[inlove]

Dear April,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years, we met while we were getting our masters degree in Manchester.
I’m from China and he is from India.
I felt an instant connection with him and strangely enough comfortable, which is weird because it usually takes a long time for me to get comfortable around a guy.
Everything was easy with him, he understood me without me having to say anything, and days were spent just laughing and (i know this might sound overly cheesy) staring at each other.
I felt like for the first time I was completely in love.
After we both graduated, he asked me to move in with him and I did.
It was great because we got to experience transitions in each other’s lives and felt like we were doing it together.
From starting the difficult master’s course, to helping each other graduate and finally to finding jobs and settling.
We had a great dynamic, and I would wait for him when I’d come home early, and he would always show up in the door all sweaty running home from the station. He would cook for me all the time, (since I was lazy to cook), and he always treated me like a princess.
He thought it was weird, because he felt like he wasnt the best boyfriend to his ex girlfriends, and she was constantly doing everything for him. Where as with me, he felt everything was easy and he wanted to be the one taking care of me, and making sure everything was alright.
I was a virgin when I first met him, and I told him that I wasnt ready, and he never pressured me.
We had been together for 6 months and living together for 3 months before we finally had sex… it was beautiful and I’m so glad i waited for him.
To make things short, basically the relationship was great.
Until my visa ran out and I had to move back to China, this is when thing’s started being difficult.
When I arrived back to my country I moved back in with my parents, and it felt like a wake up call.
Like this is the real world, and not some bubble the two of us have been living in. If we were ever to make it,
my parents and his parents would have to approve.
I started questioning whether or not our relationship could take the cultural difference.
I’m very close to my parents, and they are quite conservative. My dad works in politics and is in a very high position, and his dream is for me to marry a nice Chinese guy.
He doesnt know I’m dating my boyfriend… I tried telling my mom, because she is more understanding, and she was a bit upset, but she told me she understood… and she’d have to meet him first, but she wasnt sure about my dad.
And she also said that if i were to marry him, he would have to convert and be the same religion as me.
I dont think I have the right to ask anyone something that big…
Anyways, we spoke everyday for atleast 2 to 3 hours on skype, and even with the time difference we managed.
He also tried his best, sending me morning texts and little sweet texts through out the day letting me know he misses me and how much he loves me.
I went to visit him twice to Manchester, because he couldnt get a leave from his work. And by the end of the year,, his visa also ran out so he had to move back to India.
Although we were now closer to each other, it was still very difficult for us to meet, because we were both working. He was finally allowed to take 2 weeks off and came to visit me. That was the longest we hadnt seen each other (we went by not seeing each other for 4 months), but because of the fact I had to hide our relationship from my parents, when he wanted to visit me, we had to meet in another city in China. I told my dad I was away with most of my friends, (my mother knows i was with him), which I am starting to grow weary of, since I’m a grown woman now, but I really respect my dad and I dont want to break his heart.
He also wants to meet my parents, but I keep putting it off because I really want the first impression to be perfect.
After he went back to India and our two week [i]honeymoon[/i] ended, things started to get difficult. We started having a lot of issues. He would get paranoid and think that I had done something with my close guy friend here, going as far as to asking me to delete him from my facebook and never speak to him again.I told him I wouldnt do that, but he asked me to choose between him and my friend, which is why I finally told him I would, but in truth I’m still very much in contact with my friend, because I dont think our friendship should suffer from a jealous frenzy. And when I’m in a bad mood I start fights with him and blame him for everything that’s going wrong from the relationship. We would say the word “break up” so easily, maybe twice in a week, but always make up the next day.
I started finding my self thinking late at night, “How much longer are we going to keep doing this? Long distance… fighting, not to mention the religion issue, cultural issue, etc.”
We had made a plan to get married in two years, but that had always just been one of our dreams, we would just find a way. No matter how difficult, we would find a way.
But lately we have been fighting more and more, until finally last sunday I toldhim I wanted to break up and he said fine. But this time none of us tried to call the other next day, and it has been 5 days since we last spoke now.
I love him to death, and I dont want to break up with him…. But i just dont want us both to waste our time and fall even more in love with each other if we wont even end up together.
The heartbreak it will leave me is what scares me the most…

I’m so sorry if i wrote too much,… thank you so much for your help. I really felt like I needed an outer person’s point of view.

[Ask April Masini]

You have a very difficult decision to make, but unless you make it the decision, it will be made for you.

You have to decide if you’re going to displease your parents and try to make things work with your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend, or if you’re going to please your parents and try to find a man that is more to their liking culturally. There is no right or wrong answer, but you have to make a decision and this is a life defining decision. You are old enough and mature enough to make this decision, but it is going to be difficult nonetheless.

If you choose your parents’ cultural mores then you will lose your Indian boyfriend for good. If you choose your Indian boyfriend then you will lose your parents for the short term, and possibly the long-term.

The one thing you need to understand is that when your boyfriend asked you to choose between your male friend on Facebook or him, what he really meant was choose your parents or him. He was just projecting his feelings onto your male friend. He feels like you’re cheating on him — but the people he feels you’re being loyal to instead of him are your parents — not any other man. That’s the root of the problem.

In addition, be prepared for your father to feel betrayed because you were dishonest with him. You withheld the truth and you snuck around because you weren’t strong enough to tell him the truth and face his displeasure and anger. He is going to be twice as furious now because he won’t like your cultural choice in boyfriends and because you lied to him, but you are going to have to take responsibility for that. So be forewarned that that storm will come if you tell your father about your boyfriend.

Living two separate lives and keeping the truth from someone — especially someone you love (even if you disagree with them) will usually result in a feeling of betrayal and a possible lack of trust. While it’s easier in the short run to lie to someone (your father in this case), in the long run, the truth always comes home to roost and you will have to face the music one day.

If you do decide to choose your boyfriend, you absolutely do have the right to ask him to convert to your family’s religion. And it would probably be wise to be honest with him in a way you haven’t been with your father, by telling him that that is what your family wants. Your boyfriend also has the right to say no, but you must both respect each other’s rights to ask and answer. So I would encourage you to ask him. He may want to make that step as a conciliatory gesture to your family — especially if he knows what a big risk it is for you to choose him against your father’s wishes.

Regardless, it’s time for you to do some big growing up and figuring out who you are, and what kind of adult life you want to live. Again, the only wrong decision you could make is to be untrue to yourself.

And for future, I would encourage you to be honest with the people you love and find the strength to face their displeasure with your decisions rather than lying to them and creating problems like this one. I wish you good luck on this because there is a lot at stake.

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