[littleitaly716]

I’ve been dating this woman I met on match.com for 3 and 1/2 months. I’m 32 she is 40. She has never been married and does not have kids. She was engaged last year but her fiance cheated. We started dating mid april 2011. When we started out we both thought we were just going to be friends but both agree it progressed very quickly to something more. She contacts me everyday via text or call, we spend 3-4 nights/wk together, I sleep at her house constantly. She has told her friends family and co-workers about me. In fact in 2 weeks, she has invited me to come up north to her family cottage and meet her family.
My dilema is she does not refer to me as her “boyfriend”. I cannot figure out why? It could be that she is hesitant to committ due her last relationship where herfiance cheated. About a month ago she told me she was not looking for anything serious, but then also said if I was to go out on a date with another woman, she would not feel good about that. So basically I’m getting mixed signals. I know for sure that when we 1st started out she did go on a few dates with other guys, but obviously I’m doing something right cuz I’m still in the picture and currently she is not dating anyone else. So basically when we are together things are great, to me it seems as if we have moved beyond just “dating” yet she is hesistant to admit it. If you judge her by how she treats me and how often she contacts me, you will be convinced we were in a relationship.

The other dilema is I noticed this week her match.com profile is still active. I deleted mine about 2 months ago. She told me she was going to delete hers but obviously she never did. I casually asked her about this and basically she says she uses it for “entertainment”. Now I’m starting to think she is keeping her options open basically incase someone better comes along. So despite how the fact that she is dating only me, and our relationship continues to grow I feel like it could end at any time….. any thoughts???

[Ask April Masini]

You’re right — she is keeping her options open. If you want her to be more serious, you have to win her over. 😉 If you’ve been giving it your best shot and you don’t think can win her over, then consider moving on.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[littleitaly716]

ok that makes sense, so you’re saying I haven’t won her over YET???? The question now is based on how she treats me do you think I potentially could win her over???? Because the signs are there that she does care about me and has feelings for me. She was engaged last yr, and the fiance cheated – don’t you think that has some impact on her view on serious relationships? Which could also explain in part why she is taking things VERY slowly? She did invite me to come to her family cottage – spend 5 days w/ her, and while I’m there I will be meeting most of her family. I’m going up to the cottage with her Aug 17-22nd. Women do not typically introduce men to their family unless they see potential for a relationship, would you agree?

She’s been seeing me more and more as time goes, we went from once a week to 2-3, now we are seeing each other about 4x/wk. We laugh, we do everyday things that any couple would do, sexual chemistry is very strong between us. How long should I wait before I confront her and basically say “what are we doing??” I’m thinking if this continues to 6 months and she still is not official with me, or still has her match.com profile active, I will have to basically call her out on it and tell her how this is making me feel.

[littleitaly716]

hmmm so do you think she is keeping her options open because she knows I am not the ONE? … OR is she keeping her options open because she is still getting to know me and needs more time to figure out if she wants anything to do with me long term??? Keep in mind she was engaged last yr, her fiance cheated on her…she was devastated. I find it hard to believe that experience is not affecting her mindset regarding a real relationship…it HAS to affect her and cause her to “keep her guard up” in some way to protect her from getting attached to anyone allowing herself to become vulnerable.

We only have been dating about 3 1/2 months…. that’s not very long at all… I think if we make it to the 6 month mark or beyond then it might be time to really sit down with her and say listen it’s time to be honest and tell me what’s going on???

Just last week she invited me to come up to her family cottage and spend 5 days w/ her, and while I’m there I’ll meet most of her family… most women WOULD NOT introduce a man to their family unless the think he has SOME potential for a real relationship…in my opinion. Despite the match.com profile still being active, I see the invite to meet her family as a big sign…am I wrong??????

[Ask April Masini]

Let me try to answer the questions you just asked:

[quote]hmmm so do you think she is keeping her options open because she knows I am not the ONE? … OR is she keeping her options open because she is still getting to know me and needs more time to figure out if she wants anything to do with me long term??? [/quote]

The answer is the latter. Three and a half months of dating is about the time when you figure out if you want to continue seeing this person more seriously. She’s balancing a former betrayal by a fiance with having her family meet you to check you out so she doesn’t make another big mistake. I know you think that the family vacation invitation indicates she’s serious, but you have to balance that with the fact that she did have a bad experience with a man she chose to marry (and didn’t).

You’ve chosen someone who has some baggage and she is going to carry that baggage with her and it will be part of any decision she makes. If you feel that this baggage creates an incompatibility for you, then let go and move on. If you’re up for the challenge of someone with a different history than the one you have, then keep going. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[littleitaly716]

well, the family invite makes me think things are PROGRESSING, it’s not quite serious yet. If she didn’t have feelings for me or did not think I had any potential to be in the picture long term, I really do not think she would be introducing me to any of her family, especially since they do not live around the corner (they are a 5hr drive away)

The fact that she has baggage doesn’t scare me. But it does affect me in the sense that I really think it’s affecting her and her outlook on a real relationship. I believe there is big part of her that does not want to allow herself to get attached to someone, let her walls down, and be vulnerable again. I’m looking forward to meeting her family because they will be able to tell I am a sincere genuine guy, which will hopefully justify what she already knows about me, but maybe is not 100% sure.

