[Freddy]

April,

I had a question answered in a recent post [would a woman ever pursue] regarding how I should proceed with a woman who I believe likes me but has been a challenge because of possible divorce issues. You thought it would be a good idea to call and get some questions answered regarding her current situation to help me with how to move forward.

I actually bumped into her at a store today. She approached me, seemed to get a happy attitude and after we said our hellos she started immediately talking about why she has not called; she said she was very stressed out. She went on about how she had decided to get rid of the house that they [her and the X] bought together because of the stress of payments, upkeep and memories. She is trying to get another [better job] currently because the two things making her unhappy right now is the house and the job she hates. It had gotten so bad for her apparently that she had an anxiety attack with chest pains and so on and had no contact with anyone this past week. The therapist told her that the house and job she hates is the cause of her pain so she is making those changes to move on with her life.

She did not go to work for 3 days and stayed with her mom. Her mother has been working with the X regarding the loan and how the house will be sold. I was very surprised to hear her say that the reason it may have appeared like she was not having that much fun on the first date is because her X husband was at her house the day of our date to fix the sprinkler system on the house their names are on. She said that she was telling her mother how she hoped I was not thinking anything was wrong because she did not call me this week and that she is better now…”I’m going to call you” she says.

Is this taking a risk or taking it in the rear? I don’t want to distrust everything this woman says but what was all that about? Was that a confession to keep me interested while she gets a few things straight so she can move on with her life? I kind of think she was nervous because she did not expect to see me in person and told me everything I wanted to hear so she would not need to be in an uncomfortable position.

I think that she is lying but then again I am a pessimist

[seriouslyconfused]

Personally, I dont think she would have gone into that much personal detail just to blow you off. I think if you are really interested, and really care about her, give her some time to get over all the stress going on in her life. Support her from a distance but dont pressure her. She seems interested but its just not a good time.

[Freddy]

I thought the same thing. I mean…who would do that at the age of 30 rather than just say “I’m not ready for a relationship right now?” Thats an easy thing to say to someone to give them the hint that they are not romantically interested without being mean.

I have never encountered a situation like this before. Usually the woman is initially interested and through a few dates you may find that you are not a match or there is no chemistry. Or, they are not interested and don’t even give you a phone number in the first place.

Now I’m in my late 30’s dating women who have older childern and have X husbands in their life and maybe I am not understanding how the dating game has changed? I have never been married and have no kids. My life is much easier. Maybe thats why I don’t understand and feel confused.

[Ask April Masini]

I think it’s great that you found out more information about this woman, and that she was happy to see you when you ran into each other. Whether or not she calls you is up to her, but the real question is do you want to give her a call and see if she really is interested in dating?

You ask me if she’s lying, and I don’t really know, but you said that you think she is lying, so you probably already know the answer. The question is, what is she lying about? She may be lying about why she didn’t call you after she cancelled the barbeque, but I don’t think she’s lying about being happy to see you. Sometimes people are lazy about canceling and then embarrassed later, so they lie to make themselves appear to be not lazy. It’s not great character, but it’s normal. She didn’t lie about the stress she was under when you went on that first date, and now you know more about that. And it sounds like she’s taking steps to alleviate the stress so she can be more available to have a relationship. So if she is lying, I don’t think she’s lying about everything. And she may not be lying at all.

Then you asked me if you’re a pessimist, but you also told me that you are! So maybe these aren’t the real questions.

I think the real question you want to ask is: Will I get rejected again if I ask her out? The answer is maybe yes, maybe no. But dating is about risking rejecting and taking hits in the interest of finding that really great person who is a wonderful partner for you. You have to get up to bat in order to be able to even consider getting a home run. Most home run hitters strike out a lot, but what’s remembered about them are those grand slams, not the strike outs. And when you are rejected, you should be glad to not be wasting your time with someone who isn’t right for you. Rejection can actually be a gift if you look at it in the bigger picture of life.

So if this makes sense to you, and it’s not too much stress for you, I’d recommend you go for it again. Call her up, ask her out, and take her on a date. See how the second one goes, and then you decide how you want to proceed from there.

[Freddy]

Thanks again April. You’re right…big deal if I get rejected. What is at risk anyway? My ego? She seemed to be up front with me about everything…maybe she was not lying, maybe I saw it as a negative when I should have seen it as a positive? It’s like she just gave me a road map. I know exactly what her issues are and what she is currently doing to correct them. None of which seemed to have anything to do with me. She never let me down or go…she explained herself and her situation to me willingly.

