever lie to me like that. I am not the insecure, crazy psycho chick but with him, I certainly feel like I am. I hate the person I’ve become and I’ve even lost respect for him because of all that he’s done. I’ve forgiven him so many times and I just feel like he has taken me for granted.
I believe in 100% honesty and I’ve been so loyal and faithful to him. If I wanted to date others or see others, he would be the first to know and I would break it off with him.

So April, is it worth holding onto or is it really time to let it go?

Thank you so much for your time and advice.

[AskApril Masini]

You don’t trust him. He’s taken you for granted. He’s cheated and lied to you multiple times. It’s way past time for you to let go and to move on. 🙁

People hold onto their first lovers in different ways because the sentiment is so profound, but you can hold onto him in your heart or mind without actually being in a (bad) relationship with him. The problem seems to be your fear of being alone and moving on. He’s shown you his true colors over a decade now. You know you want a man who doesn’t lie or cheat and one that you respect and who makes you feel good about yourself. He’s not that guy.

Break up with him, and accept that being alone is a step towards meeting Mr. Right. If you’re not available because you’re involved with him, you’ll never meet that right guy. Read the book I’ve written for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right, called Think & Date Like A Man. You can download it right here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] or you can buy it on Amazon.com or the website for Barnes & Noble. It will help you a lot and keep you focused on the RIGHT direction. 🙂

I hope that helps. I know this is a hard task, but unless you do it, you’ll never find true love.

Hope to see you on Facebook: [url][/url], and I also hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

[ellenc85]

Thank you April. So true. I really need to get out of this comfort zone and just let nature take its own course.
I’ve been keeping myself busy and have become a gym rat…hopefully that bumps up my confidence.

I’m buying your book now. Thanks for replying so quickly!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m very glad I could help! Please let me know what you think of the book — I’m quite sure it’s going to launch you into a different level of dating than you’ve been at, but I want to hear specifics from you!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook: [url][/url].

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