[mrpink22]

Hi April,
I have been going out on dates with a lovely young lady for the last 3 weeks. She was previously in a 15 month relationship and was dumped over text message last month around Valentines Day. She was madly in love with him dispite the way he treated her. He didnt like her friends, always complained about her little habits, parts of her personality, was quite controlling and lied to her. They were on a break a month before the break up and he slept around and partied which he initially denied. However she stuck with him and is still quite heartbroken after it ended and has grown distant and stresses out so much that she needed to go to the emergency room last week.

Since her and I have been seeing eachother, she is abit more on the happier side, shes slowly getting over her ex and is feeling appreciated and important by my words and gestures. For example, I gave her some orchids. Her fav flower. She told me I was the only person to ask what her fav flower was. She used to study music for many years and enjoys all genres so I took her to a jazz club. I open doors for her, pull out her chair when we sit down for dinner, compliment her on the way she looks, sent her flowers when she worked and can always make her smile whether in person or over text. Its all new to her and shes scared and confused.

I finally told her that I was hellbent on taking this slow and wouldnt rush and smother her. Truthfully, that is my intent because I care about her. But I wish she could see that the past is the past and Im different so she doesnt have to keep her guard up. I would like to know if Im going in the right direction, doing all the right things, if Im doing anything wrong and what I should do next?

Thank u!

[AskApril Masini]

It really sounds like you’re doing everything right. But you’ve only been dating for three weeks, and you have to give her some time to get to know you before she’s more open about committing to you. Frankly, given her last relationship, she’s right to be cautious with you — and you should be glad she’s doing that because it means she’s taking you seriously. If she jumped from one relationship into a rebound relationship, then you’d need to be cautious. But it sounds like she’s doing everything right, too.

Don’t hard sell yourself. She’s going to learn to trust you over time, based on your behavior — not your words. I’m sure that her ex said things and did the opposite. When she sees that your behavior matches your words, or that your behavior on it’s own allows her to see your character, she’ll soften up.

And don’t bring up her ex. If she wants to talk about him, then she will. For now, continue to ask her out and spend time together so you can both get to know each other better. I usually say that the first three months are exploratory and after that time you decide whether or not to become monogamous with someone based on what you’ve learned.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[mrpink22]

Hi April,
So I followed your advice to take things slow and give space. I’ve only seen her maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 3 weeks and I havent been smothering her with constant phone calls or texts. When we do text, she tells me about how depressed she is and how shes not ok. I visited her at work earlier in the week and she was very happy to see me. When I was leaving, I whispered to her that she looked beautiful and when we text I try to make little comments like that in hopes of cheering her up.

Lately, her facebook statuses have been about her ex. She comes across as being either angry, sad, confused, etc. Its starting to make me worry and think that I might get lost in the shuffle and my gestures, words, actions, etc. will be forgotten once she gets better and starting getting over her ex.

Shes having a bday dinner next week, I bought her a little present that is kind of an inside joke and something that only her and I would understand. Im also going to include a homemade card with a poem and message, once again, in hopes of cheering her up and letting her know that I care.

With that said, do you have any thoughts or feedback?

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

How long has it been since she broke up with her ex?

[mrpink22]

They broke up in February after an on again, off again relationship that lasted 15 months.

[AskApril Masini]

The problem with her having been in an “off and on” relationship for 15 months is that you don’t really know if it’s in an off phase or if it’s over. It sounds like she doesn’t, either. 😳 In that case, you have to understand that you’re competing for her attention. This isn’t as easy as trying to win over someone who’s single and ready to mingle, if you know what I mean! She’s got her interest being pulled in different directions. That said, if you want to compete, then you should, but at the same time, my advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket. Look around and see if there are other women you’d be interested in dating. This serves a couple of purposes. First of all, it gives you more options in dates. Second of all, you won’t seem so needy or dependent on any one woman’s attention — which makes you more attractive. Women like men who are confident and have their own lives. In fact, nice guys finish last — it’s not just a saying, and if she thinks she doesn’t have you “in the bag”, she’s probably going to be more interested in you. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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