[Anonymous]

I gave my boyfriend a marriage ultimatum. We’ve been together over 3 years, he’s 37, never been married, and I’m 47, divorced, we’ve lived together for over 2 years. To make a long story short, we actually WERE engaged to be married for over a year. I wasn’t in a huge hurry to actually get married, sort of enjoyed being engaged, but finally when I began planning a wedding last summer, he asked me to hold off because we had been having some problems (none of which seemed all that major to me, but apparantly they were to him) and he wanted to make sure that marriage was the right thing for us. We did some counseling, he told me that he WAS ready to get married, I start planning a wedding again…and he tells me that he’s still not sure about how he feels. After a few months of this, we split up, I give back the ring, and he moves away…and then 6 weeks later he asks to come back because he loves me and wants to try to work things out. He came back, but this time we didn’t get re-engaged…we are taking it slow and seeing how things work out. That was in early December. Then, his job sends him on a project in a distant city and the project will last for at least a year, and he is only home every-other weekend. Meanwhile, I am growing increasingly uneasy about the fact that he STILL hasn’t asked me to marry him again. I feel as if I’ve already invested 3.5 years in this relationship and now he’s asking me to put in another year when we will be living mostly apart, and he will only be home 4 days a month…and I’m only willing to do this if I am his WIFE…not his girlfriend. I need to know that he’s as committed to this as I am. I love him and have no doubt that we could be happy together forever…but he is apparantly not as sure. Because when I told him that we had to either get married or break up, he chose the break up. I wasn’t a game I was playing, it was how I truly felt…the ultimatum came from the right place. He says things like “we just aren’t ready for marriage’, “you didn’t love me enough to give me the time I needed”, and “you need to move on with your life”. But then he tells me how miserable he is, how hurt he is, how much he loves me and that he “would have” gotten to the point where he was ready if I’d given him time. Yet, he says that he is “keeping an open mind” on the marriage issue, as if he isn’t 100% sure yet if it’s over between us, but he doesn’t want to give me “false hope”, but he’s “pretty sure” he isn’t ready. Why continue to say things like that if there isn’t a possibility that he might marry me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Actions speak louder than words and both you and your boyfriend are betraying your true feelings. He doesn’t want to get married, but is living like he is, and you’re living like you’re married, but you aren’t, and you want to be. 😳 Since you can’t change him, you need to focus on what you can change to make yourself happier — and that’s (wait for it…..) YOU! 🙂

You are correct in being concerned that you’re wasting your time, and let me validate those feelings for you: you are. You’re acting like the mother of a child instead of a woman who’s worth marrying. It’s time for you to end this relationship because your boyfriend has proved incapable of marrying you in spite of huge opportunities to do so that you’ve allowed him. You know what you want, but you’ve chosen a man who isn’t going to give it to you. Now, it’s time to get back out there and find a man who can.

The break up here is the trick, and you have to be clear and strong. He will ultimately come crying back to you like he has in the past, and your job is to know who he is when he does this — a guy who loves you, but can’t give you what you want.

No more ultimatums. (Always a bad idea.) Just change your own behavior for your own good.

I hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

i have been dating my boyfriend for three years now and the issue with us is that he is older than i am. i’m 19 and he’s 29 so it was a big deal at the beginning for us to date but after a while everyone noticed he was a great guy and i love him to death. my family has nothing against our relationship because he’s a very good guy but there is one problem. he feels that he’s more experienced and every time we argue he has the last word saying how immature i am because he never wants to hear what i have to say. every argument isnt just an argument its a break up where i dont know about him for weeks and sometimes maybe a month. i try to talk things out and see whats bothering us but he just ignores me completely and wont answer any calls or text messages. i choose to just let him come back on his own but i love him so much and we are in a place in our relationship where i dont want any arguments or more break ups. my family is the kind to mind their business but when they see how much he leaves me and i’m left crying and in depression they get angry because they know the love i have for him and he shows that he doesnt really care whether it ends or not since he’s always leaving me. he told me to tell my dad and everyone that it was really over because he wouldnt be coming over to visit my house anymore. i’m a very family oriented person and i told my family that we were over to avoid them asking where he was. turns out he wanted to speak to my dad to end things right by saying that we just didnt work out and blah blah blah and my dad agreed but on the phone my dad was very honest and told him that he was upset about the relationship and how he felt that i didnt deserve someone who leaves me for any reason and its always on and off. after a long time with no contact we finally had a talk and saw each other again we were ok for a couple of weeks but i decided to confront him because he wouldnt come over to my house anymore and i would have to go see him. i told him it bothered me that now it would have to be that way and that my dad just wants the best for me and it bothered him but he said he will not ever come back to my home again. i missed him so much i would go over to see him every weekend but i couldnt take it anymore how he wouldnt show effort to come see me and just maybe prove me and my family wrong if he really loves me so i gave him the ultimatum! in order for him to see me agian he would have to come to my home and see me and set things straight because after all if we do want this to work they will always be my family. so now im worried did i do the right thing or is it just worst? he will probably not contact me again for long but im a little confused if what i said was right

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ultimatums are rarely a good idea. The reason is that you’re forcing someone to do what he doesn’t want to do. If he wanted to see you, or do what you wanted him to do (see you at your house), he’d do it without you trying to pull a power play. He’d do it because he wanted to, and he’d want to because it pleased you. But this guy isn’t into you and he’s been very clear about it.

Your problems have nothing to do with age. You’re not compatible. 🙁 I’m sorry you’re hurt, but you will get over this guy — if you stay away from him. It’s time to start a new chapter in your life — without him. Focus on yourself and your family and friends and start doing new things — like volunteering, taking classes, throwing a party, adopting a pet, or any number of things you’ve always wanted to do, but never got around to. Taking your mind off of the break up will help, and time apart will help you understand you’re better off without this guy.

Come see me on Facebook, too, where you’ll meet lots of other AskApril fans at this link: [url][/url]. Become a member of my group there — and we can talk more!

[Stephanie Ellise]

Giving an ultimatum is not a good idea. If he can’t give what you want, like marriage, I think it’s time to step back and move on. Maybe you’ll meet someone that can marry you without giving an ultimatum. Never settle for less. Find a man who can give you assurance make you happy.

[Member]

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