[marie6868]

The reason why I’m here is because not only am I unsure of his feelings, but of my own – and if/how it should be taken to the next level – any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I’ve been friends with this guy for 7 years (I’m currently a 30 yr old female and he is 2 years older than me). We work together in a professional office (in different departments, but on an equal level – so not a boss/employee – but we work together ALOT). Before he started there, he was engaged, but was cheated on and they ended it. In the past 7 years, we have become very close and are “work husband/wife.” We have cute nicknames for each other, inside jokes, and know alot about each other’s personal lives. I am a very outgoing and sexual person and he is very shy (so he says), but I’ve NEVER seen that side of him – he always makes me laugh, sends me texts/emails, will call/text me randomly to say he heard/saw something that he thought I would like or make me laugh, and often times, we’ve both come into work and would say things like “Last night I thought of you when….” He notices when I have a new outfit, change my hair, do my makeup differently, use a different shampoo, have a allergy to something…We do hug and playful hit/punch each other, and every morning a get a good morning “kick.” Whenever he’s bored, he’ll come by my desk just to talk, and I’ll hang out by him. He is a typical “nice guy.” He is my best friend at work and I can tell him ANYTHING and vice versa – we know things about each other that seem a little weird on the outside to others (like the fact that we have to please ourselves sexually at the moment, how many sexual partners we’ve had, what we like about the opposite sex/in relationships, past experiences as children, embarassing moments…ect). In fact, I’m pretty clumsy and he’s seen that side of me often. When he bought a house, he would ask me my opinion on things, such as paint colors, tile, artwork and he went with everything that I said. He is an artist (and I know nothing about art), but yet, he picked paintings out that I told him I liked.

In the 7 year time frame, I’ve been in 2 serious relationships. The 2nd one, I was in love with and we were engaged and trying for a baby. This man ended up incarcerated for life – and I’ve been sticking by him, because I’m in love with him. My work husband knows all of this. However, he’s telling me that I should move on and be happy. It’s been 3 yrs of being without any relationship other than with my heart and the man in jail. Some of our other co-workers have mentioned over this 7 year friendship that they thought we were together for real. Throughout this 7 year time-frame, he has been dating, but he would go on a few dates and then nothing would come of it (he’s not a player, so he actually dates and doesn’t sleep with people until they’re committed).

Our “friendship” is seriously flirty and always has been (from day one) – even though I know neither one of us felt that way about each other. Our personalities are great together and I love spending time with him. We have some common interests, but we have differences too. However, physically, I know that we are not each other’s “type.” The past few months, I’ve been feeling differently towards him. I’ve noticed subtle changes in him too (but I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it because I’m feeling different too – it’s the “chicken vs. the egg” situation). I can’t pinpoint when my feelings started to change, but I noticed he started wearing cologne, acting a little more aggressive with me (like going out of his way to playfully push me or touch me more often), waiting for me to ride the elevator with him, telling me about times when he was more vulnerable when he was a child…as some examples).

The past weekend, I was invited to hang out at his house with another couple that was mutual friend’s of ours and had moved out of state and were in town for a week. We knew we’d be drinking and he lives about 45 min from me, so 2 weeks before this day happened, he mentioned that I would be able to spend the night (but reiterated that this other couple would not be) So it was just the 4 of us and I felt like I was his girlfriend, helping him cook and be a good host…The other couple left and it was just us. He told me that I needed to stay because I shouldn’t drive and that I could sleep in his bed (he would take the couch). I joked and said that I didn’t want to take his bed, but we could “share” it but using a wall of pillows between us. He laughed and declined the offer politely. The next morning, he made no effort to kick me out and turned on a movie that he’d been trying to get me to watch for the past year. I said that I will leave as soon as the movie was over, and he said he had things to do – but really wanted me to stay and hang out for the day because it would give him the excuse not to have to do his errands. So we hung out all day, he made me lunch, we joked around…it was really fun and not awkward at all. He proceeded to tell me about how I’m his first “overnight” guest and that he’d be having more parties when the weather is nicer, including making plans for the 2 of us with this other couple.

