[lemonstrawberry]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over the year and I noticed he has a big thing with lies of omission. He commits lies of omission more often than I thought. I realize people tell ‘white lies’ in relationships to keep the peace, but the issue here is I don’t think we are in agreement about what a ‘white lie’ encompasses. I believe white lies should only go so far as ‘yes honey, you look great in that (terrible) dress’ or the occasional ‘No, I’m just stuck in traffic (not just running out the door)’
He believes it should go so far as lying (omission) about going to a strip club on the off night if he knew it would upset me – as in, he just wouldn’t mention that he is at a strip club but would be honest if I asked.
I love this man and he tends to be very candid with me sometimes so I don’t know if he was just saying this since it was a hypothetical conversation. I clarified that I didn’t want him doing that (going to a strip club or going and then not being transparent about it). He disagreed that going to a strip club is an ‘issue’ but agreed to make the concession for me to respect my opinion (he has only gone once before we dated anyway but again this was a hypothetical conversation that I brought up). He also agreed to not commit lies of omission about such things that maybe could be ‘grey area’ in the future.

But , I’ve caught him in lies of omission before. I never labeled those things as such but they mattered to me and now my trust has been shaken.

What should I do? I don’t want to end things with him but I am hurt and confused about why he thinks lies of omission are ok on such a level.

Please help. Thanks!

[lemonstrawberry]

Help please?

[AskApril Masini]

I agree with you that white lies have to do with telling someone their meatloaf is delicious when it isn’t. And when someone lies, and you don’t feel it’s the kind of “meatloaf” lie that you can overlook, you’re going to have trust issues — which is what you’re beginning to experience. It sounds as if after a year of dating, these lies are beginning to get to you. You’ve probably noticed them along the way, and one or two weren’t a big deal, although they may have bothered you, but now you’re realizing he does this all the time, and you don’t know when he’s being truthful and when he isn’t.

I don’t know how old you are, or if he has a history of this before he’s been with you, but the problem with liars is that if they’re compulsive or chronic, the problem is bigger than the relationship. If he lies at work, at school, to his family — in other words, beyond the scope of your relationship, this is going to be a difficult relationship for you to navigate in the long run. If, however, he’s lying to you to avoid conflict and hashing things out, which a lot of people don’t like to do, so they lie, that’s a different problem.

The best thing you can do is try to figure out if this is something that went on before you came into the picture, or if it’s an avoidance technique. If it’s the former, you’ve got relationship cracks in the foundation. If it’s the latter, you can figure out if he’s avoiding conflict and resolution because he’s lazy, not that into the relationship, or fearful of hurting you or pushing you out.

Let me know what you think. It sounds like you have to dig a little deeper to get to the bottom of this, so you can decide what changes in your own behavior will help you best.

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[lemonstrawberry]

We are both 23 years old and this is our first relationship. I know he tells white lies outside of the scope of our relationship (I have witnessed them and they were the meatloaf type of lies) but I know that the cause of his lies within the relationship are to avoid conflict and hashing things out. He told me this and I saw an increase in the lies as our hashing out discussions increased as well. He explicitly told me that he does this to avoid discussion and he believe it is because we shouldn’t need to hash things out ad naseum. I believe in discussing things but when I do talk with him everything I say DOES begin to sound circular, especially since he doesn’t contribute much. He is all about the good times in a relationship and likes to avoid having serious discussions (in general and with many people not just me)

PS thank you for replying and helping me figure this out!

[lemonstrawberry]

We discussed this yesterday and I outlined why lies of omission are not ok. I differentiated between the meatloaf lies and more harmful lies – like meeting up with an ex for example BUT even that was hard to explain – he questioned whether or not I was actually doing something incriminating during me meeting up with the ex but I explained that that wasn’t the point – if he would found out in a round about way that I met up with my ex without telling him first, then it would sort of suspicious if I were in my BF’s shoes.

This problem goes way back. We used to hook up in college after dating for 2 weeks freshman year. We would hook up on and off but would remain friendly throughout the 4 years. Because I saw him (for 4 years!) hook up with other girls, and pursue them after we dated freshman year, I slowly grew to distrust him (which is what I am learning now). So basically, when we started dating seriously, I saw it as a situation in which * I * thought he needed to earn my trust back whereas he views it (and still does view it as) him doing nothing wrong within the scope of this relationship – so therefore I should “just trust him” (his words).

