[Monika66]

Hi,

My fiance and I have come to cross-roads, I don’t want to take his surname because I really don’t like it and it’s very hard to spell, and it doesn’t sound very nice. I also don’t want my kids having a name no one can understand or spell.

He says he feels like it would be imasculating him and that it really upsets him that I don’t want to take his surname.

Well, I would also be very upset if I took his surname.

I have suggested that he could take my surname, we could alter the spelling of his surname, or choose a completely new surname for both of us to start fresh with. Or… a blend of both of our surnames. Or… I just keep my surname and he keeps his until we have kids and then we are back to the same issue.

Do you have any advice?

Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

By asking him to take your last name, or surname, you’ve pretty much emasculated him in one fell swoop.

It is traditional for a woman to take a man’s last name, and for her children by him to take his last name. Your future children will probably feel more comfortable taking their father’s last name, no matter how unattractive or weird it is, rather than having a different last name than their father by taking their mother’s maiden name. And if they ever find out that they don’t have their father’s last name, and that he wanted them to, they are going to have some problems reconciling what happened. Children like tradition and consistency. So if you’re being honest, at least admit that it’s easier for your future children to have the norm — their father’s last name, regardless of how unattractive it is. You’re the only one who doesn’t like it.

Many women change their names to their husbands’ names, legally, but they use their maiden name for their work where they’ve already established a career if they marry after they’ve got a career under their belts. This is more of a career compromise than just not liking a name that their husband brings. But, it is a compromise you may want to adopt.

But, legally changing your name when you marry is not just a tradition, it makes lots of legalities like taxes, passports and other business matters like credit cards and medical records easier for the outside world to understand. Sometimes when women divorce they change their name back to their maiden name to let the outside world know they’re no longer married. But if they have children, often, they keep their married name for the sake of the kids — so that they all have the same name, as a family — divorced or “in tact”. And some women who divorce actually keep their married name even after the divorce as a nod to the decisions that they’ve made in their own lives and out of respect to the marriage that they had, even if it ended.

Marriage is a social convention, and if you’re going to take that convention, it makes a lot of sense to adopt the convention of taking your husband’s name.

Aside from convention, if you reject your fiance’s last name, you’re rejecting a part of him — and a part of his family. This is not a good way to start a marriage. There’s a clause in the marriage vow that says “for better or for worse” and it’s referring to lots of situations — including a lousy last name. You don’t know what the future may bring, and one day your fiance and future husband may not like some part of you or your family, but with any luck and character, he will accept it because it’s part of you. You would be wise to do the same now, starting with taking his last name if that is what he wants. It’s a small compromise to make in a marriage that should last the rest of your life.

[Monika66]

Thanks April, I see what you mean. It’s just that I’ve always had compliments from people on how nice my name is, both first and surname together. Now I will be spelling it out to everyone and no one will understand what my surname is.
To me a name is a superficial thing which can be changed just like your hairstyle or make up. My dad changed his name when he came out to Australia because people wouldn’t be able to pronounce or spell it – and he didn’t want that hassle. I don’t either.
What if I kept my surname and my kids took my fiances surname?
I actually think the kids will wonder how I let them take such a difficult surname.
But I guess you are right, it’s a small compromise to make, but one which will be with me for every day of my life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The important thing is not the surname, it’s spelling, it’s weirdness or it’s changeability. The important thing is your relationship with your fiance. If he has strong feelings about [i]you[/i] taking his name when you marry, as a part of [i]his[/i] family tradition, that should trump spelling of the name. If your fiance sees your taking his name as an important part of your relationship, then you should do it.

What you need to understand is that when your father changed his own name, he did it himself. Your fiance doesn’t want to change his name, and he wants you to take it. When you tell him you don’t like his name and you don’t want to take it, it’s emasculating. This is very different from your father changing his own name. You’re not the man. You’re the woman. You have to respect the man in your relationship — your husband (not your father), and you have to honor him as you begin your marriage.

