[Anonymous]

Hi april,

there’s this problem between my boyfriend and i. the thing is i always get upset whenever my boyfriend starts talking about his female friends. most of his female friends are smart and capable and he told me he admires all of them and is proud of having them as his friends. When he starts telling me about a female friend, he’ll go on and on about it, telling me how brilliant she is or how nice she is. I’ve told him that i’m especially sensitive towards such issues, i’m not saying that he can’t tell me about them but he should be more sensitive towards my feelings. I told him that each time he sings praises about these girls, it’ll make me feel like i’m inferior as compared to them. If he thinks so highly about them, then why is he in a relationship with me? Well, he said that it’s because i’m more special than all of them and he loves me but that doesn’t seem to convince me. I tried telling myself that i shouldn’t take things so seriously and that he loves me so i should not feel so affected and emotional when he talks about these girls but it always gets to me without fail. I work hard to be an all-rounder so i can show him that his girlfriend can just do as well as his friends but he said there’s no need to do that because he loves me. SIGH.

Because i have so much work to do, i’m always very much bogged down by them and at the end of the day i’ll feel really tired and i hope by sharing with him about how i feel, things will get better and everytime i let him in on my emotions and feelings, i’ll hope that he’ll be loving towards me and give me a hug or tell me he understands how i feel but things will get better soon. But instead, he’ll provide me with solutions on how to feel better. He will tell me that i should join more activities to get the adrenaline pumping so i won’t feel that tired. He doesn’t understand what i need and when i try to tell him that i wasn’t looking for solutions but rather affections and understanding from him, he got defensive because i’m telling him what to do. He mentioned that this wasn’t the first time i’m telling him that i feel tired and stressed up, so he feels the need to help me solve the problem. How do i get him to understand?

[AskApril Masini]

Since it sounds like you’ve tried telling him how you feel, but he doesn’t get it, you have to throw subtlety to the wind and see if that works. (It would help for me to know how long you’ve been dating, but I’m going to assume it’s relatively long term.)

Say to him: “Tell me I’m better than all your female friends!” And when he does, reward him with some affection. Then say to him, “Now, tell me how much sexier I am than any other female you know.” And let it be playful — but give him the words to say. He won’t forget them. I promise. When he hears exactly what you want him to say, and doesn’t feel like you’re criticizing him, he may react more positively.

You can also say, “Okay, your turn. What do you want me to say?” And listen to what he wants. You may be surprised!

Let me know if this helps.

[Anonymous]

Hi April..

thanks for your help! Things are working out fine between my boyfriend and I. Your suggestion worked out well! We just continued to engage in a playful banter and now we are back to the loving stage that we used to be..Thank you so much for the advices! =)

[AskApril Masini]

I’m so glad to hear that I helped and that your relationship is back on track!

Great news, and good luck! 🙂

[Member]

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