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, guys hate to have “the talk”. Whether it’s about the status of the relationship or challenges in the relationship, they don’t like it, so if you’ve brought it up, put it on record, and he’s heard you — let it go. The less often you are to bring up “the talk”, the better the relationship is going be.

Second, guys want to fix things for you and when you bring him something he can’t or won’t fix, he’s going to feel less than great about himself in your eyes and in the relationship, than he will if you bring him something he can fix. So knowing that he’s not interested in doing what you want him to do, don’t bring it up any more.

Lastly, rethink the paradigm you’re using for this new phase (monogamy) of the relationship. You’re basing things on a four year history of both of you mutually agreeing to hook up with others and still be friends and hook up with each other, as well. I don’t know if you sat down and decided to mutually create monogamy together, or he said let’s take things to the next level, or you decided to live together and this was a step towards a future together — whatever brought you to monogamy, it’s not fair to put the burden of proving loyalty on him. It’s kind of like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you’re in the relationship constantly looking over your shoulder. What you see are these “lies of omission” and you’re waiting for them to turn into cheating or betrayal. They haven’t, but you’re thinking they may.

The problem with conducting a relationship this way is that you’re either going to create the problem you’re hoping will not occur because you keep bringing it up, or it’s already there and you’re trying to ward it off by telling yourself that he’s someone capable and interested in embracing monogamy.

You can either decide that he’s not someone you’re going to be at peace with because of these lies of omission and your history of hooking up, together, or you can decide that you’re going to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and assume he’s two feet into this new phase — unless you know for sure otherwise. But don’t try to force him into monogamy if he doesn’t want to be there — it will make you crazy!

Let me know what you think, and how things go.

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[lemonstrawberry]

Thanks for the reply!

I like when you said this: [b]What you see are these “lies of omission” and you’re waiting for them to turn into cheating or betrayal.[/b]

That’s exactly how I feel! I know it wrong and he really hasn’t done anything to indicate cheating. I’m afraid I’m pushing him away from all of these discussions though. He was actually the one who asked me to enter monogamy.

We decided to keep together, but also discussed how we needed to work on trust. How can we go about building the trust up again after all these discussions and my knowledge of omissions from the past?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote] I’m afraid I’m pushing him away from all of these discussions though. He was actually the one who asked me to enter monogamy. [/quote]

Then stop having the discussions! 🙂 Easy.

[quote]How can we go about building the trust up again after all these discussions and my knowledge of omissions from the past?[/quote]

[i]You didn’t betray each others’ trust[/i] — that’s the first thing you have to process. 😉 You agreed to hook up with other people, for four years, and it was a [u]mutual decision[/u], so there is no trust lost. You may have made a bad decision, and you may regret that decision, but you both upheld the agreement you had. If you can accept that, then you’ll see that rather than building up trust, I think you just have to get used to being monogamous. 😉 It sounds like this is new to both of you, and you have to be careful not to discuss your fears too much — so that you don’t spend most of the relationship talking about what might happen, rather than enjoying each other’s company. 😉

Hope that helps. Let me know how things go, or if you have any other questions.

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[lemonstrawberry]

Thanks April. Ironically, I think it IS true that we have to get used to being monogamous. I say ironically because out of the both of us, I think I am the one who needs to trust in the monogamy more since he is the one who seems to have more faith in me when it comes to those things. I’m sad to say it since he has always trusted me and I have not done him the same favor, at least not to the same extent. When he and i talked again about trust and all of the things I posted here, I felt much better about the relationship and began to see us as more of a team rather than two people clashing. I’m sure I will have more questions in the future about life in general. Thank you for your help again!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. I’m glad I was able to help.

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[Ethan Morales]

The heart of this isn’t about one “white lie” here or there it’s about a mismatch in what each of you thinks honesty looks like. You think white lies are harmless niceties. He thinks omission is acceptable when it prevents an argument. That gap becomes explosive because it means you’re living with different rules in the same relationship. That’s why you feel betrayed even when nothing “big” has happened.

Why does he do it? Avoidance. Guys (and people in general) who fear conflict will hide stuff to keep peace. Sometimes it’s laziness. Sometimes it’s insecurity admitting certain things requires accountability he’d rather avoid. It doesn’t excuse it. It just explains the behavior: omission is a tactic to reduce short-term friction at the cost of long-term trust.

The effect on you is predictable: you’re waiting for the omission to turn into full-blown betrayal. That’s exhausting and corrosive. Every mystery becomes a red flag. Conversations go circular because he’s emotionally checked out from real dialogue, and you’re doing the emotional labor to try and get truth and safety. That’s a bad feedback loop.

