[Ask April Masini]

Sounds like things are going great! 😀

[littleitaly716]

thanks April, just wanted to clarify the whole seal the deal comment. When her brother’s sister introduced me as her boyfriend, my woman was actually shocked by this. I just found this out actually. So when she said to me it sounds like you have already sealed the deal, she was saying that to me in a joking manner saying according to “other people” I have “sealed the deal”. So again at this point I didn’t want you thinking she is referring to me as her b/f…

Basically she said we’ve only been dating for 4 months, and I said well people tend to like labels…what really matters is we are dating, we’re happy, we’re not seeing other people so for now that’s all that matters and she totally agreed. I still think the reason she is hesitant is because she doesn’t know for sure that I will be 100% faithful, and she knows I have not had many serious or long term relationships. This is a turn off for her for sure. She has had 4 serious long term relationships. Her rationale is well how do you know you won’t change? People in long term relationships change and then she made some reference saying that every 7 yrs people change. (whatever that means) So basically we are both enjoying what we have for now, and seeing how it plays out…. what do you think about all that?

[Ask April Masini]

I think it’s going well! 😀

[littleitaly716]

Hi April,

just wanted to update you again. Apparently last week I “sealed the deal” as she says. I asked her what that means and basically it means she is very into me and committed to me now. I asked her about the boyfriend label, she said she is really scared to put that label on us because she is afraid of getting hurt. I understand that considering her ex-fiance cheated on her. So she asked me what does “sealed the deal” mean to me…I said to me it basically means we are together, (as a couple) and she totally agreed. This TOTALLY reminds me of what you said at the very beginning…I have to WIN HER OVER. Looks like I finally did it, because we are serious and she even said dating other guys is out of the question now. For now I’m very happy and so is she, I think this is the beginning of what could be a very serious long term relationship….

[Ask April Masini]

GREAT! 😀 And thank you for the compliments.

[littleitaly716]

Hello April,

I emailed you last summer and you gave me great advice about a girl I was dating. I’m happy to say that we are going strong and very much in love. It’s been 11 months now since we started dating and we are taking our first trip together next week to an all inclusive resort in costa rica!

I’m 32 yrs old, and my g/f is now 41. Here’s my concern. Before she and I met, she was engaged but her fiance cheated on her. After that was over, she met a much younger guy (about 23-24yr old in a club) and they were basically friends /w benefits for several months then that ended. Then later, she and I met, we dated for 4 months and then she decided she wanted to be serious w/ me and it’s been great since. Now within the last month or so, this same younger guy has been texting her trying to see her. She has told him all about me and he knows that she and I are together. He will text and invite her out to a bar, out for coffee etc. Her stance on this is she will not hang out with any guys unless she runs it by me first and I’m ok w/ it. That’s what she says.

So last week he asked her to meet up for a coffee and look at open houses (he’s in real estate and she loves real estate). She said she would text him and make plans. Soooo she tells me about this and basically I say I’m not comfortable with it, I do not think it’s a good idea for either one of us to hang out with ex’s, people we’ve dated, or former fu*k buddies when clearly they are available and still interested. So she and I got into a mildly heated discussion – she says she is not interested in him at all, and sees nothing wrong with hanging out as friends with this guy. My take on it is, and I said this, I totally believe and trust her, my issue is with him. Because he is clearly still interested in her, (he’ll text and say he misses her etc) I said if you hang out with him once, it will have a snowball effect where he will want to hang out more often, and contact you more often, and basically without knowing it, she would be leading him on…in a sense. Bottom line, I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it, and she agreed to not meet up with him. Am I TOTALLY overreacting?????? He’s 24-25 yrs old, when I was 24-25 I was dating/sleeping with women in their 40’s as well, so as a guy I tend to question his true intention. What do you think???

[Ask April Masini]

I agree with you. 😉 He’s interested in more of the same — friends with benefits, and she thinks that they can be friends. Not happening. If she [i]really [/i]wants to see him, and really isn’t interested in him romantically, then she should invite you to come with.

[littleitaly716]

Great…so I’m not overreacting!!! Well the good news is she did tell me about all this, and she did say she’s not going to hang out with any guys unless she tells me about first and I’m ok with it. I do think it’s possible to have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship, but this scenario simply would not work in my opinion. I’m sure he will continue to text her from time to time, but at least I know she won’t be hanging out with him since I’m not ok with it : )

Thanks April!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome! 😀

[littleitaly716]

Hi April,

you gave great advice in the past so I wanted your opinion on something…

When two people are in a relationship and in love, do you think it’s ok for one of the individuals to keep in contact with ex’s or former “friends with benefits”??? Me personally, I would not keep in contact with former “friends with benefits” once I got into a serious relationship and knew it was going to last. To me that can create issues where one person may have doubts or trust issues in their spouse HOWEVER I also feel it’s silly to assume your spouse will no longer have friends of the opposite sex simply because they are now in love with you. I know every relationship is different and couples need to talk about and establish what is “acceptable” to them. So I’d love to hear your opinion on this because most peopleI talk to say there is no reason to keep in contact with a former “friend with benefits” once that ends and you become seriously involved with someone else…. what are your thoughts????

