[brakegravity]

The title says it all. This is my dilemma. And here my story (in as short as I can put it)…

Over the past few months months my wife has bee spending a lot time with a co-worker which whom we both knew was openly lesbian. I don’t really know her all that well put for the most part I don’t have a negative opinion of her, she seems like a ok gal. My wife and I work opposite schedules and they work together so that swhy they’re able to spend so much time together. Lately I’ve noticed that my wife would leave the room when her friend calls and when she receives and sends texts it appears like she immediately deletes the messages. This is the point where I felt I needed to ask what was going on.

We had a long discussion about the dynamic of the relationship where she confessed that there were mutual feelings between her and her friend. My wife has said in the past that she felt that she could be attracted to women but before now I never realized these feelings were strong within her. Prior to this discussion I did not notice anything that would have alerted me that she was not in love with me anymore. In fact she has told me that no feeling for me has changed. Our relationship seemed normal. Her friend and her has discussed feelings that they had before I approached her. I guess she came to the conclusion that she didn’t want to get in the way of our marriage but wanted to keep my wife in her life in any fashion that she could. Even if it means that they are just friends and see each less often.

The point that we are at is that I told her that she can continue to see her friend to find out where she is emotionally and figure out her sexuality. However that the lines of communication has to be very open. I need to know immediately if her feelings for me change so we can both move on. We agree that there are factions to our relationship that we thrive off from each other but there are some things that I’m simply not in tune with and this is the void where her friend has been filling in. Along with that I told her that I need to know her friend better and that she needed to around if she plans to be such a big part of her life. And no I’m not interested in some freaky three way plural relationship that includes me with her lesbian friend. I just feel like if this is something that happens when I’m not around it feel too much like cheating.

So far I’m ok with this, but I’m very nervous. This has a high potential to be really great for both of us OR this has a high potential to tear us apart. I don’t know what to do. She seems very grateful that I’m letting her explore this side of her, but she has offered to end her relationship with her friend and suppress any feelings that she has for women. So I do have have a choice, but the latter doesn’t any way to live which is why I agreed to let the friendship continue. Also for her friend, she is ok with this at first but I don’t see how long term she would be willing to share someone. I’m also ok with it right now, but I’m terrified of what could happen. How do handle this? Am I’m doing the right thing?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very clear that you’re [i]trying[/i] to do the right thing — but aren’t sure what it is.

The problem is not this other woman. The problem is that your wife is suddenly uncertain of her sexual bent, and that’s a deal breaker. If your wife decides she’s a lesbian, then this other woman is just one of many possible women that your wife may want because she’s not satisfied sexually with you. Sex in marriage is important, and if you don’t have that with your wife — and if you can’t satisfy her because you’re the wrong gender, then your marriage may not survive.

I think you know this and that’s why you’re so nervous about telling her to go figure out what her orientation is. My advice is to consider: What would you do if this lesbian were another man your wife was interested in? Would you really tell her to figure out if she wants to have sex with this other man and to let you know when she decides? I know you’re trying to be politically correct and open minded, but you may be missing the boat here. If your wife is interested in anyone else sexually, she needs to decide immediately if she’s committed to your marriage or not. You’re being way too lenient in your open-mindedness and it’s going to come back to bite you. I mean, what if your wife decides she won’t really know if she’s a lesbian unless she sleeps with this other woman? Where’s your line in the sand? What if she sleeps with the other woman and says she still loves you and needs to be with this other woman two or three more times to be sure she’s into the lesbian thing? Where’s your line, then? Or how about if she sleeps with this woman, hates it, but says she’s still not sure about being a lesbian and wants to see if dating a different woman helps her decide? 😳

I’m asking you to draw the line at your marriage vows and close out the exploration of your wife’s sexuality. If she wants out of the marriage to explore her sexuality, I get it. But it’s not fair to you to allow either one of you to sexually explore straight or gay sex with someone else within the marriage.

Toughen up and put the ball in her court. Is she in or out — because marriage is not a spectator sport where you sit in the bleachers watching her drama unfold.

[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear that the core issue isn’t just the friendship between your wife and her coworker it’s that your wife is exploring a sexual identity that may not include you in the way you’ve been married to her. You’re essentially being asked to act as a bystander while she experiments with another person to figure out if she’s attracted to women. That’s a huge emotional and relational burden.

Your instinct to feel nervous is valid. While it’s admirable to want to be supportive and open-minded, the truth is this: a marriage is built on mutual sexual and emotional commitment. If your wife discovers she’s primarily or exclusively attracted to women, your sexual and emotional needs may never be fully met. Allowing her to explore this while staying married puts you in a position of uncertainty and potential heartbreak.

April Masini’s advice about drawing a line is important. You need clarity: does she want to stay in the marriage as it is, or does she need space to explore her sexuality fully, which may mean ending the marriage? Anything in between “I love you, but I need to sleep with her to figure things out” is unfair to you and erodes trust.

