[daernareik]

Hi. I’m in a difficult.situation and need some advice. Sorry for the long essay but you need the full story to be able to understand.

Randomly i went on an internet dating website just over a year ago and met this guy. He lives in Perth and I live in Sydney. A 4 to 5 hr plane trip away depending on direction. We spoke on the phone for a few months. He and I clicked and could talk for hrs and hrs about anything. We ave very very similar in a lot of ways but share our own interests too which I think is good.

Eventually we decided we had to meet so both flew to Melbourne. We had a good time but i don’t trust guys because of past experiences. I did not find him physically attractive when we met, in fact he is kinda weird to look at but it not about the outside right? I am always open and honest with him and told him this. We kissed but I wasn’t comfortable with this. I have little experience with guys and what experience I do have is negative. I didn’t feel that spark with him that is had when I’d had crushes in the past. I’m not sure if that is normal or how important that feeling is or if its even real in a long term relationship. A few weeks later I flew to Perth to see him and then a few days later he flew to.Sydney. I began feeling more.comfortable with kissing him here. we spoke every day on the phone for at least an hr. Id already planned a round the world holiday and so in April last year left to go to Europe. We continued to Skype daily and he was my rock during hard times. It was difficult because we weren’t dating but there was an unspoken agreement we weren’t seeing anyone else. We spoke about him coming over and when he became redundant from his job he came over during his uni break for 3 weeks. This was going to be a challenge to spend 3 weeks in each others pockets 24 hrs a day as we travelled around Italy together. We had an amazing time and two days into it became gf and bf and began to be intamite but did not go as far as sex which was my choicce. Although not physically attraced to him I’m deffinqtly sexually attracted.to him and he does dress up well which makes me look twice e. Although he became very sick on the trip we barely quarelled.. there was one episode but it was due and resolved. After 3 weeks seeing him off was very hard. I continued my trip and he went back to uni. He had planned to visit family in Europe for Christmas and that was the next time I’d see him 6 months later. During the next 6 months we still talked daily. Because of family health issues I had to come home for Christmas and I wanted to secure a.new job for next year. I flew home at the end of September and surprise him by landing on Perth. We spent a week together where I met lots of his friends who are just so so lovely. We had a great time. It’s always so much fun being with him and hanging out together. He is Definately my best friend. A few weeks later I flew back to Perth for his sisters wedding. This was a time of great stress for him as he does not get along with the groom. The wedding went well and I met all his family. I had a great time and fell in love with him a bit that night. I knew I loved him.. that is I cared deeply about him hut to me being in love is much deeper. And about a man and a woman and sharing feelings like you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

We had been talking for some time about moving to the same city to give this relationship a proper go. I didn’t want to go to Perth to live. I felt this was too far from my family. he seemed happy to love away from Perth too. I went to Adelaide to investigate job opportunities there. I applied.for a job in country NSW about 41/2 hrs from home and didn’t really think is get it. I thought if I did I would break up with him but then the wedding happened. I got the job and I was devistated. I called him in tears straight away and he was very supportive. He told me he would move with me to the country. He is amazing and I know he is absoputly smitten with me and would do anything I asked. This is why I’m so careful not to ask him to do things. To leave it to him to choose. He met me in Adelaide and we finally had sex nearly 8 months after our first kiss. He is very patient. 🙂 we were both very nervous and I was a virgin (at age 26) and well, it was terrible! I won’t go into details but it was not what I was expecting. It got better over the weekend.. much better to the point of enjoyable and satisfying. I went to a close friends wedding and he couldn’t be there. I felt incredibly alone and sat there thinking I wish he was here and I want this with him. I want to marry him, have kids with him and grow old with him sitting on a balcony in our rocking chairs together and die holding his hand.

