[kaivethmouse]

Here is some background. I have a 16 month old son & am on…somewhat decent terms with his dad. I’ve been over his dad since we broke up, because our relationship was very unhealthy & I didn’t care for him romantically for some time. We broke up about 4 months ago.

I’ve recently (in the past few weeks) started seeing a guy that I’ve really hit it off with. We are taking things slow and have been on four dates with plans for more. I am really new to this dating thing because I have only been in two relationships before and they were both ones I have jumped into. I also don’t know how to handle dating with a child. I fear that my ex will become spiteful because that’s how he is – we have custody sorted out but he doesn’t like that I am not wrapped up in him even though he is the one who ended the relationship.

So –

How should I proceed with this guy? At what point would it be appropriate to make a commitment?

How should I handle my ex?

[Ask April Masini]

You have some good insight on yourself — knowing that in the past you jumped into relationships too quickly, is valuable information. Now, you have to USE that information and not do it again… really know what YOU want in a relationship and what you can and cannot offer. That’s easier said than done, and often, it’s a process. But the more you know yourself and what you want, the more successful you will be in getting it. 😉

Dating as a single parent IS different and more difficult than dating without kids and you asked good questions. Your ex will probably not like you dating, and will see any boyfriend or future husband of yours as competition and a threat. Fact. So keep your dating on the down low. It’s none of your ex’s business, and keep your child out of it, too — as long as there is no commitment between you and the new guy. I know that’s difficult, but it will make your love life easier.

Practice boundaries with your ex. It’s great that you have custody sorted out. Make sure the agreement is legal. Get your child support sorted out, legally, too. However, even when you do that, these two agreements are always subject to change, and that’s just the nature of the kind of family you have. But getting your ducks in a row is a good way to fend off problems in the future.

As for your question about when it’s appropriate to make a commitment, my rule of thumb is that you take three months of dating to decide if this is someone you want to continue to date, and at the six month mark, you decide if you want to be monogamous with him — and these rules apply to him, too. But don’t waste time with someone who is not compatible or appropriate, and the best way to do know if they are is to not just put in time dating, but to really get to know them, yourself, and figure this out during the dating process — which is for having fun, but also deciding if this is Mr. Right or not. 😉

Hope that helps!

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[jennaMax]

I suggest you keep the new guy you’re dating out of the picture since your ex is spiteful. Don’t mention him to your ex and dont boast about it. Dating with a kid should not be an issue but make sure you tell the guy upfront what he’s in for…

[Ask April Masini]

Good insight! 😀

[kaivethmouse]

Thank you so much for the reply.

I haven’t mentioned the new guy to my ex yet & don’t plan on it until we are serious. Pics aren’t going on facebook and the new guy knows I am worried how the ex will take things. He knows I have been going out on dates, but doesn’t know that I have been going out repetitively with the same guy – we are up to six outings now, with plans for a seventh.

I really hope I am overestimating the spitefulness of my ex, but he’s not over me even though he is the one that broke things off.
I know there is nothing I can do to get him to move on faster, but it’d be nice.

He wants me to meet & hang out with his friends & him soon. He’s met one of my friends (he went running with us) but he has like, this group of Navy guys he hangs out with. Idk, hanging out with a big group of people & only knowing one of them is a little overwhelming? I think is the right word. How do I handle this? I told him I’d feel overwhelmed, but he really wants to show me off to them. I suppose I should take this as a good thing! My last relationship (the ex) didn’t like me being around his friends because of silly reasons, so maybe its that I don’t know how to act around a guy’s friends when I am dating him.

Sigh.

I want to do this right.

[Ask April Masini]

When a guy is serious about you, he wants to show you off to his friends and family. This is a good sign for your relationship, and you shouldn’t deny your guy this opportunity even though you’re worried about being overwhelmed. It’s also a great way to get to know more about him and continue to decide if he’s someone you want to date and get more serious with. There’s very little downside (your being overwhelmed), and a lot of upside to your going. 😉

As for your ex, it’s good to be realistic, and you’re doing everything right, but there will be a day when he will find out you’re serious with someone else, and you’ll have to take one day at a time at that point.

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[kaivethmouse]

April,

Thank you so much for your advice. I’m going to go for it & maybe do bowling with them all at some point. It is very nervewracking, but I am excited he wants me to meet them.

He is in the navy & might be going away to school for a month soon – is there hope that we can continue dating through that since we just started? I think I’d be able to handle it but its really daunting.

[Ask April Masini]

If he’s only going away to school for a month, there’s no reason why you can’t hold out while he’s gone. 😉

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[kaivethmouse]

Thank you again!

I just feel like I am so new to this. I will let you know how things develop & how the meet-the-friends goes!

