[lydia84]

I really need your advice regarding my love life. My name is Lydia, I’m in my early thirties. I have been in a relationship off and on with my boyfriend/father of my four year old child for the past 14 years, Leonard. We have broken up at least once every 6-18 months for most of our time dealing with each other due to his infidelities. Six years ago I caught him having inappropriate conversations and texts with females as well as catching him watching transgender pornography and I also seen an email that he sent to a transgender that he found online. Being in my mid 20s at the time I sought out revenge by seeking another man to have an affair with. I met a man by the name of Dre who is two years older than me. We clicked immediately. We did not have sex for 2 months after several dates, phone conversations, and texting. It was amazing how we had so much in common. Our connection was indescribable. Dre was simply wonderful and well rounded. Leonard could not compare to him at all. Dre was a self-made successful college graduate, had a great career, a wonderful personality, and great communication skills. Integrity was a major characteristic with him, he always proved himself even when he did not have to, and he was honest, upfront, and trustworthy. Leonard on the other hand had a dead-end job, was a liar, and had the advantage of a silver spoon upbringing. Dre gave me a feeling that I never felt before. It felt like fate. It turned out that he was seeking revenge on his girlfriend/mother of his child (4 yrs. old) of 12 years, as he caught her cheating on him. We finally had sex and it was the best that I ever had. I really felt like we were made for each other. We thought a like, finished each other sentences, and more. Our connection felt like it was sent from heaven. I fell deeply in love with him. We continued to date and hook up for about 2 months. I wanted to be with him and asked him if he wanted the same. He confessed the affair to his girlfriend and ended the relationship. Then I made the mistake of not ending my relationship with my boyfriend. Dre and I continued to date and have sex until he grew tired of waiting for me to end my relationship with Leonard. Leonard and I had a long history since we were teens and had many family ties which made it harder for me to let go, even though our relationship was not good. Dre contacted Leonard and told him everything. I then ended the relationship with Leonard. Dre and I were together officially for a year and things were great, his child loved me and I loved his child. His child took to me immediately. I ended the relationship because I felt like he didn’t trust me based on the fact that he questioned my love for him and felt like I dragged my feet to end my prior relationship. I admit I was young and dumb for leaving him. A few months later Leonard and I reconnected and I ended up pregnant. I found out that it was Leonard’s plan to impregnate me in hopes of it keeping me from leaving him again and to keep me away from Dre. While six months pregnant I caught Leonard watching transgender pornography again and broke up with him. We ended up working things out before I delivered our child. When my child was six months old I noticed Leonard seemed to be up to something and I went through his cell phone while he was asleep and found messages between him and another woman where he made comments about my postpartum weight gain. I was only 10lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant and I was always a fit woman. I broke up with Leonard again, then reconciled about five months later. Three months later I ran into Andre, at that point we had not been in contact for 2 years. It was like we never split up. He was the same man that I fell in love with and had continued to evolve in every way. During the time apart I often thought of him and really missed him. After our first conversation we would message each other often to catch up on things. We both admitted that the connection and love was still there. Two weeks later due to strong influence from his family and friends Leonard proposed to me. I accepted, however when I said yes I knew that I did not want to marry him. I forced myself to try to go through with it because we had a child together. I called off the wedding after a few months of heavy planning which caused us to lose lots of money from deposits and such.

Dre and I started dating again for well over a year and it was incredible! Our love and connection exploded and everything was perfect. Dre showed me what true love is and catered to me in many ways consistently and I returned the effort. Dre also inspired me to achieve my career and educational goals and I believe he made me an overall better person. I view him as a blessing from above. Leonard started drawing me back in by using our child as bait and saying he wanted to do right and raise our child together. I did miss not having my child two days each week. After a couple of months of thinking about it, I decided to give Leonard another chance because of our child and the fact that I did not have both parents in the same house growing up. My father was never in a relationship with my mother and moved away across the country. He barely interacted with me while growing up. Dre was devastated that I would leave the perfect situation with him and it was beyond hard for me. I continued to communicate with Dre every day and see him a couple times a week. He was not only the love of my life but also my best-friend. Not even a month after moving back in with Leonard I was told by a close friend that Leonard was seen on two online dating sites. He was active on the sites several times a week. I did not say anything about it because I had still been seeing Dre and occasionally having sex with him. It has been over a year and Leonard still has been spotted active on online dating sites. I have still maintained my friendship with Dre and still see him a few times a week and still occasionally have sex with him. I keep telling myself that I am going to stay with Leonard for my child but on the other hand I know that my heart is with Dre. Dre is an amazing man in every single way. I really want to be with Dre and I know we have a once in a lifetime connection, he is willing to go above and beyond to make things work with me. The problem is I also want to see my child every single day and not miss anything. I know if I am with Dre I would have to let Leonard have our child for at least 2 days a week. I do love Leonard but not in the same way that I love Dre and I know Leonard is not the man for me but he is a great father to our child. I do not want Dre out of my life, he is my best friend and I believe he is my true love. I would really like your opinion.

