[Freddy]

April,

I had a question answered in a recent post [would a woman ever pursue] regarding how I should proceed with a woman who I believe likes me but has been a challenge because of possible divorce issues. You thought it would be a good idea to call and get some questions answered regarding her current situation to help me with how to move forward.

I actually bumped into her at a store today. She approached me, seemed to get a happy attitude and after we said our hellos she started immediately talking about why she has not called; she said she was very stressed out. She went on about how she had decided to get rid of the house that they [her and the X] bought together because of the stress of payments, upkeep and memories. She is trying to get another [better job] currently because the two things making her unhappy right now is the house and the job she hates. It had gotten so bad for her apparently that she had an anxiety attack with chest pains and so on and had no contact with anyone this past week. The therapist told her that the house and job she hates is the cause of her pain so she is making those changes to move on with her life.

She did not go to work for 3 days and stayed with her mom. Her mother has been working with the X regarding the loan and how the house will be sold. I was very surprised to hear her say that the reason it may have appeared like she was not having that much fun on the first date is because her X husband was at her house the day of our date to fix the sprinkler system on the house their names are on. She said that she was telling her mother how she hoped I was not thinking anything was wrong because she did not call me this week and that she is better now…”I’m going to call you” she says.

Is this taking a risk or taking it in the rear? I don’t want to distrust everything this woman says but what was all that about? Was that a confession to keep me interested while she gets a few things straight so she can move on with her life? I kind of think she was nervous because she did not expect to see me in person and told me everything I wanted to hear so she would not need to be in an uncomfortable position.

I think that she is lying but then again I am a pessimist

[seriouslyconfused]

Personally, I dont think she would have gone into that much personal detail just to blow you off. I think if you are really interested, and really care about her, give her some time to get over all the stress going on in her life. Support her from a distance but dont pressure her. She seems interested but its just not a good time.

[Freddy]

I thought the same thing. I mean…who would do that at the age of 30 rather than just say “I’m not ready for a relationship right now?” Thats an easy thing to say to someone to give them the hint that they are not romantically interested without being mean.

I have never encountered a situation like this before. Usually the woman is initially interested and through a few dates you may find that you are not a match or there is no chemistry. Or, they are not interested and don’t even give you a phone number in the first place.

Now I’m in my late 30’s dating women who have older childern and have X husbands in their life and maybe I am not understanding how the dating game has changed? I have never been married and have no kids. My life is much easier. Maybe thats why I don’t understand and feel confused.

[Ask April Masini]

I think it’s great that you found out more information about this woman, and that she was happy to see you when you ran into each other. Whether or not she calls you is up to her, but the real question is do you want to give her a call and see if she really is interested in dating?

You ask me if she’s lying, and I don’t really know, but you said that you think she is lying, so you probably already know the answer. The question is, what is she lying about? She may be lying about why she didn’t call you after she cancelled the barbeque, but I don’t think she’s lying about being happy to see you. Sometimes people are lazy about canceling and then embarrassed later, so they lie to make themselves appear to be not lazy. It’s not great character, but it’s normal. She didn’t lie about the stress she was under when you went on that first date, and now you know more about that. And it sounds like she’s taking steps to alleviate the stress so she can be more available to have a relationship. So if she is lying, I don’t think she’s lying about everything. And she may not be lying at all.

Then you asked me if you’re a pessimist, but you also told me that you are! So maybe these aren’t the real questions.

I think the real question you want to ask is: Will I get rejected again if I ask her out? The answer is maybe yes, maybe no. But dating is about risking rejecting and taking hits in the interest of finding that really great person who is a wonderful partner for you. You have to get up to bat in order to be able to even consider getting a home run. Most home run hitters strike out a lot, but what’s remembered about them are those grand slams, not the strike outs. And when you are rejected, you should be glad to not be wasting your time with someone who isn’t right for you. Rejection can actually be a gift if you look at it in the bigger picture of life.

So if this makes sense to you, and it’s not too much stress for you, I’d recommend you go for it again. Call her up, ask her out, and take her on a date. See how the second one goes, and then you decide how you want to proceed from there.

[Freddy]

Thanks again April. You’re right…big deal if I get rejected. What is at risk anyway? My ego? She seemed to be up front with me about everything…maybe she was not lying, maybe I saw it as a negative when I should have seen it as a positive? It’s like she just gave me a road map. I know exactly what her issues are and what she is currently doing to correct them. None of which seemed to have anything to do with me. She never let me down or go…she explained herself and her situation to me willingly.

In a previous thread you had said – “If she’s dwelling on a break up that happened over a year or so ago, she may have some more complex issues to work through before she’s any fun.”

It seems obvious [I feel it in my gut] that she is not ready for anything at this moment. That may be why she pulled away. If she is interested, we both know where things are going to go if we keep seeing each other; so maybe she realized that she could not give that to me right now and she had to put on the breaks.

I believe that based upon what she said she won’t be ready for anything until she moves in with her mother [gets out of the house from that divorce] and gets another job. She even mentioned the possibility of just quitting the current job.

How do I give her the space she needs and keep myself around for that second date? She may not be ready for up to a few months and I don’t want to give up. When she is ready SOMEONE will be there pursuing her…why not me?

What do you think about calling her once a week or two to say hello and see what she’s up to? Based upon her attitude during these calls and what is going on in her life at the time I would know when to ask for that second date.

Does that sound like a good plan?

[Ask April Masini]

Calling her every now and then is a fine idea. Don’t make the weekly calls too methodical, though. Give the dance of love a little syncopation. Call her one week, then wait ten or twelve days or even two or three weeks for the next call. Let her miss you a little, then call her and give her something to be grateful for in your call. If you want to build up to a date, and she’s reluctant because she’s taking care of business, make yourself attractive to her as well as satiating your desire to know she’s still there.

Also, be flexible. If you call her one week, and she’s just miserable, in tears, and completely absorbed in her own divorce situation, you may want to give her some more time than a week to take care of her business. Listen to her, and you’ll know what to do and when.

In the meantime, keep your own options open in terms of other women. She may be more interested in you if she knows that you’re a catch and you have a life. Seeing other women — as friends, casual dates, or more — will also let you know yourself better and give you more self esteem. That self esteem will keep you from panicking about whether she’ll be there or not when you call.

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