[romanticjock]

I am a male in my late 20’s in a long distance (out of state)
relationship with a girl 2 years younger than me. We first met a year
and a half ago when she moved into the building I was living in and
when we lived there we had a great time. It was probably the best of
both worlds, we were close enough to be with the other but we still
had our own space. Then through a snag with the program I was in, I
thought I was going to be moving back home with my parents to intern
at the local hospital, but ended up moving in with her during the week
for 3 months because I couldn’t afford rent while interning at a
hospital back in the area. During that time, she got another, much
better job as an assistant manager at a restaurant, then lost it when
the manager decided to fire her to pay the bar manager more (a very
shifty situation all around). Another thing to know is because of
previous medical problems, she could be considered at risk since with
losing her job, she lost all her health insurance to pay for the
medications she has been suggested to take daily to try and treat said
conditions prophylactically (the medications are mostly preventative,
since the doctors were not able to isolate the specific cause). Since
I have some medical training, when I was living with her I would help
her with all her medical stuff, going with her to appointments when i
could, figuring out the best questions to ask her doctor, basic
support things. When I was almost done with the program and she got
fired from her job, she decides to move back in with her parents,
mostly so if something does happen to her she will be around people
who care about her enough to get her the healthcare that she needs. I
then took a week off to help her drive all her stuff cross-country.

Fast forward 2 months, and I have graduated from the healthcare
program I was in, and have recently gotten a job offer across the
country. She is living in the midwest with her parents and complains
that she hates it there because of the weather, having to live with
her parents, no opportunities, take your pick. I have not seen her
make any sort of progress towards finding a job (she is on
unemployment at the moment), and because she has a lot of loans from
the previous for-profit college that she went to and the restrictions
from her unemployment, she cannot go back to school to get a degree in
anything. Every time I try and point out something else she could do
(I was on unemployment after being laid off for 14 months), she shoots
it down derisively or doesn’t really follow up on it.

Now she just came back out west for a brief visit and it was very
stressful for me. At first it was fine, she was only supposed to be
here 2 days, and that was it. But then through a variety of
circumstances she missed her flight and had to stay another 2 days to
catch another one out later (which i paid for). During the time that
she was here, she was expressing interest in following me wherever I
end up with the company and living together again. I am ambivalent
about this, as while I do like her company more than being on my own
at times, sometimes she can be annoying and obtrusive, and I kind of
fell obligated after staying with her while doing my internship. On
the other hand I really don;t want to bring any more baggage with me
than necessary to a new city and profession. I don;t feel like getting
married anytime soon, as I can already see that she probably been
thinking of that (she has already professed that she loves me,
although I wonder if its merely because I;m the most decent guy she’s
been with). Worst part is, her stepdad and her mom have begun asking
her when she is leaving, as if it is already set that when I settle
on a location she will move in with me. I really don;t want to settle
down, since I have lived within a hundred miles of where I was born
all my life and am getting a bit restless and kind of want to stretch
my wings and see how I do on my own for a little while, in this new
city and profession without any restrictions. But at the same time I
don’t want to hurt her. I know its asking a lot, but is there any way
to do this, to at least say I don;t want her to live with me and/or
see if she can get involved in something else??

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re dealing with someone who’s putting herself first, ahead of you, and she probably knows that you don’t want to hurt her or kick her out, which is why she’s there. You need to be clear and firm with her.

Tell her that it’s been great knowing her, but that you’d be leading her on if you stay together any longer, and that you’re going to help her move her things out at the end of the month. If she puts up a fuss, explain that you really need to be clear that you aren’t ready to live with anyone — not just her — and you want to be single now.

You may not succeed in not hurting her, but if you’re polite and clear and firm, and you choose a date and offer to help move her things out, you’ll get it done.

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