[Bella007]

I am hoping you are willing to read…been having a real hard time the last few days.

I have known him since I was 3 years old…today I’m 28, he is 32.

His sister suggested we date, I guess it took him a while to gather the courage to talk to me or ask me out. He is shy and quite reserved. Even though we have known each other since kids, we all went our ways in life as normal, but always saw each other here and there at events. His sister said he was scared of my stepdad not approving, etc. Afterall, my stepdad and his dad are best friends. But he contacted me New Years Eve anyways, we went on a few dates, everything is going well. March we went on a weekend trip to the mountains, was great! In April, he asked, and said, knowing his situation (job on call 24/7, working lots of evening, living situation being 1 hour away from me) would I still go steady with him. I asked if that meant me being his gf, to clarify, he said yes. Everytime we managed to find time to get together, which isn’t very often, its always great. He is affectionate, goofy, has told me at one time I drive him crazy (in a good way) has talked about different things to do, just needing to find the time to do them. (movies, comedy clubs, etc.) We share the same interests.

When we started dating, we both said we don’t play games. We didn’t sleep together till about 3 months into seeing each other…it was a month after we agreed on exclusive status.

Although…we seemed to have communication issues…I told him a few times that it would be nice to hear from him a little more, or that I liked hearing from him. He said he didn’t have anything new to say…I said that wasn’t the point. It never changed much, there were a couple weeks here and there where he would be good with calling…and then it would stop.The past 3 weeks, I was the one calling…and it wasn’t like I was calling everyday…more so every 4 or 5 days…just to say hi. But since I’m his gf…it shouldn’t matter. We would end the conversation with him saying we would talk later…on good terms!…but he would leave days on end…he let 10 days go. I called, he never answered or called back that day which he has never done before. Majority of the time he answered on the 2nd ring…if I had to leave a message, which was rare, he always called back the same day. So I texted him the next day just seeing where he was…he called, was in a foul mood. We hung up sour, I called him back 10 minutes later and get his voicemail again. At this point I’m a little annoyed and I told him I understand he was upset, but the attitude wasn’t appreciated. The next day…friday night, he called me and said he felt we should stop seeing each other.

What the hell happened?!?!!??!!?

He is known to be quite miserable…and tends to have months where hes worse than most times. This month was extremley busy, his sister said hes been on an anger streak with work. His dad says hes “burnin bridges” everywhere. He has always had this “dream” to live like a hermit on an acreage in the mountains…away from everything. It sounds depressing but…he never seemed REALLY serious about it. He also seems to have a history of communication issues, he doesn’t express much of anything to his own sister or father – regardless the issue in life.

I am shocked…I asked him why and everything he said, made no sense or had zero connection.

He said he feels he has things he wants to accomplish/goals that he needs to focus on right now…he brought up the hermit idea, he said he felt pressure and he felt we didn’t see eye to eye…but…I personally don’t believe we had enough time together to see eye to eye on anything yet!

I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone else, he is not that kind of guy. I started to ask for examples on the “eye to eye” thing and he had none. I asked if this had to do with the previous night, he said no. I asked him what he possibly wanted to do that couldn’t do with me still in the picture. Nothing. He said he would call if he felt fit, would make plans, but when I asked him why it was such a crime for me to call, he said it was no crime at all. So whats the problem? I told him I was fine with not seeing him often (cause of work) all I wanted was a little more communication. He started talking about the pressure part, about how I would ask when I could see him and he never knew…he figured I was expecting marriage and “a house with a dog”… I have never NOT ONCE mentioned that word or idea around him, and he then says “you are asking me what we are” …YEA I think I had every right to ask after dating almost 3 months. I said that a month later YOU asked me to go steady! He then said maybe in a couple months we can come back to it and re-evaluate everything…I said it seemed silly to break up now and come back to it two months later…asking him if we could just leave it alone and talk about what we wanted now. He tried to make it sound like I had it wrong about what steady meant, which was bullshit…he is only doing that so he can pawn off the guilt on his part. He just kept saying he felt we shouldn’t see each other…I asked him if he had any feelings for me anymore…he paused and said no. I found that very hard to believe…how do you say you are crazy about a person, and then just 3 weeks later have nothing left…when nothing went wrong?!…

Why would he say that, if he has no feelings left? or is it a cover up?

This lasted 30 minutes on the phone…I could tell he had a few drinks in him too which is super classy. I ended the conversation (calmly but clearly upset) saying “Well…good luck then…bye”

I can’t help but feel like he freaked out for whatever reason…I care about him very much…more so because he is already like family to me. He acted so selfish by also saying he wanted to spend the 1% of his free time with his friends (all married btw) and having fun with them this summer (fishing, camping, working on the place). Cause 99% of his time is work. He has no time for himself. He gives up on this only 3 months in…I know its better now than 6 months…but regardless this would have hurt. Now all of the sudden he is done? I expressed to him that I felt us breaking up felt incredibly wrong right now. I asked him what his heart was saying because he kept reffering to his mind…but he had no real answer for me.

I haven’t been eating much due to being so upset…I have waves of emotions..my heart is heavy. I thought talking to his sister might help, but shes just as confused…she doesn’t know what to say, his sister, my mom, stepdad…all say he has messed up big time. He was so worried about this not working out before talking to me, its like he created his own fear?

Any advice or insight would be helpful…I just can’t understand it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry you’re upset. 😳

I think that the problem is that you jumped the gun on the relationship and made a commitment to him before you really had a chance to get to know him. I know that you’ve known him since you were three — but not in a dating situation. That is very different. The rule of thumb I give people is to date someone for three months before you make a decision as to whether to continue dating them. After six months, you can decide if you want to be monogamous or not. I hope you’ll follow those guidelines next time. Sometimes close family friends fly under the radar you’d use for men you’ve only just met, and with whom you’re more careful “screening” for compatibility.

What happened is that he lost interest and showed a great deal of incompatibility with you — but you were banking on the “relationship status” and not the reality of only having dated him for three months. That’s why you got so hurt, and had so many expectations that weren’t realistic for the three month mark. Instead of expecting him to call you, I would have advised you to pay attention to his behavior, and if he stops showing up — by phone, by text, in person — know that he’s losing interest. 😳 At that point you can try dialing up your game to try and entice him and get his interest, or you can let go and move on. It sounds like, however, you acted more like an expectant wife or long-time girlfriend who had expectations that weren’t being met, so you got annoyed. When you’re just dating — especially in the beginning of a relationship — there shouldn’t be these expectations. 😳 There should be a getting to know you and deciding if you’re compatible period, instead.

I think for now, the best thing for you is to accept the break up and move on, knowing that dating is a process in which you get to know someone and figure out if they’re Mr. RIght or not. Jumping the gun and creating a commitment before you let the process play out denies you the opportunity to really get to know him — and yourself. 😉

I hope that helps. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts