[Teach76]

A man has pursued me actively for 2 years, but lives in another state. His contact has been constant except for a short period he was in a relationship. He has mailed me gifts on my birthday. He paid for airfare/reservations 2 years ago, and recently returned to visit yet again. I have remained friendly but haven’t had interest and reciprocated his advances until we recently began to really get to know each other more.

While together this last visit, I really fell for him and things became VERY intense and the romance was there. He was so amazing and treated me like a princess and paid for everything, got the doors, my chair, etc. He even spoke of returning to see me “next time”. He left to go home and I was very upset missing hime, yet hopeful. His visit was a month ago, yet we have had daily contact of some sort. (with him initiating, not me). A couple weeks back, I told him that since we had crossed the friendship line, it felt “grey” and I either needed to step back and stop talking to him long enough to slow down my feelings, or we needed to talk about how to continue a romantic relationship to be fair to both of us. He said that he didn’t like the idea of the long distance relationship because we couldn’t “really” know one another and he his ex wife had tried that and it may have led to their divorce ultimately (not knowing each other well enough before marriage), but he may try to move to my state at “some point”. He said he absolutely didn’t want to lose me, and he had feelings for me and knew we were very similar people. Everytime I post on Facebook, he comments almost immediately and almost on every post. He calls at least once a week or texts almost every other day.

My question is this… if he doesn’t want to be serious with me, then WHY does he keep pursuing so heavily as if we ARE in a relationship? Why would he work that hard and where do I go from here? He does not seem like the type to play, says he is looking for marriage. Do I move on, or wait until he finds someone else and I am devastated by it? I just don’t think this is good for my heart… but I don’t want to lose a man I feel might be my soul mate, either… Advice, please!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]My question is this… if he doesn’t want to be serious with me, then WHY does he keep pursuing so heavily as if we ARE in a relationship? [/quote]

Because he likes you, but doesn’t want the same commitment you do. You actually do have a relationship, but it’s not what you’re looking for. You want something more consistent and clear. He likes things the way they are.

[quote]Why would he work that hard and where do I go from here? [/quote]

He’s working hard at the relationship because he likes the way it’s going. Where you go from here depends on what you want. You have to be very honest with yourself about what you want; what you’re willing to do and not do; and what your relationship goals are.

[quote]He does not seem like the type to play, says he is looking for marriage. Do I move on, or wait until he finds someone else and I am devastated by it?[/quote]

A man’s behavior trumps his language, so regardless of what he’s saying, what he’s doing is going to determine his intentions. It sounds like this two year relationship only just got serious for you, and he isn’t quite ready to move closer to you. Long distance relationships have special challenges — which you’re beginning to understand — and they’re not for everyone. If you believe he is interested in marriage, and you think that you can get to know each other enough for him to make a decision in a time frame that works for you, then you should continue to hang in there. But you are taking a risk that he may decide that after getting to know you further, you’re not the one for him, and he isn’t really interested in moving close to you to get to know you further right now. He’s also probably dating other women as well. My advice is to hone in on what you want, when, and what your gut is telling you about his ability to be your Mr. Right.

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[Teach76]

I want a serious committed, monogamous relationship that will lead to marriage.

Do men really pursue harder or do they just give up and get frustrated if you stop responding to them? He is close to 50 so I hope he is past the playing days, but who knows.

With him, I sort of swing between wanting to flirt with him and talk like a dear friend, then thinking I should just ignore him completely to protect my heart since there is so much unknown. You are right, it just recently became serious for me and I fell pretty hard and unexpectedly. He is a great catch. I just don’t understand him dropping SO MUCH money on travel to see me… I really don’t and I wouldn’t do that unless I felt there might be a future with someone.

Any advice for how to treat the situation and how to respond to his CONSTANT contact from here out? (It is all the time and has been consistent for two years…)

Thank you so much for your answer earlier…it made perfect sense.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You still didn’t mention your time frame. I don’t know how old you are, or if you want children, but those are important factors in what you want — and from whom. Two years of dating is a long time to finally decide that this is the person you want to spend your life with — unless you’re very young and weren’t ready for marriage until recently. So figure out what your time frame is now. 😉

Then, the tricky part is figuring out how serious he is. He’s happy with the way things are, it seems, and if he has no intention of marrying within the next year or two (or whatever that time frame is for him), then you have to decide if you want to risk waiting or not.