Then I go back to see him at work today – I thought it would be a little awkward (afterall, I was in PJs in his bed a few nights before), but nothing sexual (not even a kiss or talk of a kiss happened). It seemed awkward for the first 5 minutes, but then it was fine….throughout the day, we hung out and talked as normal. He made me laugh alot and we talked about the weekend. He showed me a movie trailer he wanted to see (he always did that before though), but this time, tried to convince me that I should see it too. I was telling him a story about this amazing t-shirt that I loved that my late brother used to have, and he said that “now he has to buy it!” There is another girl in our building that he liked 3 years ago (she works for a different company, but we both talk to her) and when he liked her, I was all for him asking her out – and now she’s really weird towards him still – 3 years after the fact…so he brought her up today and said that he just doesn’t understand females and that he’s a nice guy (a rare breed), but he’s never lucky in love and just wants to find “the one.” He has many close female friends and I know this – but I’m not sure if they have as in depth conversations as us.

Sorry for the long background – but I’m so confused!!! I knew I was/am in love with my fiance that’s incarcerated, but I know that I need to move on at some point. Is this real between us? Am I reading too much into this? Even writing this, it seems like all the signs point to he is interested in me, but I have doubts that he may just see me as his friend. I know that he likes females with a different physical appearance (but so do I with males, but I’m feeling different now – and his appearance is cute – even though it’s not my usual type). I’m looking for a new job and once that happens, I be more courageous to make a move – as in working together may be awkward, especially if he doesn’t feel that way about me. However, I would kick myself and we mutually were interested in each other and neither one of us made a move. I can’t talk to anyone at work about this (as he’s the only one I trust 100% with my secrets) and my out of work friends don’t know him that well – and the mutual couple (I’m nervous to put them in the middle and don’t want it to be awkward). Body language, our conversations and such seems to all point to a go – but part of me still feels like I’d be reading the signs wrong. I had a conversation with one of my friends since I was 5 and he said that he said he knew I was in love with this kid for the past few years – it just took me long enough to realize it….I honestly didn’t start having “more than friends” feelings until this year – I can’t even pinpoint exactly when. Which leads me to my other question…what is this that I’m feeling? Is he just a replacement, a crush, a lust or someone I really am in love with? What’s crazy is that I could see myself marrying him, having a family with him (not sure if I can imagine being sexual with him – but definitely romantic – which is so out of character for me).

I know that I have to figure out my feelings before anything, but it was so much easier to not have these feelings…fyi – my work wouldn’t fire us if we were dating though – as many people thought we already were. So what do I do? How do I figure out where his head’s at (without making it obvious)? How do I figure out where my head’s at? How do I take this to the next level – or suppress what I’m feeling if I shouldn’t take this to the next level? Any help would greatly be appreciated!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have two problems. First of all, you’re in love with a man who’s been sentenced to life in prison. 😯 I can only imagine what he did to get that kind of a sentence, but I’m quite sure it wasn’t unpaid parking tickets. 😕 You have no future with this person, and if he does get out of jail for good behavior, or overcrowding in the prison system — is this REALLY someone you want to have children with? 😯 Decide that you deserve more in life and break up with this guy and actually BE single. Being single is going to actually give this other guy in your office the idea that you’re available! In fact, whether it’s this guy — or some other guy — your dating options open up if you stop committing yourself to a convicted felon who’s living out his life in jail.

Second of all, you have to take yourself out of the friend zone. You’re drowning in it. I’ve seen so many men and women get stuck in the friend zone, and unless you actively stop being his friend and start flirting with him and letting him know you’re only interested in him as his girlfriend or his date — you’re going to stay in this holding pattern. 😳 So dump the boyfriend in jail, and take yourself out of the friend zone. If you don’t, you’ll regret it.

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