[LonelyGirl]

Hi April,

About a month ago, I told you about my issues forgetting my ex that dumped me after he found me talking to my [ex-]ex while I was drinking, making drunken declarations. He was visiting my weblog and reading my twitter.

You told me to get help with my addiction to drinking (even though I told you I was sober), to forget about him, because he was probably just reminiscing about our past. We still haven’t had any contact in over 6+ months really, other than what I had told you before.

It’s been officially two months since I have had a tracker installed on the site, and it linked from my twitter. (When he began visiting- but now it’s clear he had been reading my twitter)… He visits my site almost every day. If he misses a day, he will visit more times the next day.

Do you still think he is just being reminiscent? If so, don’t you think he is a little obsessed?

[Ask April Masini]

Hi Lonely Girl:

I’ve re-posted your original post. I know you don’t think you have an alcohol problem, as I’d suggested last month, but if you re-read your post, I think you’ll possibly see that at least when you were with your ex-boyfriend, you were definitely drinking too much, and it appeared that the alcohol consumption was affecting your behavior. So I stand by my advice to get help with that problem.

However, in response to your current questions, asking if I think your ex-boyfriend is just being reminiscent or being obsessed, I’m not sure why you’re asking those questions. Why do you care?

In your post below, from a month ago, you talk about your “psycho-stalker cycle you [b]both[/b] have going on” and I think it’s still happening. He’s checking your websites, and you’re checking his traffic on your websites. While you can’t control his behavior, you can control your own.

I’d advise you to stop spending energy wondering if he’s reminiscing, obsessing or eating chocolate cake for dinner! 😉 Focus on yourself, not him. He’s your ex, and while it’s often hard to let go, it’s really in your best interest to move on, and take care of yourself, so that your next relationship is one that is healthy and happy, not riddled with psycho-stalking and drunken rants.

I hope that helps. I wish you luck, and am here for you if you need me. 🙂

[i]Does he still care or is he just nosey?
by LonelyGirl on Thu Oct 08, 2009 7:45 pm

I bet people start all of these out thinking they can wrap it up fairly quick.

At the beginning of the year, I split up with my ex-BF Dave of six months. lot of strain was put on our relationship right up front, because I moved in his house, as his roommate. We didn’t last as roommates.. obviously.

We broke up when he found me passed out on my desk, and read the messages on my computer. He found that I was talking to my last ex-BF online (he hates), and refused to get over what I had said to the guy online and in texts, in my drunken stupor. The things I said would definitely hurt someone, but Dave he refused to believe that it was just my belligerence talking.

I viewed it like, how many drunken people make asses of themselves everyday, and why when I do it, I’m taken seriously, and my feelings are completely valid?

He dropped the ‘L bomb’ only two weeks after I moved in, one month after re-contact (went to school together). I was head over heels already, and it went from there.I never cheated on him, never stayed out late, and we spent too much time together. We both drank. Too much. That’s all there’s to be said. I’ wish I’d have tried to quit while I was with him, but at least I have quit now, and it’s been a very strong 4 months.

I pleaded with him for two weeks to forgive me, and try his hardest to just see past this. We had such a unique situation I could go all into detail about but it won’t add to anything. No dice; I boarded a plane and moved.

We kept in touch, but very minimally, for about a week after I moved, then I drank too much and there went my mouth again. Because he wouldn’t forgive and forget what I’d done, I went off on him, told him he just wanted to finally score with me and then move on (couldn’t in school). It was wrong, but I was so torn up, I had spent days and nights crying and moping, because I had hurt my own pride with what I’d done, and because I just wanted to rewind time and I couldn’t. I was just doing my mistakes all over. He refused to talk to me after that.

When I left, he told me he would miss me, and he also made it very clear he was extremely physically attracted to me. We haven’t talked since he stopped responding to my calls, about 6 months ago. I’d sent an email to him about 3 months ago, regarding the apartment lease we were both on to which he responded cordially.

I use social networking sites like twitter and I found out recently he has been keeping himself posted. I know because I have a link to my daily web blog which has a visitor status counter, and I am tech savvy enough to know that it is him. He checked my site 3 times yesterday.

What is his problem? I picked up my life and moved on, and the wounds started to heal, but it feels like they’re opening. I keep crying when I hear our songs. I would like for him to believe me when I said I made mistakes. I can get over him, but only if I believe that’s really what he wants. I know the only person I should be asking is him, but his pride wouldn’t ever let him just tell me he would rather be with me than not.

Or maybe he just would rather not. I don’t know, but I’d like to know if you have any perspective I can gain on this psycho-stalker cycle we both have going. It’s sad to know you think about someone SO much and they are sitting across the country doing the same thing. I wish I’d not have gotten on a plane and just moved out of our apartment.