The fact that she is still actively using her match.com profile has me uneasy, I won’t lie. I want to be 100% up front and ask her about it soooo bad. But if I do I will come off as insecure and pressuring. The truth is I want to know why she is still actively using the site when:
she and I see each other constantly, spend several nights/wk together, she tells me she is not dating other people, nor is she looking too. She tells me things are going very well with her and I, the sexual chemistry is really good, she’s comfortable around me and starting to trust me more. The irony is I deleted my match.com profile 2-3 months ago… and if my profile was still ACTIVE now, she would totally accuse me of dating or looking to date other women!!!! yet it’s perfectly fine for her to still be actively on there??? double standard right? This is probably not the right time to ask her about this since we are going away next Wed to her family cottage for 5 day vacation where I will meet her family. I guess my question how long should I wait before asking her about this??? and what’s the best way to go about it without seeming insecure, needy and pressuring???? Thanks April

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think you like my answer! 😆 Let me try and flesh it out a little bit more for you.[i] She is figuring out whether or not she wants to be serious with you. [/i] You’re looking for a black and white answer and that is inappropriate at this stage in the game. It’s entirely fair for her to be uncertain. It’s entirely fair for her to be keeping her options open.

Don’t press her — your answer is right in front of you and you don’t like it. When she removes her profile from the dating site on which you met, then you’ll know that she isn’t keeping those doors open any more.

If you want to win someone over, read the book I wrote for men who want to win the dating game. It’s called Date out of Your League and it will help you a lot! Here’s the link where you can get it: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[littleitaly716]

its not that I dont like your answer, I was just confused about conflicting statements vs what she is actually doing. If you judge her by her actions with me, plus the fact that she tells me she is not dating anyone else or looking to date anyone else, you’d conclude that she would NOT be active on a dating site. I’m the one that made the mistake of deleting my online dating profile 2 months ago. I should have kept it active until I knew for sure she wanted to be serious. Like you said, dating is a numbers game, and that might be exactly what she is doing right now with me being #1 on her depth chart – FOR NOW lol. You say it’s fair for her to keep her options open…welllllllll when she told me a few months ago she didn’t want anything serious but at the same time didn’t want me dating other women … does that sound fair?????

No one is perfect and one of my flaws is I tend to overthink and overanalyze peoples actions or words, especially women. When I’m into a girl and want to be with her, I let her know with my words and my actions. Maybe that’s a mistake but it’s too late to correct that now. So my mindset with her profile still active on match.com is to not worry about it until there is something to worry about ( Ex.. her behavior changes, contacting me less, too busy to see me all of a sudden) and basically just be myself and go with the flow. I like your answers…I need female unbiased perspective!!!! : )

[Ask April Masini]

All is fair in love and war — and that’s the truth! Behavior is more important than language, and she’s being very clear that she’s hedging her bets. I know you don’t like it, and you’re trying to stay confused so you don’t have to realize your disappointment because she’s not as committed to you as you are to her, but that’s what you’ve got. 😉 It’s much better for you to be clear on the situation than to pretend confusion. 🙂

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😉

[littleitaly716]

you’re right I absolutely judge behavior more than actions. I was with her last night at her place and she told me there really is very few “quality” men in her area, and then she made a comment regarding online dating basically saying the men in her area are poor quality there also. lol

She’s hedging her bets? basically meaning keeping her options open? So basically do you think the only reason she is dating me now is because she hasn’t found anyone better YET, and as soon as she does..I’m history??? She text me at work today and said she wants both of us to start saving money now to go on a cruise together next yr…. well I guess when she finds someone better I’ll be doing something else with my money lol I know I know, the cruise topic is just TALK….

I am judging her actions, and she invited me to go to the family cottage and meet her family, so we leave Wed, and I will have to update you on how that goes! She’s on her way over now…taking her jetskiing 😉

[Ask April Masini]

You’re over thinking this whole thing and looking for insurance. When she takes her profile down it will be a sign that she’s more serious than she was when she kept it up. That’s it.

As for you, don’t lose sight of the prize. YOU need to figure out if she is someone you want to continue to pursue. If you’re too busy thinking about strategy and defensive moves, you’re going to lose sight of the goal: figuring out if this woman is someone you’re interested in in the long term.

I hope that helps!