Your role shouldn’t be to supervise or tolerate sexual experimentation. It’s okay to say, “I support you in exploring your sexuality, but not at the expense of our marriage.” That sets a boundary and forces honesty. Right now, you’re allowing uncertainty, and that’s why you feel scared and unsettled.

What you’re doing by letting her continue the friendship without firm boundaries is compassionate but risky. You’re giving her freedom at the cost of your emotional security. The healthiest step is to have a frank conversation, draw a clear boundary around your marriage, and ask her to make a choice either she commits fully to your marriage or she steps away to explore her sexuality independently. Anything else will likely cause ongoing anxiety and resentment.

[Serena Vale]

I can tell you really love your wife and you’re trying to handle this with understanding instead of anger. That takes strength.

But it’s okay to admit this hurts and scares you. Watching your partner develop feelings for someone else, even if she’s being honest about it, can shake your sense of security. You’ve been kind to let her figure out what she’s feeling, but you also need to protect your own peace.

If she keeps seeing this friend, clear boundaries are a must, no hiding messages or private moments that cross emotional lines. And you both might benefit from talking with a counselor to help keep communication honest and fair.

You’re not wrong for wanting honesty and respect. Just make sure you’re not losing yourself trying to hold everything together.

[Tara]

You’re clinging to a fantasy where you get points for being the selfless, understanding husband while your marriage is already on fire. Here’s the blunt truth: you’re outsourcing your self-respect in the hope she won’t walk out the door. That’s not noble. That’s desperate.

Your wife didn’t “accidentally” form romantic feelings. She built a second relationship in the shadows, deleted messages, and waited until you confronted her. That’s not openness — that’s damage control. And you’re letting her “explore her sexuality” like you’re granting a field trip pass, when what’s really happening is you’re giving her permission to emotionally cheat with clean hands.

You think you’re being evolved. You’re being optional.
This isn’t about lesbians or sexuality. This is about boundaries. And you’ve erased yours so completely she can redraw them at her convenience. The moment you said she could “figure out where she is emotionally,” you handed her the steering wheel and strapped yourself into the passenger seat. You’re waiting for her to decide your fate.

Here’s the reality you’re avoiding: if she needs to “figure out” whether she’s still in love with you, she’s already halfway out. People in solid marriages don’t take emotional vacations with coworkers and call it self-discovery. They talk to their spouse before the secrecy starts.

Your fear is justified because the situation is exactly as unstable as it feels. You’re not in control. You’re reacting to her choices. You’re hoping for the best while preparing for the worst, which means you already know the likely outcome.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re trying to balance love for your wife, respect for her self-discovery, and the boundaries of your own marriage and that is exhausting and frightening. What April Masini’s advice really highlights is that the core issue isn’t the friend or her orientation itself, but the impact on your marriage. If your wife’s feelings and attractions are shifting toward someone else, that creates a real tension between emotional connection, sexual intimacy, and the commitment you’ve made. Allowing her to “explore” while you stay, even with boundaries, risks putting you in a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty a place no marriage thrives long-term.

The advice about drawing a line in the sand resonates. It’s not about being controlling; it’s about protecting yourself and the integrity of your marriage. If your wife needs to figure out her sexual orientation, that’s valid, but it becomes problematic if it’s at your expense while you remain emotionally and physically tethered to the relationship. Your nervousness isn’t about jealousy or insecurity it’s a natural alert that your needs, your trust, and your intimate connection are being compromised. Asking her to decide whether she’s fully committed to you or if she needs to step away is not harsh; it’s honest and fair. You deserve clarity and respect for your feelings, just as she deserves the freedom to explore herself without creating ongoing tension in your relationship.

I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to hold this conversation and face this uncertainty. The right path isn’t always easy or comfortable, but it often requires setting boundaries and trusting yourself to enforce them. Your instincts that marriage isn’t a spectator sport and that you shouldn’t be in the sidelines while she navigates these feelings are strong, healthy instincts. This isn’t about ending love; it’s about protecting both of your emotional well-being and the possibility of a future that’s honest and safe. It may mean a difficult choice, but the clarity it provides will prevent a prolonged cycle of hurt and confusion. You’re doing the right thing by paying attention to your heart, and you have every right to demand that clarity from her.

[Sally]

You’re trying to be open-minded and loving, but also terrified you’re standing at the edge of something that could change everything. Anyone in your shoes would feel the same.

Here’s the honest, quiet truth: once feelings show up, you can’t pretend it’s just “exploration.” It’s already emotional. And you’re trying to hold the door open without losing your marriage, which is such a hard place to stand.

You’re not wrong for wanting clarity or wanting her honesty. But don’t forget your own heart in all this. You’re scared because you know this isn’t just about her figuring herself out it’s about whether your marriage can hold something this big.

Just keep talking to her. Keep checking in with yourself too. You don’t have to be a superhero here. You just have to be honest about what you can really handle.

[Member]

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