Fixing it requires clear rules and consequences. Sit down one calm, non-accusatory conversation and define what counts as a lie of omission in your relationship. Give concrete examples (ex: “If you go out with an ex / to a strip club / overnight with friends, I expect you to tell me.”). Agree on what transparency looks like and what the boundary consequences are if he breaks those rules. Vague agreements don’t work. Specifics do.

Rebuilding trust is slow and earned. He needs to choose transparency and consistently show it: volunteered information, accessible communication, and no “gatekeeping” of details that matter to you. If he’s chronically dishonest beyond the relationship (at work, family), that’s a bigger red flag that’s a character pattern you can’t negotiate your way around. If he’s avoidant because he genuinely hates conflict, couples therapy or coaching can give him tools to stop hiding.

You don’t have to accept a relationship where you’re constantly doubting the basics. Stay if he commits, changes, and proves it with repeated actions. Walk away if the lies continue or if he gaslights you about your concerns. And if you want, I’ll write the exact script word-for-word to have that defining conversation so you don’t get stuck in circular talk. Which do you want?

[Sally]

Being lied to outright hurts, but lies of omission make you feel like you are slowly losing the ground under your feet. You start wondering what else he is not saying, what else he thinks does not “count.” And that feeling sticks around long after the conversation ends.

Here is the hard truth: people who think omission is harmless usually think that because it benefits them. It keeps their life smooth while you carry the confusion. And you are not wrong, “I like that dress” is a white lie. “I will not tell her I went to a strip club unless she asks” is not. That is hiding something he knows would hurt you.

You are not crazy for wanting transparency. You are asking for the bare minimum: honesty in the parts of life that matter.

You do not have to end things, but you do need to pay attention. If he agreed to be more open, watch what he does, not what he promises. Trust grows from behavior, not hypotheticals.
Just do not gaslight yourself into thinking your standards are too high. Wanting the truth in a relationship is not demanding. It is normal.

[Tara]

He’s comfortable with deception as long as he can rebrand it as something harmless. That’s not a communication issue. That’s a values issue. And values don’t magically align because you love him.

He’s telling you exactly how he operates: he withholds information whenever it benefits him and only reveals it if you corner him with a direct question. That’s not honesty. That’s strategic truth-telling. That’s “I’ll be honest as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me.”
You’re trying to negotiate integrity with someone who sees transparency as optional.

And here’s the part you’re refusing to admit: you already caught him doing the exact thing he claims he “only might do hypothetically.” This isn’t theory. It’s pattern. You didn’t recognize it as lies of omission before, but your gut did — that’s why your trust is shaking now.

You’re hurt because he’s showing you who he really is, and you’re trying to convince yourself it’s a misunderstanding instead of a character flaw.

Stop pretending this is about strip clubs. It’s about him believing he gets to be the one who decides what you “need to know,” which means he’s already decided his comfort outranks your trust.

If you stay, understand this: you are signing up for a relationship where honesty comes with conditions, and transparency only happens when you ask the right question at the right time.

[Natalie Noah]

You genuinely want this relationship to work, and you’re exhausted from feeling like you can’t trust what you’re being told. That combination is painful wanting closeness but being on guard for omissions creates a lot of low-grade anxiety that eats at joy. Your boyfriend’s pattern of avoiding conflict by not fully disclosing things may feel easier for him in the moment, but it’s leaving you to do all the emotional labor of policing the relationship. That’s not sustainable, and your feelings about it are valid.

Practically, you’re already doing important work by naming the difference between harmless “meatloaf” white lies and dodging things that matter to you. Now the next step is a concrete agreement: sit down (when you’re both calm) and define together what counts as a “no-go” omission. Use specific examples strip clubs, meeting up with an ex, hiding who you were with and agree on transparency behaviors (e.g., “If I go out with coworkers and drinks are involved, I’ll text you a quick heads-up”). Make the consequence clear too: if those agreements are broken, what will happen? Not as punishment, but as a boundary to protect your trust.

At the same time, give him a path to change that doesn’t feel like shame. Since he avoids heavy talks, offer a compromise: fewer, shorter check-ins about the relationship (so it doesn’t feel like interrogation), plus one concrete trust-building ritual weekly “how are we doing?” check-ins, sharing calendars for nights out, or a transparency app if that feels right. Celebrate small wins: when he is honest, acknowledge it. Trust rebuilds meter-by-meter, not overnight.

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