[Healingheart]

I guess I need to start with my boyfriend is married but they have been separated for 4 years and they have a 4 year old. We have been together 4 years and we have a 18 month old. If that isn’t drama enough…well I just can’t deal with his other baby! I’ve tried but it’s agonizing! He says he didn’t cheat on me but I feel like he has and this child is a constant reminder. I understand he has to have a relationship with his child but I can’t stand that he does. I feel like such a horrible person so I agree to home visits and outings that make me so miserable on the inside! I need help before I explode. I must say that I was unaware of there relationship at first when I found out that she was pregnant we had been together for several months even living together. However, his wife has been in the past very disrespectful however now I feel she is using her child as a ploy to continue it. I thinks she dangles a divorce as a bargaining chip to keep him around by saying I will pay for the divorce if things are good between them. He is unemployed to take of our child so she won’t have to go to day care. I know I’m wrong on so many levels for being with her husband but he has been my man way longer than they been married and I was under the impression when we met that they were legally separated and waiting for the time to pass to get the divorce. Help me please handle all these emotions or rationalize why I feel they way I do.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re not wrong. You’ve just made some big mistakes and you’re having trouble accepting responsibility for your part in them. If you can do that, you’ll feel better about your life in the long run.

It’s very easy for me or anyone else to remind you that a man who is legally separated is very much a married man, and that you’ve been dating a married man all along. Legal separation isn’t divorce. I’m sure you’re aware of that, even though you don’t like to say it out loud. I’m not passing ANY judgment on you, but I want to remind you that you chose to be with someone who is and has been legally committed to another woman since you started dating him, and he’s refused to get divorced during the entire four years you’ve been together. He’s also cheated on you and had a child with his wife, so he’s got two kids, one with you, one with her, and they’re both about the same age, and the kicker is that he is unemployed. Your challenge is to try not to spin these facts, and just say them out loud and accept them. When you deny or try to bend the truth, you do yourself a disservice.

I know you feel competitive with his wife, and angry at his child, but it might be in your best interest to think about why that is so you can decide what to do next. 😉 I’d like to suggest to you that your real anger is not really towards his child or his wife….. you’re probably mad at yourself for picking this guy who doesn’t make you a priority, and never did — and staying with him. 😕

My advice is that you accept responsibility for the mistakes you made and think about what it is you really want, and then go for it. 😉 It’s very difficult to sit back and read your post, and think that a guy who has two young kids, and isn’t working, even at a minimum wage job to help support his kids, has good character. And when someone has poor character, you should be realistic and expect more poor choices from him. Don’t forget that he was also cheating on his pregnant wife with you — and as much as you want to spin that, I’d ask you to think about someone who does that. Overall, I hope you’ll focus on yourself, and if you decide that you want a man who puts you first, then you’ll have to look elsewhere. This guy will never do that.

I hope this helps.

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[Healingheart]

Thanks I think your advice is what I needed even if it’s not what I wanted to hear. Thanks again!

[AskApril Masini]

I understand. 🙁

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