[Ask April Masini]

Great! 😀

[kaivethmouse]

April, I cannot get my ex to leave me alone. He’s been having hard times with life and texts me constantly about his problems. This is my child’s father so I have to have contact with him. I just don’t have the patience or emotional energy to listen to his angst when in my opinion, all his money/legal problems are his fault. He was physically/emotionally abusive towards me and yes, I did file charges so he is on probation. I just need to get him to understand that I don’t want to be his friend, and all we have to do is parent our son together.

[Ask April Masini]

Practice boundaries. Don’t return his calls unless they have to do with co-parenting. Ignore e-mails and texts unless they have to do with your child. You don’t have to react or respond to him unless his communication is about your child. If he starts talking about something that is “off topic”, change the subject or remember an appointment across town you have to get to right away! He’ll keep coming back to you if he gets a reaction — but if he doesn’t, eventually, he’ll find someone else to talk to who is responsive. It will take discipline on your part, but you can do it. 🙂

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[kaivethmouse]

I need to make friends with women so I can bother them for advice.
Too bad the two I have are completely awful when it comes to stuff like this.

The ex found out about the new guy. He’d been hearing rumours and someone saw me out and about, so he asked straight up. I make honesty a policy. He’s all torn up that I’ve “moved on so quick” when he was the one to break up with me. I have been ignoring his texts like you suggested, and only talking to him when our child is concerned, but it seems like since he found out about the new guy he’s texting me constantly about the toddler. It’s getting to the point where 2 hours don’t go by without him asking for a pic, asking what “little man and you” are up to, “is the son behaving? His ‘new’ daddy won’t like him if he’s mean”, stuff like that. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me. His interest level in my life & our son has skyrocketed and all the questions are soooo obnoxious.

The new guy has met my parents and I’ve been hanging out with him & his friends (it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!! They’re all real cool). He /has/ met my son, but not in any serious capacity, simply the toddler went to dinner with my parents, him, and I. So, I’m like: new daddy? Wtf? No. I don’t know how to get the ex to stop acting like he’s getting pushed out of the picture and trying to check up on /me/ when I am not doing anything wrong.

Speaking of the new guy.
The other day he texted me: “I think I am in lesbians with you.” And “I really want to say it but those words might ruin things.” if you’ve seen Scott Pilgrim, Scott tells Ramona “I’m in lesbians with you,” as an alternative to saying “I am in love with you.” I’m kinda freaking out. I mean, I spent time with him since, and he hasn’t repeated himself. I have some pretty strong emotions for him too but I am trying to not say anything like that too soon. I mean, I know that our ‘relationship’ is too new for most people (we’ve talked for almost 2 months, went on the first date about a month and a half ago). We go on 2-3 dates a week, have had sex, and I spent the night last night since I had a sitter. I feel really strongly for him, and I can tell he feels similar. What do I do to keep things at a status quo until I am more ready to say those words?

And the last thing. He asked me to a military ball that’s in 3 weeks. I said yes, have a sitter, and need to find a dress. I have a limited budget and no idea what sort of dress that should be worn to these events? Cocktails? Formals? Prom-type?

[Ask April Masini]

Okay, first of all, you have to continue practicing boundaries with your ex. Clearly, he’s jealous, and he’s contacting you a lot about your child together because he’s figured out that that’s the one thing you’ll discuss with him. Continue practicing boundaries — even in this arena. If he has a scheduling issue or a health and safety issue, respond. If it’s an emergency, respond right away. If it’s not, wait a day or two before responding. If he just wants a photo of the two of you, wait three or four days or more before responding. You’re re-establishing your relationship with your ex as co-parents in a divorce, and this requires discipline, strategy and patience. Keep at it! You’re doing great. 😀

As for the L word…. if you’re not ready, then absolutely don’t say it. If he starts edging towards it by using it or some other cute words that are like the L word, then just smile and practice silence. That’s the way you slow things down.

As for the military ball, find out if it’s black tie or semi-formal. Black tie requires a long dress. Semi-formal requires a dress that’s either to the knee or shorter, but is still elegant enough to wear to a cocktail party. Anything shimmery or sparkly is great! Fabulous heels will dress up either length dress, and sexy lingerie underneath will give you that edge of confidence for the evening. 😎

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[kaivethmouse]

Is there a “too soon” for the L-word? And if there is, is it a red flag to “fall too fast” or does it just depend on the person? These kinds of things I’ve always wondered but there doesn’t seem to be a real answer for them.

Okay 🙂 I am pretty sure it’s black tie, as the men are required to wear their super fancy uniforms. Excited to have the chance to dress up! I’ve never actually been to a formal with a date that I truly had feelings for and so this is new for me. I usually went with friends and in one case, an emotionally abusive b/f that I feared more than adored. Are there any like, social faux pas for these sort of fancy events?

Thank you so much for the advice on the ex. My social circle is biased either one way or the other, so little help.

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