In a previous thread you had said – “If she’s dwelling on a break up that happened over a year or so ago, she may have some more complex issues to work through before she’s any fun.”

It seems obvious [I feel it in my gut] that she is not ready for anything at this moment. That may be why she pulled away. If she is interested, we both know where things are going to go if we keep seeing each other; so maybe she realized that she could not give that to me right now and she had to put on the breaks.

I believe that based upon what she said she won’t be ready for anything until she moves in with her mother [gets out of the house from that divorce] and gets another job. She even mentioned the possibility of just quitting the current job.

How do I give her the space she needs and keep myself around for that second date? She may not be ready for up to a few months and I don’t want to give up. When she is ready SOMEONE will be there pursuing her…why not me?

What do you think about calling her once a week or two to say hello and see what she’s up to? Based upon her attitude during these calls and what is going on in her life at the time I would know when to ask for that second date.

Does that sound like a good plan?

[Ask April Masini]

Calling her every now and then is a fine idea. Don’t make the weekly calls too methodical, though. Give the dance of love a little syncopation. Call her one week, then wait ten or twelve days or even two or three weeks for the next call. Let her miss you a little, then call her and give her something to be grateful for in your call. If you want to build up to a date, and she’s reluctant because she’s taking care of business, make yourself attractive to her as well as satiating your desire to know she’s still there.

Also, be flexible. If you call her one week, and she’s just miserable, in tears, and completely absorbed in her own divorce situation, you may want to give her some more time than a week to take care of her business. Listen to her, and you’ll know what to do and when.

In the meantime, keep your own options open in terms of other women. She may be more interested in you if she knows that you’re a catch and you have a life. Seeing other women — as friends, casual dates, or more — will also let you know yourself better and give you more self esteem. That self esteem will keep you from panicking about whether she’ll be there or not when you call.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re reading the situation clearly: she’s untangling a messy life, and it’s not about you. That’s the good news. The bad news is people in transition can be unreliable romantic partners until they’ve actually moved through the mess. Wanting to be there for her is noble being the only option on standby for months is not. Here’s a practical, no-drama plan that keeps you in the running without turning you into a doormat.

Give her real space not radio silence, but measured presence. Calling once every week feels like too much and looks needy. Calling once every 10–14 days is better: short, upbeat check-ins that say you care but have a life. Example text: “Hey thinking of you. Hope the house stuff is moving along. Coffee in two weeks if you’re up for it?” Keep it light, helpful, and not demanding.

Be useful, not clingy. If you can genuinely help (a contact for movers, a reference for jobs, a sympathetic ear when she’s at her breaking point), offer it once. Then step back. Practical help communicates value without emotional pressure. Don’t reinvent yourself as her project manager be a person she wants, not a lifeline she resents.

Set a private timeline for yourself. Decide how long you’ll wait before you either ask for clarity or move on emotionally I’d suggest 6–12 weeks as a reasonable window. If she’s still unavailable after that and hasn’t given you a clear sign she’s moving toward dating, pull back and protect your time and feelings.

Keep your options open. Yes, she may come back when she’s ready but someone else might be pursuing her while she’s figuring things out. Don’t let the fear of losing her stop you from living. Date casually, keep friendships strong, and nurture your own life. That makes you more attractive and less desperate.

When she’s ready, escalate deliberately. If she responds warmly or suggests a date, make it a clear, intentional date not “hang out.” Use confident language: “I’d love to take you out Friday dinner at X. Will you join me?” If she accepts and seems engaged, keep building. If she’s lukewarm, treat that as useful information.

Respect your dignity. If her patterns become repeated avoidance ghosting for weeks, chronic excuses walk. You deserve someone who chooses you when they’re capable of choosing. Being patient is admirable; staying in limbo is not.

Check-in text (10–14 days): “Hey thinking of you. Hope things are getting easier. If you want help moving a box or grabbing a coffee sometime, I’m around.” Date ask when she’s warm: “I’d love to take you properly to dinner Friday. Want to make it a date?”