[Ask April Masini]

This is not an academic forum — it’s about real life relationships, so it isn’t going to serve you to ask me an academic question and get an academic answer.

It sounds like your girlfriend is keeping in touch with her exes and you don’t like it. What’s important here, is not my academic opinion, but on what kind of agreement the two of you reach to make you both feel like your relationship is the most important thing. If it is.

So, my questions to you are:

1) Is this the same woman you started dating last summer? And if so, are you engaged? Married? Living together? Dating with separate homes?

2) Is her keeping in touch with exes new behavior? Or has she always been like this in the year you’ve been dating?

3) What is the extent that she keeps in touch with these exes? Is it in person get togethers? Electronic communication only?

Let me know and I’ll advise you further. 😉

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[littleitaly716]

yes this relates to a real relationship. Yes I am still with the same woman I told you about last summer, we are not living together yet however she wants me to move in this summer, I am currently saving for the engagement ring, she is aware of this and so is her family as well as mine.

Her keeping in touch with ex’s is not new behavior. This situation really involves not so much an ex, but a former friend with benefits she had right before she met me. They communicate via texting, in the past he was trying to see her in person and she wanted to see him as well but when she asked me if I was ok with it I said no I was not – (I emailed you about this guy in the past and your response was that she is naive thinking they can be friends and he just wants to pick up where they left off) So now it’s basically him texting her about everyday things, she claims he doesn’t ask her to hang out anymore and that his intentions are no longer malicious. I guess my point is if there friendship was based on sex and intimate attraction, now that is over – so why bother keeping in contact at all??? For example, I’ve had many more “friends with benefits” than she has and I am no longer in contact with any of them. Am I just being jealous or insecure??? Or like you said it’s naive to think you can just be friends with someone who was a former f*uck buddy?

[Ask April Masini]

Whether or not you’re insecure or jealous is less important than the fact that you would like your girlfriend to cut off from her exes and she doesn’t want to do what you’d like her to. Whether or not this is right or wrong is less important than the two of you making an arrangement that works for both of you when you both have different views on a subject. You’ll find that this dynamic will pop up again and again in money, sex, family, work — and other areas where you have different views on how to make the relationship work. You’re not going to agree, but you can make adjustments for each other because you’re doing it for the other person — not because it’s right or wrong. She may hate your parents, but because you love them, she’ll be polite to them and have them over for the holidays. Or…. you may think she has a terrible job, but she loves it, and you decide to keep your opinions to yourself and ask her how her day is when she comes home, because the fact that she loves it is more important to you than being moral or right. Some people don’t agree on children — he wants six, and she’s over 40, so she isn’t sure if she can have any, so they agree to adopt two. The list of places where couples disagree goes on and on and on.

Therefore, you have to make a deal with her, and what the terms of the deal are are up to the two of you. For instance, you can decide to be okay with her seeing her ex as long as you’re there with her. Or she can decide not to see her ex, but in exchange, you do something for or with her, that’s been a sticking point for you. I hope you understand that what I’m saying is that being right or wrong is less important than making accommodations and deals for and with each other because there will be many things in life you don’t agree on — but will have to live with.

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[littleitaly716]

thanks for your reply April.. basically you’re saying that all couples are different and need to communicate what is acceptable and come to solutions to things they may or may agree on.

In this instance however, I have no real issues with her keeping in touch with ex’s. Personally I see no reason why she’d want to keep in touch with her ex-fiance considering he cheated on her.

When I refer to ex’s however I’m referring to guys she had real long term relationships with… in this particular scenario I’m talking about a guy nearly half her age who was strictly seeing her for one reason, and one reason only. They didn’t date or have a committed relationship, it was basically just sex. In your mind is a f*uck buddy and an ex the same thing? Because to me they’re not. They communicate via texting and it’s always him contacting her and then her responding, she never initiates. To me it almost seems like she likes the attention, likes the fact that he still contacts her. To this day she still tries to tell me they can be friends and hang out and nothing would happen at this point…but again that completely goes against what you told me when you said she’s being totally naive and all he wants to do is pick up where they left off.

From my personal experience, when I was seeing a woman strictly for the benefits (sex), and then she met someone else and started a relationship, I would back off completely because there was no point to it anymore, she didn’t need me nor want what I had to offer. I just struggle with this in my mind because to me this guy should have stopped contacting her by now and it seems like his texting frequency with her is increasing. I mention this to a few friends of mine and there first question to me is “why is she even still talking to this guy?” Wish I had the answer….

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]In this instance however, I have no real issues with her keeping in touch with ex’s.[/quote]

If you have no real issues with her keeping in touch with her exes, then you can move on!

She is not you and you are not her, and just because you have feelings about things doesn’t mean she will have those same feelings. You’re two separate people with two separate sets of ideas and feelings about life. If she has always been someone who’s kept in touch with her exes, as you’ve written, and you don’t have a problem with it, don’t dig for a problem that doesn’t exist.

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