[eyrie]

Next summer I will be graduating with my masters degree and I would like to have my friends, brother and mother stay with me and my boyfriend of 4 years at our apartment.

I have already told my mother that she could stay with us, assuming that my boyfriend would be fine with it, but when I asked him earlier today, he said he would be uncomfortable with my mom staying in the house, would prefer no one stayed in the house, but would be okay with the people closer to our age (my two best friends and my brother) staying with us only.

I am very close with my mother, and though my boyfriend offered to help her find a place to stay and even to help her pay for it (she’s not very well off), I don’t like the idea of inviting all the young people over to stay and leaving my single divorced mother alone at some hotel or air bed and breakfast.

My mom lives alone as it is and has been divorced from my newly thrice-married dad for just a few years. I think she would be very hurt if she couldn’t stay with her daughter and her son for her daughter’s graduation. She’s already told me she wants to take a few extra vacation days from work to visit the area and spend time with me.

Even if my mom did stay elsewhere, she can’t afford the expense and even though my boyfriend offered to help pay, I wouldn’t feel right asking him for the money when the time came (and my meager graduate student salary barely keeps me afloat as it is; he makes 4.5 times more than me). So I would be putting her out twofold, for the money and for the time and closeness I feel she deserves for making the trip across the country to come.

I mean I do pay to live at our apartment, just like he does. And we have a guest bedroom just for the purpose of having friends and family visit! Though he pays nearly 2/3 of the expenses to my 1/3, I almost want to just say: She stays and that’s final.

So what should I do? Demand my boyfriend let my mother stay or if he is so adamant, then demand he pay for her accommodations elsewhere?

I feel that he’s being insensitive to me and my mother and our relationship (which is much closer than him and his mother’s), to my mother’s financial situation and to mine by saying flat out no.

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, you should have discussed this with your boyfriend [i]before[/i] inviting your mother to come visit and stay with the two of you. You’ve put him in an awkward situation by assuming he’d be okay with your mother staying with the two of you and springing this on him after you’ve made the invitation to your mom. 😕

Your idea of demanding that she stay in the apartment over his objection or demanding that he pay for her accommodations elsewhere doesn’t really act in the spirit of a [i]relationship.[/i] Relationships require respect for both people in them. They require flexibility, patience and understanding.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever had situations similar to this with his family or even with yours during holidays or out of town visits over the four years you’ve been dating each other, but if you have, I bet you’ve worked these situations out before. If not, it’s important to set a precedent of flexibility and working as a team.

It’s not wrong for you to want your mother to stay with the two of you and it’s not wrong for him to not want her there. Please approach any further conversation on the subject with this in mind. Next, I always think that deal making is a great tool to employ in relationships. There are going to be LOADS of times that you both want different things, and making deals or compromises are great ways to get what you want this time and give him what he wants a different time. For instance, maybe he’ll agree to have your mother stay and in exchange for you doing something he really wants and you’ve resisted. Or maybe your mother can stay with your and your boyfriend for a night or two, after which he can go off with his buddies for some guy trip and you can visit with your mom. Or maybe you have a friend who’s out of town and needs a cat sitter or an apartment sitter and is willing to have your mom stay there for free. Universities sometimes have networks you can access for temporary housing at reduced rates. In other words….. get creative.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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