[Anonymous]

Hello dear April,

Three years ago, I started dating with a very sweet guy. Our relationship was the best. However, after five months that we were together, I had to move to a different city. We decided to keep dating, things changed a little due to the long distance, but we managed to stay together. Well, after a year of a long term relationship, I had to go back to my country and we decided to break up. HE is 9 years older than me and I didn’t feel prepared to get married and I also need to finish college. Anyways,I came back to my country and he started traveling around the world. At the beginning of the year, I went to visit him in one of the countries he was at that time. We stayed together and things were great. After that,I came back home to start college and he kept traveling. We still had decided to keep things like before. Well, after this trip we keep talking everyday and He asked to come to visit me in July, but I couldn’t because of school. However, we talked and he will come visit me in January. Well, I am very excited about it, but I feel like, even though, we behave as boyfriend and girlfriend, we are not, and I am scared that this will end up hurting me. However, I feel that our connection has got stronger lately. So, I am not sure how to manage this situation?

sincerely,
…S.

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think you can avoid pain in the relationship you’re in because you want there to be some commitment, and there is no commitment. It’s the rare woman who can do what you’re doing and not get hurt. Usually women want some kind of commitment when they’re sleeping with a man. Some women are able to fool themselves into not thinking their guy isn’t dating other women in the weeks and months when he isn’t with them. But usually, when they do find out there are other women he’s dating, they’re hurt. It’s a lot easier for most men to date different women in different countries or states or towns, act like boyfriend and girlfriend with each one of them, and not suffer any emotional pain. Women don’t usually have this same ability.

If you don’t want the hurt at all, then understand that you’re not compatible for a traditional relationship with your ex-boyfriend because of the distance, and because, as you mentioned, you aren’t ready to marry at your age, and you want to finish school first before you contemplate marriage. Don’t fool yourself that because the two of you are like boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 weeks out of the year. Or even 8 weeks out of the year, that he isn’t dating other women in the same way he is you. If you understand that in your bones, you’ll let him go and only date men with whom you are compatible, and who are available to you geographically!

[Anonymous]

Hello There,

Thanks very much for replaying my e-mail. I guess that what you said makes sense and that we do expect to have a commitment with somebody you love and want to be with. I can’t really guarantee that he haven’t been dating people while we weren’t living at the same place, specially when we broke up. However, I don’t think that is something you could say with 100% of sure even when you sleep together with the person everyday. Anyways, we have talked ,since I wrote to you last, and we decided to get back together as a serious couple. He will come to visit and meet my family and that’s a big step for us. I really wish that I could spend more time with him at the same place, but that’s not possible for the moment. Now, while he could be eventually dating more girls at different countries. I guess that would probably make his bank account go down to $zero,and money becomes a big problem in this case. Anyways, thanks for the advice. I hope that I wont get hurt. Even though, there are chances of happening as you said.

sincerely
S

[Ask April Masini]

Meeting your family is a big step towards a commitment. It shows he is interested not just in you, but in all that comes with you, too! 🙂 Long distance relationships are hard to make work, but I wish you the best of luck, and hope that yours is one that is successful.

Let me know how it all goes!

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