[beloski]

Hi, I have been dating a Chinese girl for a little over a year. I’m Canadian. We fell madly in love and had no problems for the first few weeks, but then I discovered there was another boy. She claimed that she wasn’t really dating him, he was just a “weirdo” who was obsessive after she had one night with him. A few months later I learned that they actually were seriously dating. She chose me and broke up with him. I put these lies behind me because I love her, but there were also other big ones to follow, like she cheated on her ex with several men and never told him. She also met up with him one time when she was out of town after they broke up. She wouldn’t answer her phone during this time period. She said he was hanging out at her parents home with her, but later I found this wasn’t true. So, she said she met him somewhere else. When I pressed her on where they met, she said actually she just met him for 5 minutes at the bus station. She then said she wasn’t answering her phone for a couple hours before she left because she was busy talking with her dad. When I pressed her on why she initially told me she was with her ex-boyfriend, she said its because she wanted me to see if I care. If I feel upset or jealous, I care. So, I worry she cheated at this time. There a couple other occasions with other guys I”m fishy about too. Anyhow, this has obviously affected my trust in her, especially considering the fact that she has never really accepted that she did anything wrong when she cheated on her ex. She blames him for being inadequate in bed. When I try to tell her about my feelings about trust, she gets very upset and turns it into me being the bad guy for not trusting her, so these conversations go nowhere. This brings us to the second problem.

The second big problem is that she often gets very upset. Sometimes its in response to me being upset over something as in the example about trust. Other times its over little things. For example, a few days ago I was taking a nap and she woke me up to help her friend translate stuff on the internet. I helped, it took about an hour, then I suddenly found it was nearly 4:00, when I had planned to play hockey. I told her I couldn’t accompany her to her appointment, she could just meet me at the hockey game. Its only a 1 minute walk between the 2 buildings anyways. She started blaming me for not having enough time for me to accompany her, getting quite upset. I said she knew I planned on going to the game, the appointment is her responsibility. From that, she was very upset at me for the next 36 hours or so, saying I am selfish and I don’t care about her feelings, crying, she even hit her head repeatedly on a metal railing very hard. I contended she was putting things way out of proportion and that I do care about her feelings as I spend almost all my time with her, helping her whenever I can, doing activities with her that she is interested in, etc. Whatever I can do basically. The worst thing was that the day after the fight started was our 1 year anniversary and it was just hell for me as she sulked and got angry at me all day long. Anyhow, these outbursts she often has are killing my feelings for her. I am seeing her more and more as self-centered and overbearing. I feel like I can’t have my own life. She used to threaten to go flirt with other boys if I leave her alone to do something with my friends, so I stopped. I don’t know why I accepted that because I never put up with anything close to that with any other girl, but I did.

Finally, on a humorous note, she is visiting her father right now and he is insisting I “lend” him 1 million dollars if I am to ever have a future with his daughter. He is convinced all Canadians can easily come by this kind of money. He is dead serious, no joke. Even if I can get her dad to change his mind on this, I think I will at least need to buy a house and give the ownership to her if we are to ever get married. I’m not willing to do that. I’m starting to feel like our relationship has no future. She says she will choose me over her dad if it comes to that, but that’s not really a good thing either. What do you think? Things were great before, but it has gradually slipped away and now I’ve been hit with the double whammy of this anniversary letdown and these demands from her father. HELP ME!!! I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. Are we doomed or can we work this out?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not complicated. You’re hoping she’s someone different. She’s not. You just have to accept the fact that:

1. She cheats. You’re going to have trust problems with anyone who cheats.

2. She flares up and is overbearing. This is who she is. It’s her choice to change this behavior. She isn’t. You get to ignore it or let it bother you. For you, it bothers you a lot.

3. Her father is demanding a $1 million dollar “loan” in order to give his permission for you to marry her.

My advice is that you start to understand that people love lots of things in life — ex-girlfriends, teachers, pets, parents — but that doesn’t mean that they want to live with them or marry them. In other words, you can have feelings of love for her, but you can also recognize that you’re not compatible with her. I get a lot or queries on this forum from people who think that their love is more important than violence, abuse and bad behavior like cheating, and because they love someone, they’ll put up with almost anything. It doesn’t work. She’s not your child for whom you’ll have unconditional love. She’s someone you’re dating who isn’t your Ms. Right and you’re disappointed.

Time to move on.

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[beloski]

Thanks for your reply! I just have a couple follow ups. About the cheating, what if she never cheated on me and never will? Maybe she made mistakes before but won’t do it to me. Maybe I’m being too paranoid. About the blowing up easily, after our last fight she talked to her best friend who told her she shouldn’t get so upset over little things all the time and just expect me to hover around her and do my best to make her feel better while she sulks for a day or two. She said she won’t do this anymore. About the money thing, maybe her dad will drop this over-the-top demand.

I love her, I don’t want to leave her and I feel like I’m in this too deep already. She will be destroyed if I leave her. When we had big fights near breaking up before she was very self-destructive. Or maybe it was a ploy for me to show I care. Anyhow, at this point I feel like it’s also my fault for moving too fast. I just always go with my feelings and go totally for the relationship before I really get to know the person enough. But maybe it could work anyways? I just don’t want to leave, hurt her, hurt myself, and possibly lose the love of my life because of some doubts I have that could be worked out. We’ve been together a year, I proposed to her in Thailand 3 months ago, we’ve both signed contract to work together at the same company next September, we’re pretty committed basically. This wouldn’t be an easy break up by any means. She said before if I ever stopped loving her she would want me to pretend and lie to her. That’s not where I’m at, but maybe I should just keep trying to work through it. I don’t want to give up just before we reach our goal of being totally happy you know? Most of the time we are happy, but the bad times are just so powerful, and despite our efforts, neither of us really feels secure in this relationship. THANKS 🙂 You’re awesome!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re trying to convince yourself she’s someone she’s not. 😳 And you’re trying to enlist me to help you! 😕 I really do stand by my advice to you.

Good luck!

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