[Shaw1986]

Here’s the thing. I’m twenty four, I live in Australia and I’ve never really asked a girl out. My last girlfriend passed away when I was sixteen and she was also my best friend. Her name was Jessica. We knew each other since we were five and we were basically attached to each other. Our parents were best friends too and there was never a day where we weren’t together. As I got older I fell in love with her and I was afraid to tell her because I was worried it would ruin our friendship. I eventually wrote a poem with all my feelings and got a friend to give it to her at morning tea at school. I didn’t want to be there while she read it because I was worried what she would say but to my surprise she came looking for me and that’s when we had our first kiss.

It was one of the happiest days of my life. We became even more inseparable from then on and every day was like a dream. I loved Jessica so much and I couldn’t believe she felt the same way as me. I wrote her poetry every day, sang songs to her and we’d perform songs on stage as a duo at our school. Jessica was an amazing singer while I did most of the backing and the writing when we did our own material. It might sound stupid because we were so young but I asked her to marry her when I was fourteen and she said yes.

I was madly in love with her and I would go out of my way to do things to impress her and make her laugh. Some of the things were crazy and I remember climbing the biggest tree in our school one day and when she came out of the toilet to find me she told me it was dangerous and to get down. I got stuck up there because I was too scared to get down and Jessica climbed up the tree herself and helped me down. She asked me why I did it and I told her I was trying to impress her and she said I didn’t have to impress her because she was already in love with me.

When I was at my Grandfather’s house one afternoon Jessica and I were playing catch outside and I accidentally threw the ball on his roof. I climbed up there to get it even though she was telling me not to because it wasn’t safe and she was right. I fell off the roof and nearly broke my left leg. Jessica was hysterical to say the least and I was more worried about her than I was myself. She came up to the Doctor’s with me and she wouldn’t let me out of her sight. I had to walk with crutches for a while and I had a few weeks off school and Jessica had them off with me because she wanted to look after me. When she would get the flu I would get the flu too just so I could take care of her.

Jessica was everything to me and she loved me with all her heart and soul. We had the kind of love most people say only exists in movies.I thought I had my whole life set out in front of me until one day when she and her Father got involved in a car accident.Jessica passed away and I blamed myself as did many of her friends because her father was driving her to my house. One of our closest friends (Carol) committed a month later and I dropped out of school and slipped into depression. I spent a year in my bedroom refusing to talk to my parents and I spent most of that time thinking about Jessica and crying. I tried to commit suicide but my father stopped me. Losing Jessica killed me I still feel a hole inside me to this day. I loved her more than anything in the world and to know that I could never talk to her again tore me apart.

I got a job working in a factory because I couldn’t stay at home all the time even though I wished I would die so I could see her again. I met some blokes there who were what many would describe as the ‘wrong crowd’ and I starting drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I took up smoking too because I wanted to die and I’m still hooked. I became an alcoholic and I was addicted to cocaine. I tried to kill myself again one night when my parents went out by drinking as many different things as I could and they came home to find me passed out on the ground. I gave up drinking and drugs and it was difficult to say the least but I wanted to do something with my life.

I was made redundant when the factory I was working went broke and I decided to go to TAFE to get the certificates I missed out on. I wanted to be a writer and a music journalist and for a while I could write poetry and songs again and I even sold some to artists and bands. Nobody particularly famous but it gave me money. During the second year I become depressed again and I would leave classes to snort cocaine in the toilet. I had some left over from before that I couldn’t throw away. My grades began decreasing and for a while I nearly fell off the horse (so to speak) and I tried to kill myself again but somehow I put myself back together.

I completed TAFE and got Certificates two, three and four and that’s when I met a woman named Rachel who became my best friend. I had a crush on her but she was a lesbian. I told her the way I felt and she said if she wasn’t a lesbian she would have went out with me because I was different than most guys. She then kissed me and said one day I was going to make a woman really happy. She passed away in another car accident six months ago and I believe I have slipped into depression again but I am trying to be strong this time. I’m not drinking or taking drugs and I am trying to keep on the right track. I’ve had writer’s block since then though and my writing skills have been detraining but I’m trying to get them back to become a music journalist. Music is the only thing that has never left me and it is the only thing that makes me happy these days.

Jessica’s death still haunts me and I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I want to move on. I’m twenty four and most of the guys I used to go to school with are married now. With the exception of Rachel I’ve never really asked out another woman because I didn’t think they would want to waste their time on me. I know I might never find another love like the one I had with Jessica but I just want somebody I can talk to and hold. You know, somebody I could bring a little happiness to and could give me back some in return. I think it’s the only way I’m going to cure my depression.

Should I try or am I too late? I’m twenty four and apart from a night I don’t even remember where I woke up next to a naked woman I’m still a virgin which is embarrassing to some people. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life alone because I couldn’t stand another ten years of the same thing over again. Do women even go out with guys like me? Am I Ugly?

[AskApril Masini]

You’re only 24 — of course there’s still a chance for you! 🙄 Lots of women want to date men your age! 😀

When you decide you’re ready to date, read the book I wrote for men, Date Out of Your League: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. You can purchase the book for $8.99 on this link, and it downloads automatically. The book will help you with EVERYTHING you need to get out of your rut and into the dating game. 😀

But, of course, you have to want to change your life. When you decide you’re ready, read the book and let me know how things go [i]after[/i] that! 🙂

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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