Be kind, be useful, be patient but not indefinite. Balance presence with self-respect. If she’s meant to be in your life, she’ll show up when she’s stable enough to be with you. If not, you’ll be glad you didn’t waste months waiting

[Marcus king]

Hey, I get why you’re torn, her story feels both sincere and suspicious at the same time. But here’s the thing, you don’t have to label her a liar or a saint right now. She’s clearly going through a lot divorce, stress, panic attacks, trying to rebuild her life and that kind of emotional overload can make people inconsistent.

When she ran into you, it sounds like guilt and relief mixed together. Guilt for disappearing, relief that you didn’t seem angry. So she over-explained to cover the gap and reassure you. That’s not necessarily manipulation sometimes people just panic when they know they’ve left someone hanging.

What you can do is keep your expectations realistic. Stay kind but don’t chase. Let her be the one to reach out like she said she would. If she’s serious about getting things straight, she’ll make room for you once her life steadies. If she fades again, that tells you everything you need to know, no confrontation required. Don’t assume the worst, but don’t invest deeper until her actions match her words.

[PassionSeeker]

What if this is actually the beginning of something real? She didn’t have to approach you at the store, but she did and she volunteered personal details that show she trusts you. That’s not something people do with someone they’re indifferent to. Maybe your first date was just unfortunate timing, tangled with stress and the shadow of her past marriage. Now that she’s actively working to free herself from those burdens, there might be room for a new start and that could include you. Sometimes timing is everything.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

okay but babe 😒 this isn’t some grand mystery, it’s just chaos. she’s drowning in her own drama, not plotting against you. people say half-truths when they’re barely keeping it together 💀. don’t spiral, don’t chase—let her fix her mess. if she really wants you in it, she’ll show up clean, no excuses 💅🏻.

[Flirt Coach]

I can feel your confusion in this one. It’s a tough spot, especially when you’re trying to figure out if what she’s saying is real or just convenient. I’ve been in a similar place before someone going through a breakup, saying all the right things, but their life was still tangled up in their past. You want to believe them, but you also don’t want to get played while they sort themselves out.

From what you described, she sounds like a woman under serious emotional pressure. Divorce, money problems, a house full of memories, a job she hates—man, that’s a heavy load for anyone to carry. If she’s having panic attacks, it’s not just drama, it’s exhaustion. She’s trying to get her footing again, and sometimes when people are that overwhelmed, they go quiet not because they’re lying, but because they’re drowning.

Now, could she be sugarcoating things to keep you on the hook? Sure, that’s possible too. When folks feel cornered or guilty for disappearing, they tend to over-explain or throw everything out there at once. Her spilling all those details might’ve been nerves talking more than manipulation.

Don’t label her a liar just yet, but don’t hand her your heart on a silver platter either. You can care about her, stay in touch, and see how she handles things consistently. If she follows through on calling you, makes time, and shows effort over the next few weeks, that’ll tell you a lot more than today’s words.

But if she drifts again, goes silent, or the story keeps changing then yeah, you’ve got your answer. Actions always outtalk feelings, my friend.

I learned the hard way that when someone’s still dealing with their past, you can’t love them into being ready. They’ve got to do the work on their own. So for now, keep your expectations steady, your eyes open, and your dignity intact. If she’s genuine, she’ll prove it.

[Marcus king]

It sounds like she’s juggling a lot right now, and her stress with the house, her job, and her ex is affecting how she interacts with you. Sharing all of that when you bumped into her could be her way of being honest, or it could be a way to ease tension in the moment since she didn’t expect to see you. Either way, it shows she trusts you enough to talk about what’s going on in her life.

It’s natural to feel suspicious, especially when her actions are inconsistent or when she’s clearly distracted by bigger life issues. Her saying she’ll call and explaining why she hasn’t been in touch could be genuine, or it could be her way of keeping things from feeling awkward. The truth is, you probably won’t know for sure until she’s had some space to work through her stress.

If you want clarity, it’s fair to be upfront with her about needing honest communication so you understand where you stand. You can care about her and be patient with her situation without losing sight of your own feelings and boundaries. At the same time, giving her a little space to get her life in order may help her approach the relationship more clearly.

Do you want me to suggest a gentle way to check in with her without making her feel pressured?

[Tara]

Stop orbiting her chaos. She’ll call if she wants to. Don’t call. Don’t wait. Don’t hope. You don’t hold a place in line for someone who already left the building.

[Author]

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