He flew to Europe for Christmas and new years and when he returned he came to Sydney. My parents are very old fashioned and as a teenager were funny about guys. I’ve never talked to them about boys before and had not told them about him. I picked him up from the airport and brought him back to my parents house where I was staying for a few weeks before I moved. My mum and dad met him as my friend not as my boyfriend. It went well. He met some of my friends and we had a great time. We went away for 2 nights where we stayed in a tent and had sex. I woke him.in the middle of the night without a word and we had sex again. When we were done I realised the condom had broken. I was not on the pill because I was scared of the.side effects and let’s say all hell broke loose with us. Wed spoken about if I got pregnant and it seemed all good but when it came to the actual event where it was very possible my world came crushing down. I doubted everything we had. My world was over. My religious parents would kill me. I wasn’t financially or emotionally ready to have a kid and I didn’t believe in abortions but was now thinking about that as a possible option. I wanted to be alone and he wanted to be near me. We yelled at each other for the first time ever and the whole.experience.was shattering. I took the morning after pill but was convinced I was pregnant. I didn’t want to touch him or kiss him. I was questioning what we had. That spark,I,was looking for early in the relationship I still hadn’t found and that bothered me a lot now. What was I doing? Was I with him because of the right reasons? Was he more of a friend or more of a lover? And what is the difference? He is everything I want on paper but something is kissing. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s a feeling that I don’t have with him that defines him as a lover rather than a friend. Shouldn’t I feel this for him. All of a sudden I wasn’t in love with him. But how can I fall out of love that quickly. I still care for him but that was all I felt. This feeling. The butterflies you get feeling I never had with him. He’s the right choice. The logical choice but I don’t have that spark with him. Sure we have a great time. We are 100% compatible I just feel like there is that something that should be there but is not. It really worries me that its.jot there and plays on ky kind a lot. Does it matter if everything else in the relationship is perfect but that? Am I being unrealistic? Expecting too much? I very much doubt is find another person on this earth I would connect with as well as him but he is ky first boyfriend and I have nothing to compare it to. Nothing to use as a reference point. Maybe I’m missing out on something and if.I.stay with him ill never get that and will always be wondering. But if I go ill loose my best friend. Written down it seems so trivial that this one missing thing in our relationship is such a big deal to me but it is eating away at me.

It’s.crunch time.now. I found out yesterday I’m jot pregnant. I should have felt something but I was numb. I told him and he was so relieved. He seemed to thing everything could go back to how it was normally but I told him I was confused. Didn’t know what I wanted or how I felt. It is not fair for him to move here to the middle of no where unless I’m 100% sure about our future together but at the same time I don’t think I can be 100% sure unless we move to the same town. We talked about him moving closer, still 1 1/2 hrs away to Canberra but then we are still.doing a long distance relationship and if it works out means he would have to move again in 6 months or 12 months.or so . I want him here because I don’t know anyone and I’m lonely but that’s jot the right reason. If he moves it puts a lot of preside on the relationship and suddenly becomes very serious. What if it doesn’t work? Where does that leave us? I’m at that age where I want to settle down. Have a baby (not yet) in 3 years time and be meeting the.person to do that with. If its not him ok wasting my time and his time, especually if he moves.

What should I do? Stay or go? It’s too good to leave but I’m missing that spark thing that defines him as a lover and not as.a friend. How do I know I won’t find that with someone else? But is it really that important if we are so compatible and good together. I am not in love with him but I was or thought I was. Will i get this back? This is something I can see playing on my mind for years to come if.I stay.with him. But we are so good that I would be stupid to leave.

Thanks.for reading and for ur advice 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Relax. 🙂 You’re putting pressure on yourself and this relationship that doesn’t need to be there. You need to continue to get to know him — and yourself — better so you can decide if he’s someone you want to be with for good.

In the meantime, it feels like you’re relying on him too much for friendship that other people would normally provide. [i]Expand your own life[/i] 😉 while continuing to date him and you’ll feel more sure — one way or the other — with some time.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[daernareik]

A week later and I’m more confused than ever. Still don’t know what to do.

Should he move or not. Its over if he doesnt but I don’t think I feel strongly enough towards him to justify him moving.

What should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’ve answered your own question:

[quote]…I don’t think I feel strongly enough towards him to justify him moving.[/quote]

My advice is that you choose people to date who are local, not long distance. Its’ a lot easier to get to know people when you can see more of them more often.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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