[kayloni]

So I have a problem with jealousy. I have asked for advice from my friends and family, and his friends. I get the same answer every time. “You have to trust him to get over jealousy.” At this point I am willing to admit that this piece of advice is true. Here’s my problem:

Yes, I could trust my boyfriend a little more. The problem with that is that we are still a bit new (about 4 months only), but I am head over heals for him. I think that with time, I will trust him the way I want to. The thing that I am most worried about is the feeling i get toward other females. I honestly don’t think that is is cheating on me, nor do I think that he will in the future. I just know that my boyfriend is a nice person, and when I think about another female mistaking his niceness for more than just that, I get extremely jealous. I don’t like the idea of another female even THINKING that she could have a chance with him or that he wants her in any way. I know that if he realized that a female were thinking that, he would back off immediately, but I know him to think that females are “just being nice”.

On a side note, I think that it is critical that you know that I have no reason not to trust him. He has been nothing but good to me. From the day we first hung out we have literally been inseparable, other than when we were forced to be (we are in college, so examples of this are classes, school trips, etc.). Right now we are being forced apart because he is doing an internship 13 hours away. He has already bought my plane tickets and I will be going visit for a week this month. This separation is killing us, but we are making it through. I’m not scared of the separation coming between us, I’m scared of myself coming between us.

I’ve had plenty of people tell me that there will always be girls who will try to flirt with him or try to get with him, but as long as I know that he will not push it any further, I should just not let it bother me. I just don’t know how to not let it bother me.

[tricia]

For me,jealousy is normal especially if we love the person so much. Jealousy simply means that we are afraid to lose certain person and our love for them was so true. I don’t see anything with this one, besides I find it as SWEET. What’s wrong is obsession which is a way different from jealousy.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you have some history with jealousy that is interfering with this relationship. Since your new boyfriend has given you no reason to feel that he is dishonest or disloyal, the fear of losing him to another woman is in your head.

Every time you get this feeling of jealousy, slow down and don’t react. The mistake you may make is acting out on something that’s not really happening in real life –just in your head. Examine the real life situation at hand and break it down to figure out what is really happening to make you feel anxious. You’ll have to be very patient with yourself in order to do this right because it’s going to take some time.

This isn’t something you need to share with your boyfriend — work on this privately. You can talk it through here or with a girlfriend, but don’t let your personal issues become a relationship issue.

[Ethan Morales]

April’s right that jealousy lives mostly in your head, but that doesn’t make it less real or less painful. You’re not broken for feeling this; you just have insecure wiring that gets loud when the person you care about isn’t physically present. That’s fixable, but it takes deliberate work not platitudes.

Here’s what I’d tell you, straight up: don’t dump all of this on him as a problem he has to solve. You said he’s done nothing to deserve distrust so the job is yours. Start by catching the moment the jealous thought shows up. Pause. Ask yourself: “What evidence do I have right now that he’s interested in someone else?” If the answer is “none,” label the feeling as anxiety (not truth) and don’t act on it.

Practical things that help: 1) Create short coping scripts one or two lines you say to yourself in the moment (“He’s with me I know this is my fear, not reality”). 2) Replace rumination with a 10-minute task (walk, text a friend, make coffee) so the feeling loses momentum. 3) Keep a “trust log”: write down times he showed up, kept plans, protected your feelings. Re-reading that list rebuilds evidence in your brain that he’s reliable.

You should also talk to him but not to accuse. Frame it as, “I’m working on something and I might need little reassurances sometimes.” Ask for small, specific things that help you, like a quick good-morning text on hard days or a check-in when travel schedules change. Make it a partnership, not a complaint. If he’s worth this, he’ll do what’s reasonable; if he resists, that’s data too.

Last if jealousy is bleeding into control behaviors (checking his phone, demanding constant updates, lashing out), stop now. Those behaviors are toxic and will create the very distance you fear. If you find you can’t control the impulses by yourself after trying the above, get professional help. Therapy is practical training for emotional muscles and this is exactly the sort of thing it helps with.

[Tara]

You’re four months in, you’re already “inseparable,” and now you’re losing your mind at the thought of another woman simply thinking he’s attractive. That’s not love. That’s fear dressed up as devotion. You’re so obsessed with keeping your grip on him that you’re inventing threats where there are none. And the pathetic part?

He’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s done the opposite; he treats you well, commits, buys plane tickets, and is literally doing nothing shady. You’re the only unstable element here.

You’re not scared he’ll cheat. You’re scared someone else will want him. And guess what? They will. That’s how the world works. Attractive, decent men get attention. You don’t eliminate jealousy by trying to prevent that. You eliminate it by being secure enough not to crumble when it happens.

Right now, you’re acting like every other woman is a threat and every interaction he has is a crisis waiting to happen. That doesn’t make you protective; it makes you exhausting. And if you keep clinging to this tightly, you will be the one who pushes him away. Not “other girls.” Not distance. Not flirting. You.

[Sally]

Jealousy can feel like it’s coming out of nowhere, but it usually comes from caring a little too much and not knowing where to put all that fear. You’re not jealous because he’s doing anything wrong you’re jealous because he matters to you, and you don’t want anyone else taking your place in his world. That’s human.

But you’re right the part that might hurt the relationship isn’t him, it’s the way these thoughts make you react. You can’t control who flirts with him. You can only control the story you tell yourself when it happens.

When you feel that panic, remind yourself: he chose you. He’s proving it every day.

Jealousy doesn’t disappear overnight. It just gets quieter when you stop treating every girl as a threat and start trusting the connection you already have.
You don’t have to be perfect just honest with yourself.

[Serena Vale]

It sounds like your jealousy isn’t about him, it’s about your fear of losing him. And since he hasn’t given you any reason to doubt him, the worry is coming from inside you, not his actions.

When you feel jealous, pause and ask yourself if anything real is happening or if it’s just fear. Don’t react right away.

You don’t need to tell him all this, just work on calming the thoughts and trusting what he’s already shown you. With time, the trust will grow.

[Member]

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