I don’t want to talk to him, because I went back to the guy that he saved me from. It’s a huge weakness, but I have grown up a LOT this past year and I can tell I am wasting my time and now I’m ashamed to admit it. That last post regarding five years and no ring was my other ex’s story sans the abuse.

What should I do?

Please help,
LonelyGirl

[/i]

[LonelyGirl]

I understand your advice and I will get help for it, but right now I’m sober and I can’t afford help. I’ll be fine until I can.

The subject is “just making sure” you still feel like someone who is obviously still interested in what I’m doing is just NEVER going to give me the time of day again, but I guess I see where you’re coming from. If he wanted to reach out, he could. He doesn’t.

It sucks, but I can’t move on knowing he’s thinking about me so much. Ten times in the last two hours. Hmm.

Thanks April.

[Ask April Masini]

Let me see if this helps:

First of all, you don’t know if and what he’s [i]thinking [/i]about you. All you’re doing is counting the number of times your software tells you he’s hitting your website. For all you know this could be a new girlfriend of his that he’s told about you, and she’s interested in seeing more about you. Or maybe he clicks on your website and reminds himself how glad he is to have moved on in his own life. Or maybe you’re right, and he’s still thinking about you, but isn’t interested in connecting with you. The reality is you don’t know. All you do know is that you have information that his computer seems to be checking your website. That’s it. You don’t have calls from him. You don’t have letters from him. You don’t have anything where he has proactively attempted to make positive contact with you. So if you’re going to put your life on hold because of this obscure fraction of a clue that he might be interested in you, still, you’re going to waste a lot of your time.

But what is of more concern is this addictive behavior that doesn’t just rear it’s head in substance abuse. Someone who has addictive tendencies will do what you’re doing — check to see if your ex-boyfriend clicked on your website — FIVE TIMES IN TWO HOURS! 😕

Meetings for addiction and substance abuse are usually free. You can start going to meetings for AA or just about any other such group by doing some research and finding that group in your area. If you do have an addictive personality you can learn more about yourself, and how to live a happier life with more peace in it. People with addictive personalities don’t just get sober or quit drugs. They transfer that behavior and sometimes compulsion, to other things — like shopping, cleaning, exercising or other activities. Stalking your ex isn’t a productive use of this personality type because it’s not making you feel good. 🙁

Look, it’s hard to break up with people, especially when you feel you’ve made mistakes, or wish you had done things otherwise, but until you decide to move on and choose a happy, healthy life, you’re going to continue to find ways fantasize a relationship with your ex and distract yourself from real life.

I hope that helps at least a little. I’m rooting for you — but you have to start rooting for yourself.

[LonelyGirl]

Hi April,

Yes, I’m back! I had to bring this back up, because I honestly didn’t think that I would really still be in this same situation, so many months later. I’m shocked and also fascinated by my ex who visits my website, every day. Still.

Is he really just reminiscing about us? For 6 months? Is he mocking me? I don’t want to hide by removing it, but if he is, shouldn’t I? 😕

[LonelyGirl]

I completely see your point in your last post, which I seem to have missed reading previously. I apologize. It’s true, I have not been contacted at all, and it totally could be a girlfriend, just because I know how big his mouth is when it comes to talking about his exes. I remember that part pretty well.

I have moved on greatly, and I don’t even have the same feelings I had towards him anymore. I have started posting pictures of me with my current boyfriend, because I don’t care what he thinks and sort of hope it will scare him off. That’s the reason I guess I think he’s mocking me now, because he still comes, regardless that I am moving on and am happy. I even mentioned a short bit about taking the “next step” with my significant other.

I regret asking you if I think he’s reminiscing, because I don’t care. Now I just want to know how I can ignore him. I guess by not even looking at who is visiting? I think I will eventually stop caring if I stop looking.

[Ask April Masini]

You can take down your website or restrict it’s use to exclude him. The problem with public websites or websites where you allow lots of people to be part of your audience is that you can’t control if and when they stop by that website. There’s also lots of room for miscommunication in this information, so if it’s bothering you, take the site down.

[Ethan Morales]

It definitely looks like you and your ex are caught in a “psycho-stalker cycle,” as April described. His daily visits to your site suggest more than casual reminiscing they show a lingering preoccupation with you. But the truth is, you can’t control him, and focusing on whether he’s obsessed or nostalgic keeps you tied to the past.
The healthier path is to focus entirely on yourself your sobriety, your growth, and your future relationships. The fact that you’ve stayed sober and moved forward is huge progress. Don’t let his online activity pull you back into emotional turmoil; obsessing over him will only reopen wounds.
Ultimately, whether he cares or is just nosey doesn’t matter you need to reclaim your energy and stop monitoring or worrying about him. Protect your boundaries, let the past stay in the past, and concentrate on building a life and relationships that are healthy and positive for you.

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