[AskApril Masini]

It’s time to accept reality. 😉 You’ve been in a relationship for 14 years with a chronic cheater. To get revenge, you cheated on him with a man who turned out to be cheating on his girlfriend. Rather than pass moral judgment, I think this might be a good time to accept the reality that Leonard is a chronic cheater — but that you have a child with him. The good news is that Leonard is a great father, and your child deserves to have two great parents, so my advice is to create a 50/50 custody agreement with Leonard so that he has the child half the time, and you have the child the other half the time. I know you don’t want to share your child, but you have to put the needs of your child ahead of yourself. 😉 And if it’s not 50/50, then whatever the timeshare is, make sure that your child has the benefit of both parents. This gives you the knowledge that your child is being well cared for, and that you have time to date Dre, who broke up with his girlfriend to be with you, and with whom you share love, values, and a possible future together. 😉

Let me know if you have any other questions, and please let me know how things go. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

Your story is intense, and the core issue is really about patterns and priorities. You’ve spent 14 years with Leonard, who has repeatedly proven that he’s untrustworthy and self-serving. His cheating, porn use, and manipulation to keep you tied to him show a chronic pattern. You’re emotionally tied to him because of history, your child, and perhaps fear of repeating your own childhood experience with absent parents.

On the other hand, represents what a healthy, committed, loving partnership can look like. You describe him as trustworthy, supportive, and life-enhancing. He’s the “once-in-a-lifetime” connection you’ve been yearning for. The contrast between Dre and Leonard is stark. Dre nourishes your growth and happiness, while Leonard brings stress, betrayal, and instability.

The biggest challenge is custody and parenting. You want to see your child every day, and that’s natural. But prioritizing Leonard’s presence doesn’t mean your child can’t thrive while you pursue a loving, stable relationship with Dre. The best approach, as April suggested, is a structured custody arrangement that ensures your child has quality time with both parents. This allows you to maintain your bond with your child without sacrificing your emotional needs or future happiness.

Emotionally, staying with Leonard for your child’s sake is tempting, but it’s a trap. It risks normalizing chaos and betrayal in your life while preventing you from fully being with the person who truly makes you happy. Your child benefits from seeing you fulfilled, loved, and secure not just present but stressed and compromised in a toxic dynamic.

You need to make a conscious choice: prioritize your long-term happiness and stability with Dre while creating a healthy, fair co-parenting structure with Leonard. This isn’t about abandoning your child; it’s about creating a life where love, integrity, and consistency define your relationships. Dre is your partner, your best friend, and your future while Leonard is the past you can’t rely on romantically, even though he’s your child’s father.

Formalize custody so both parents have clear expectations, emotionally separate your romantic life from Leonard, and commit to Dre fully. You can love your child and give them a strong presence of both parents while finally living your own fulfilled life with Dre. Avoid sliding back into old patterns of on-again/off-again with Leonard, the cost is too high for you and your child.

[Serena Vale]

Lydia, this is a really complicated situation, and I can tell you’re in a tough spot. You’ve been with Leonard for so long, and there’s a deep history there, especially with your child. But then there’s Dre, who feels like your true love, the one who challenges you, makes you better, and brings out the best parts of you.

I understand why you’d be torn. Staying with Leonard, especially with your child involved, seems like the “right” thing to do, but if you’re not truly in love with him, that could create a kind of quiet dissatisfaction that over time, won’t do anyone any good. It might feel stable, but it’s not emotionally fulfilling, and you deserve more than that.

With Dre, it’s clear you have a real connection, something that feels deep and rare. But I also get your concerns about being apart from your child. That’s a huge consideration, but I think it’s important to remember that you can still be a great mom while following your heart. Co-parenting, though challenging, can work if both parents are committed to it.

Ultimately, you need to decide what kind of future you want for yourself, one where you’re living authentically, not holding yourself back out of guilt or obligation. It’s possible to build a life where you can love Dre and still be the mom your child needs. But if you stay with Leonard just to keep the family intact, you might be sacrificing your happiness and your emotional well-being in the long run.

You deserve to be loved fully, the way Dre seems to love you, and you deserve to be with someone who supports and uplifts you. It won’t be easy, but sometimes the hardest choices are the ones that allow you to live your truth. Trust your heart. It knows what’s best for you.

[Sally]

You have been living in two worlds for years, and both of them pull at you in ways that feel impossible to choose between. But here is the quiet truth you already know: staying with Leonard is not about love. It is about fear. Fear of losing time with your child. Fear of repeating what happened in your own childhood. Fear of breaking the family picture you wish you had growing up.

