[Ravyndas]

Dear April,

I am at a point in my relationship that I am not too sure what to do next.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over 8 years. We met when I was 20 and he was 38. I was never really into people my age, most of my friends are older and just about all of my partners have been older than me to some degree. I never got along with guys or girls my age.

The age gap was never a concern of either of ours, our family or our friends. The way our relationship has worked has almost been in a semi-long distance form. We live 30 min. apart from one another. We see each other several times a week when we can, if not during the week then at least on the weekend. We both had our lives to deal with so it seemed to work out. I was taking care of my mother with a full time job and pay her bills while he took care of his mothers house, maintenance, etc. Neither one of us believe in marriage in the traditional sense but love one another greatly.

My boyfriend and I have what I feel is a strong relationship in some ways and in some ways not. We share a lot of mutual interests, have has our inside jokes with each other, do things outside the house with each other like golf, garden, go to concerts, etc. However… In the communication area I feel we sometimes suffer. We talk about how our days are, complain to one another, joke with one another, make the other feel better in times of sadness…. But I think that there is a big wall when it comes to our feelings. He is a very quiet, shy, reserved kinda guy who isn’t huge into “PDA” or being all mushy about his feelings. I get it. I don’t need the PDA or little mushy nicknames like cuddlebug and pookiebear. Nor do I need a sappy kinda guy. But…. sometimes I feel like there could be more. More talk about us in general or a compliment on how I look just once in a while. I just don’t think he thinks of it and he doesn’t realize he neglects these small things. It’s been 8 years… And while neither of is wants to get married. I feel like he doesn’t plan on moving forward with our relationship in anyway. He invites me to his family functions, yet never wants to go to mine. He asks me to come hang with him for half of the week… But I don’t think he has actual plans of us living together, despite some of the rare talks we have had on the subject. They always end up with; the time isn’t right, in our due time probably, etc. He lives with his brother and I think he knows that I would never move in with him with his brother there. His brother is 7 yrs younger than him and I feel as though his brother thinks that they’re attached at the hip. Little brother can’t do anything without big brother.

I really do adore him and love the time we have together whether alone or with other people… I just don’t know if he is too stuck in his ways and I should just swallow the bullet and move on with my life because I want just slightly more than what our relationship is currently giving me… And I feel like I’ll never get a straight answer about it. Or should I hang in there for the namesake of “love”?

I feel like my rant is somewhat confusing, but I hope I have given enough description to paint a picture.

Thanks! Sincerely,

Hopelessly Devoted “a la Olivia Newton John via Grease” Style

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like what you’re really upset about is the future of the relationship. I think that although you’re saying you don’t believe in marriage, you really do want to live with him in a more committed relationship than the one you have after 8 years together, living apart. 😉 The trick is for you to be completely honest with yourself about what you want, and then to figure out if you’re getting what you want from him, and if not, whether you’re willing to move on or not.

Love is great, but if your dreams aren’t coming true and you’re not getting what you want in a relationship, love isn’t enough. 😕 He may not have discussions with you about your future together but his behavior is loud and clear. He doesn’t live on his own, introduce you to his family or treat you as an intimate and valued partner. I know you love each other, but you want more than you’re getting and after 8 years with him, I don’t think he wants more. 🙁

I don’t think you should hang in there — I think you should break up and start dating, but this time around, date smart — with a goal for yourself in a relationship. Being clear about what you want will allow you to let go and move on from guys who are kind and nice and interesting and attractive — but who don’t want to live together or who don’t want to introduce you to their families or who don’t make you feel like you’re the most special woman on the planet. 😎 I think that after 8 years, you being 28 and he now being 46, you need to move on.

Let me know if that helps, and how things go for you.

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[Ravyndas]

Thank you for your honesty.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome.

Please let me know if you have any more questions, and check in with me to let me know how things are going.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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