[Anonymous]

I’m having a really hard time figuring this guy out.. We have been dating 8 months and for the most part it has gone very well. He acts like an interested, commited boyfriend.(most of the time)
He spends nearly everyday with me. We talk several times a day on the phone. He is affectionate and as caring as I think he is capable of. He does nice things without being asked and helps me when I do ask.

Now here lies the problem.. He has brought up the fact that he does not know if he “will ever want to get married”.. Now none of this converstation has been prompted by me EVER!! I mean we are only 8 months in and I am a little bit of a commitment phobe.. So I AM NOT THE ONE BRINGING THIS UP!!!!!!!!!! It is HIM everytime! I just agree with him and say yes honey I feel the sameway and am not ready for anything right now either. If it happens one day for me great if not then I will be ok with that too. So I have heard the “I don’t know if I will every be ready to get married”speach about 100 times now.. I belive him, do not think I will change his mind or he will someday wake up and go I feel like getting married today.. I am OK with his idea on this subject because it’s not really that big of a deal to me.
Now again I want to really stress that I do NOT EVER BRING THIS UP OR GIVE MESSAGES TO MAKE HIM THINK I’M WANTING TO GET MARRIED!!!
With that said we have now hit the very mixed messages that I have no idea how to react to.
Such as…

We were in a gas station and I had to spell my last name for the lady at the counter.. I have a very long, hard to spell and pronounce last name.. He says I bet you get tired of doing that don’t you.. I of course retort yes and I always said I would marry a Smith or a Jones because of it.. LOL He looks straight at me and says why not a (“”””””) his last name which is also very common and easy to spell.. Ummmm Hello my little commitment phobe you don’t want to get married!!!
Again we are talking about moving in together he says he is not comfortable with that because we are not married and that is just the way he was raised… Ok get your crap out of my house then

Then this morning he says to me you should marry a preacher.. I said I don’t want to marry a preacher or anyone for that matter and he retorts with “I know you have made that very very clear many times”
These little comments were all just this week.. I have many many more from past weeks

We will be having a converstation that has nothing to do with marriage, just some kind of simple converstation and out of the blue he will say “what are you wanting me to propose to you?” or “So you want to marry me huh?”

I just don’t get it!!!!!!! I don’t know if he is hinting at something and I am just pushing him away by saying NO I don’t want that.. But I also fear he is just testing me so that he knows when it’s a good time to run if I am thinking I would like to marry him..

I just don’t know how to handle this.. HELP

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Usually when readers write me about their confusion in relationships, I advise them to look at the reality and they won’t be confused, but in your case, your boyfriend is clearly confusing you — because he’s confused, himself. He’s so unsettled about marriage that he’s projecting his insecurity and discomfort onto you, and confusing you with his statements that appear to you (because you’re not inside his head) to be out of context. You didn’t do anything to prompt this behavior. This is his thing.

What is troubling him, internally, has to do with his past. Either he’s been burned in the past, and he’s trying to head you off at the pass by semi-rejecting you and telling you he’s not ready to be married (over and over and over) so that you don’t reject him first, which may have been his own history with women. Or, he really does want to marry you, and he is having trouble dealing with that, so he’s testing the waters by telling you he doesn’t want to marry you (over and over and over) to see what your reaction is, without putting himself on the line for a possible rejection.

Here’s where you can change some of your behavior:

You see, the fact that you’re very up front with him that you don’t want to get married, and if it happens it happens, is so direct and clear, that it’s scaring him. He’s not feeling direct, and he’s not feeling clear, and the fact that you are is pushing his buttons (maybe without his knowing it). Men like to be in charge — especially in a dating situation, and your directness, while it may be refreshing in business situations or with your family and girlfriends, isn’t necessarily appropriate in your relationship with your boyfriend. Sometimes being coy, and saying nothing, is better than giving your opinion. When he tells you he doesn’t want to get married, rather than responding that you don’t either, and thereby rejecting him without intending to, try saying, “Really? That’s too bad. You’re going to disappoint a lot of women!” Or else say something like, “That’s too bad, because it would be really great to wake up in a bed to you every morning for the rest of my life.” Flirting is an amazing tonic. You should try it.

If you let him feel like he’s worth marrying, then he’s going to feel better about himself — and you haven’t given anything up. Not really, since you’re not against marriage. You don’t have to be candid about everything all the time.

Try that and see if it works!

[Anonymous]

Thank You for the quick response!

I think you are dead on with this having to do with his past. In his one and only serious relationship of sevearl years his ex was deadset on getting married and pushed the issue. When he was not quick enough to act (I guess he was willing to marry her) she walked out and was married within months of the breakup to someone else.. I know this did and still does have an affect on him.
I’m not sure how to react to that.. With that said are you suggestions for my actions still the same?

Also thanks for pointing out I am to direct I have a problem with that and I do need to work on it!

Thanks Again!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the compliments, and I’m glad I could help!

As for changes you can make and how to proceed, re-read what I wrote about toning down your directness. Practice not professing your feelings about marriage at all! I know that’s going to be a change for you to not speak your mind, but try it and see how it works for you. If you don’t elaborate so much — or even comment at all on your feelings about marriage, there’s going to be space in the conversation that he may use to expound on his own feelings. With your patience and listening, and his fear that he needs to have a strong and current opinion on marriage melts away, he’ll gain confidence in his ability to accept his past, and move on from it. You will be the one who benefits from that good work.

So try dialing down the directness, leaving space in the conversations for him to fill in with his processing marriage and his past, and show him you’re interested and empathetic (assuming you are). You’ll build deeper layers of intimacy in the relationship as well.

Good luck!

[Member]

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