[littleitaly716]

You are 100% right I do overthink things – it’s a flaw I am trying to improve upon. To be honest with you April, she has the qualities i’m looking for in a woman for a relationship. I could see myself falling for her….eventually. She’s down to earth, health conscious, very thoughtful, affectionate, intelligent, ambitious, we have great sexual chemistry … among many others. She does little things for me that I’m not used to …. few months ago I was on a strict diet for a bodybuilding contest and she would cook for me everytime I went to her house, and she would go so far as to make sure I was eating the right foods in the right amounts lol I didn’t ask her to do that… she just did it for me because she wanted to. She buys me little gifts and thoughtful surprises all the time. She’s very established in her career, independent, financially secure, she has ALOT to offer to the right man regarding a relationship. I get the sense that she is faithful, loyal and honest especially if she is in a relationship.

One little funny story for you…. I work part time as a waiter for xtra $$$$ 1-2 nights/wk so I brought her there for dinner one night. It’s a classy place, good wine good food. The next day one of the other waiters asked if that was my g/f? So I told her about that and she said how did you respond? I said I told him your application is still pending, but looking good. She laughed and said your application is on the UP and UP.

so yes I’m going to continue to see her and basically let this “relationship” play itself out, it has only been about 3 and 1/2 months of actual “dating”. Like you said she’s still trying to figure out if I have long term potential, my problem is I already know she has it… so it’s really up to her.

[Ask April Masini]

From the last exchange you wrote about, it sounds like things are going in a good direction. Let it play out and balance your dating strategy with an understanding that there are two of you in the relationship and you only have control of one! 😉

If you get a moment, would you please post a review of my advice for me? You have to go to this this site: [url]http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&cp=27&gs_id=2y&xhr=t&q=naples+relationship+experts&qe=bmFwbGVzLCByZWxhdGlvbnNoaXAgZXhwZXJ0&qesig=5ePSxsE58_ATGEuiBgQXBQ&pkc=AFgZ2tmr1hK_bEnl96XNDnJhv9fPLrTKomuzIeMJVjHRz9Sh9HZMoY9APtQAsdBc0TSgnT-Q2gdku4yZ5fY88T1qCyX7FqZCkg&gs_sm=&gs_upl=&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&biw=988&bih=536&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wl[/url] and then scroll to the second page of advisors and click on my link and leave a review. I appreciate it!! 😀

[littleitaly716]

Hi April,

just wanted to update you on my “relationship”. So I just got home yesterday from spending 5 days with her in her hometown. It went very well, especially the time we spent alone at her family cottage. She was VERY affectionate with me, more so than I’ve ever seen her. Lots of hugs, kisses you name it. We layed out in the sun, we took a sauna together, we watched the sunset at the lake, cooked meals together, she took out one of her cosmo magazines and we played a few “relationship” games where you roll dice and answer questions regarding your relationship. Questions like when did you know you were into me, what are 3 words to describe our relationship, (she chose thoughtful, intense and familiar) describe your perfect sunday with me etc…it was great she loved it….
Met most of her family and friends, and I feel it went well, even though in her mind, her opinion of me is the only one that matters. So basically even if they don’t like me, it’s irrelevant in her mind. At least that’s what she told me. One awkward moment over dinner did happen. When she introduced me to anyone, she said “this is Frank”. Didn’t say this is my friend, boyfriend..nothing like that. So over dinner with her family, her brothers girlfriend stands up to introduce me to someone and she says this is (blank)’s boyfriend. So even members of her own family that have never met me perceive me as her b/f LOL And later on, my girl says to me did you catch that? what she called you? I acted like I didn’t… and she says sounds like you have already sealed the deal……

One other thing I’m noticing with her, lately she is taking an interest in things she doesn’t like at all because she is realizing they mean alot to me. For example, she hates cats and I adopted a stray years ago… and everytime she comes over she is more and more friendly with the cat and trying to get him to “accept” her basically. He’s typically not friendly to people he doesn’t know.The other is she hates football but now she knows it’s my favorite sport. So the other days she says I want you to teach me about football and maybe even take her to a game. Only reason I mention this is because I know that when a woman has strong feelings for a man, she will act interested in things he likes even if they do not interest her at all… so this friday she is meeting my sisters and they are very excited about it and so is she….. if you have any feedback, I’d love to hear it.

[littleitaly716]

Adding on to my last post about our week together….

on the ride home I recall her saying a few months ago that she wasn’t sure if I was the “faithful” type. Keeping in mind that her fiance last yr cheated on her. So I asked her on the ride home, are you still unsure about me being faithful to you???

She says yea I don’t know and neither do you. You could cheat on me 5 months from now, you just don’t know. So basically to me this is the reason why she is so hesitant to claim us as a couple or call me her b/f. She is still unsure and does not trust me 100%, and I think until she does we are never going to be official. After she made that comment I reassured her for about 10min all the reasons why I’d be a complete moron to be unfaithful to her. I basically said not in so many words that she is an amazing catch, any man is lucky to have a woman like her and I’d be foolish to throw that away by being unfaithful. I ended it by saying, instead of sleeping with someone else, if anything, I’d be trying to sleep with you MORE OFTEN!!!! she loved that one!!! brought a HUGE smile to her face….

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