But Leonard has not been faithful, has not been honest, and has not been a partner you can lean on. You have stayed because of your child, not because the relationship gives you anything real. And your child will feel that someday, kids always do.

And Dre… he is not a fantasy. You have had years of seeing who he is. He treats you with care, respect, and consistency. The way you talk about him is not confusion, it is clarity you are scared to act on.

But you cannot keep living like this. Not for yourself, not for Dre, and not for your child. Staying with Leonard out of guilt and fear will eat at you, and eventually it will spill into the home your child grows up in.

If your heart is with Dre, and it clearly is, then the honest path is to end things with Leonard cleanly, co parent in a way that actually works, and stop trying to build a life out of obligation.

You will not lose your child. You will lose the illusion that staying in a broken relationship is the only way to be a good parent.
What your child needs most is a mother who is not living divided in half. And you deserve a life where your love is not a secret you sneak around to feel.

[Tara]

You’re addicted to chaos, attention, and the emotional drama you helped create. You’ve built an entire lifestyle around betrayal his, yours, then his again, then yours again until infidelity became the oxygen your relationship breathes. You call it “connection.” It’s dysfunction wearing perfume.
Let’s cut the theatrics.

Leonard isn’t complicated. He’s a serial cheater who manipulates you using your child. He’s not a partner he’s a cycle. A predictable one. He cheats, you break up, you go back, repeat. You’ve normalized disrespect to the point where you rationalize his tactics as “being a great father.” Being present doesn’t erase being toxic.

Now Dre. You’ve turned him into a romantic fantasy because he’s the one place you escape to when you can’t stand what Leonard puts you through. He’s your refuge not your discipline. But let’s not pretend: you’ve dragged Dre through the same emotional wreckage you claim to be escaping from. You call it “fate,” but you’ve treated him like a backup plan for years.

And here’s the core truth you refuse to say out loud:
You didn’t stay with Leonard “for your child.”
You stayed because you’re terrified of being alone without a guaranteed safety net.
Your child is your excuse.
Leonard is your habit.
Dre is your fantasy.
And you are the common denominator.
You speak like these events “happened to you.” They didn’t. You made every single choice that kept the mess alive and now you want someone to bless the chaos with a moral justification.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s hard not to feel the weight of everything you’ve lived through, years of betrayal, years of trying to build something stable out of something that was never solid, years of going back because of history, obligation, and a child who deserves better than the emotional chaos that’s been surrounding all of this. What stands out most is that you’ve been trying to parent your way into a relationship that doesn’t exist. You’ve been trying to force loyalty, safety, and family structure out of someone who has shown you over and over again that he isn’t capable of providing those things. Leonard may be a good father, but as a partner he has been consistent only in one area: repeating the same hurtful patterns. And deep down, you already know you can’t keep sacrificing your peace, your dignity, and your emotional health just to keep a household intact on paper. That’s not the environment your child deserves to grow up in either.

On the other side of this story is a connection that was real, steady, uplifting, and transformative. What you described with Dre isn’t just chemistry, it’s compatibility, emotional safety, respect, and mutual growth. You became a better version of yourself around him, and he made choices that showed commitment in a way Leonard never has. The tragedy here isn’t that you chose Leonard once; it’s that you’ve stayed stuck in the belief that choosing stability for your child means choosing instability for yourself. That isn’t true. Children thrive on emotional security, not just a shared roof. And emotional security comes from parents who are healthy, grounded, and not constantly absorbing stress, disappointment, and betrayal.

The real crossroads here isn’t between Leonard and Dre, it’s between continuing a cycle that drains you, or choosing a life that aligns with your heart, your values, and your long-term well-being. You’re imagining that leaving Leonard means “losing” your child for two days a week, but what it actually means is sharing your child with someone who loves them, while giving yourself the freedom to stop living half a life. Equal parenting time doesn’t make you less of a mother. It makes you a mother who is choosing to build a healthy emotional future for both of you. And it’s worth remembering: you staying in a broken relationship “for your child” teaches them that unhappy love is normal, that disrespect is normal, that conflict and secrecy are part of family life. You deserve better, and your child deserves to see you model what healthy love actually looks like.

Your heart is telling you something very clearly and it has been for a long time. You know where you feel seen, valued, chosen, and safe. You know where the future feels bright, not burdensome. It isn’t selfish to choose the life that aligns with that. It’s responsible. It’s courageous. And it’s long overdue. Whatever you decide, your child will still have two parents. But you only get one life and right now, it’s time to choose the one where you are honest with yourself, free from the patterns that have kept you stuck, and open to the love you already know exists for you.

[Member]

Posts