But there are ways you can calculate your risk. For instance, you can judge how ready a man is to marry by the way he treats you. If he introduces you to his friends and family he’s a lot more serious than if he doesn’t. If he starts bringing you to couples events and introducing you at important business social events (like a Christmas party, for instance), and traveling with you, he’s showing the world that you’re his. However, if he’s keeping you on the down low so that nobody knows about you, he may be more interested in the status quo — permanently.

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[Teach76]

I am 37, we have both been married previously, divorced 10 years each. We both have kids and not really looking for more of them. I would like to (hopefully) be married by 40, but we all know things don’t always work the way we hope!

I’m just not sure how to respond to his contact…. blow him off or keep being friendly. I know I can’t stay in the unknown area too long.

Thanks again!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Give yourself a time limit. If he’s introducing you to family and friends, giving you significant jewelry and it looks like he’s moving towards marriage because his behavior is changing and focusing on you being someone very special to him — and the people in his world, then you can stay a little longer, but if he’s not, at his age, and after two years of dating, understand that he’s not interested in anything more than what you have — and that it’s time for you to move on if you want more. 😉

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[Teach76]

Okay, here it is reposted as a reply. I will say that I saw a doctor today and felt hope for the first time in awhile. I am going to be given a new medication to try and looking at an endocrinologist to check hormone levels. It may be that some of the reaction to the issue is larger than it normally would be due to underlying depression….however… I have to look at what triggered me too…

————————————————————————————————————————–
I need serious help..to the point I am going to a therapist/doctor tomorrow to seek treatment because I am so distraught and depressed. I wrote here earlier about a man who pursued heavily for 2 years. He visited twice from several states, at a very large expense to himself, and he kept VERY regular contact…like a man in a relationship would. I KNEW he cared for me. I tried to back off a bit after he left from his visit and he STILL continued pursuit while saying we couldn’t manage a long distance relationship.

I guess my bitterness and self anger has taken over and I feel he was unfair to me also, which has lead to SEVERE depression. Right now, I can’t get out of bed because I feel hope is simply gone. I haven’t met anyone like him that I connected to and now a friendship is also gone due to our romantic involvement plus I feel as if I met possibly one of the best guys I’ve ever known.

He continued pursuing after he left and said things he shouldn’t have (regarding our future and his intent to return and discussions of marriage, moving to my state). After two phone calls he verbally committed to but didn’t live up to, and some behavior that was suspect, his calls have slowed down just this week.

This situation was my fault for becoming intimate with him, but I absolutely do not think I was crazy in thinking he was serious from the things he told me, which led me to feel that I was safe with him (over 2 years). My friends completely agreed when I asked them to assess as well. I don’t know how to trust men…it seems this always happens and they will say anything. So that leaves me being very wary and fearful of being vulnerable. Is he really a BAD guy and I didn’t see it… was I played? I feel really confused.

Right now, I have to let him go and get power back over my heart and mind regardless. I cannot be in this shape anymore and it is disrupting my life entirely. He wants to remain friends and says he doesn’t want to lose me. Part of me worries that it will shut down any future possibilities if I blow him off. However, I am suffering greatly because I am in love with him.

He is a Facebook friend and CONSTANTLY comments on ALL of my posts. Any advice how to help me move on? Is it a knee jerk reaction to unfriend him to help get my feet back to solid ground? …This is what I am thinking I should do but not sure… my emotions are such a wreck that I don’t want to do anything ultra stupid but I have to take care of ME.

Thanks for the help…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is not to be friends with him — friendships between men and women never work, and when an ex-boyfriend wants to be your friend, it’s even worse because one person always feels more than the other. In addition, it’s very hard to feel truly single and be able to move on if you’re friendly with an ex. So it’s time for you to cut off contact with this guy.

Next, you need to change your outlook on dating. If someone doesn’t have the same values and relationship goals that you do, there is absolutely no reason to continue dating them, and you should figure this out at the three month mark — while you’re also dating other men to see what’s out there! The point is that if you’re serious about dating, and you want to get married within the next three years, you have to really be responsible for [i]your[/i] behavior. 😉

Dating isn’t easy when you’re not doing it right, 😕 but it can be rewarding, and most guys aren’t going to be right for you, but if you’re selective and you know yourself, as well as what you want, you can be very successful.

I hope you’ll get out of bed, and start meeting new men today. Just smile at them, and get involved in things you don’t normally. Try a new coffee shop or a new shopping venue and make small talk. Look great, feel great, be outgoing and flirtatious and embrace the possibilities of meeting someone new, with your new attitude and your availability!

You can also read Think & Date Like A Man, which will help you a lot: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

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