Marriage is a tradition that is conventional. As the woman, you get the better jewelry in an engagement and a marriage. He gets to start a family by giving his bride his family name. Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the wedding, and sometimes the groom’s family kicks in, but the bride’s family is usually the planning family. People honor these timely traditions as part of the convention of marriage. Be careful when you start writing your own rules — because you’re giving him carte blanche to write his own, too. This is not a good start.

Your family is just one of two families that are blending as you and your fiance marry. There are traditions on both sides of the newly blended family, and this tradition honors the man and his family. You would be wise to go along with it.

There are a lot of compromises to be made in long term relationships and marriage. Get used to them. Taking his surname is at most a nuisance to you and a big step to him. His feelings trump your inconvenience. Trust me, that at some point in your marriage and life together, you’ll want something from him that he doesn’t understand or agree with, and he’ll be able to remember how you did this for him. For instance, you may want to stay home and raise your children — while he may think it doesn’t make sense, for you it’s a big deal. He’ll be able to remember that you took his name even though you didn’t think it was going to be a good idea, but you did it for him.

These kinds of compromises are what make marriages work and what make spouses feel good about each other. When you’re single you’re used to doing things your own way all the time. It’s tough to get used to sharing and compromising, but this is a great place to start. And, it’s a great story you can tell your future children one day when they need to learn about compromise.

[Ethan Morales]

April’s advice reflects a traditional perspective, and there are some practical and emotional points that make sense but there are also nuances to consider in modern relationships. Here’s how I’d break it down:

Tradition vs. personal preference. Traditionally, women take the husband’s surname, and this can feel important to some men, especially emotionally or symbolically. But tradition alone doesn’t automatically outweigh your feelings. A healthy marriage is a partnership, and compromise should go both ways.

Children’s surnames. April is right that many children do benefit from sharing a last name with a parent it can make legal matters simpler, and it avoids potential confusion. That said, there are many blended or hyphenated options that work perfectly fine today without being socially or legally problematic.

Emotional impact. April emphasizes that rejecting his surname could feel like rejecting a part of him or his family. That’s truenit can be sensitive, so it’s important to approach the conversation with empathy. But similarly, taking a name you truly dislike can create resentment, which also affects a relationship.

Compromise options. Your suggestions hyphenation, blending, creating a new name, or keeping separate surnames are all valid compromises. The key is open dialogue: why the name matters to each of you, what traditions you value, and what’s flexible.

Practical approach. Consider: Legal simplicity: One surname for kids may help with schools, medical records, and passports. Career considerations: If one of you has an established professional identity, keeping a maiden name for work can be a good compromise. Symbolic meaning: Discuss what the surname represents emotionally to each of you.

This isn’t just about a name it’s about setting a precedent for how you make compromises and resolve conflicts in your marriage. Neither side “wins”; the goal is a solution that respects both of your feelings while keeping the family unit functional.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s part of your identity, your history, and even your pride in how it sounds and feels. That’s completely valid. A name carries meaning, and wanting to preserve that is natural, especially when you’ve received compliments and feel it represents who you are. On the other hand, I also feel your fiancé’s perspective. For him, a surname isn’t just a word; it’s a connection to his family, his identity, and the tradition he values. When he feels strongly about you taking his name, it can feel to him like an affirmation of your union and respect for his family.

What strikes me is that this is less about letters on paper and more about honoring each other’s feelings and the foundation you’re building together. Compromise in marriage is rarely about choosing the “right” answer, it’s about valuing the other person enough to meet them halfway, even when it feels inconvenient or unfamiliar. By choosing to take his name, even if you feel it’s awkward or cumbersome, you are demonstrating respect and love for him, and for the union you’re about to create. It doesn’t erase your identity, it just blends it with another layer of partnership.

And here’s the heart of it, darling: traditions exist because they create a framework for families to navigate change, especially in a marriage. If you begin your life together with an open heart and a willingness to honor his wishes in something as symbolic as a surname, it sets the tone for compromise and mutual respect in the many other decisions you’ll make as a couple. It’s a small sacrifice that carries emotional weight for him, and it’s one that can strengthen your bond rather than diminish yours. Your love and connection are the real legacy, the name is just the vessel.

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