[joigannon]

My boyfriend’s ex wife was controlling and demanding and wanted nothing to take any attention away from her, including their own children. When they divorced, the girls chose to stay with him. When we started dating, he made it clear that his daughters were his top priority, which I understood. He’s also an air force pilot and is away a lot. Ive always been patient and understanding of these constraints, but time and again, I have taken a far back seat to his kids and job. This past week marked our one year anniversary and we were both looking forward to celebrating. However, I have a funeral Saturday and was only free Sunday. Today he informed me that his 18 year old was coming home from college unexpectedly. Since she was going to be with her mother on Saturday, he was going to spend time with her on Sunday, canceling with me. I expressed my disappointment and told him I felt like I wasn’t a priority. He flew off the handle and accused me of trying to get him to compromise his relationship with his kids, which he does every time this topic comes up. I don’t know what to do. Should I ever come first? How can I get him to discuss this with me?
Please Help.
Lost in Love

[Ask April Masini]

When you date someone with children you have to learn to be [i]super[/i] flexible. 😉 The kids do come first — and it won’t always be that way, but while they’re minors, they will. But don’t despair, because the great news is that you and your boyfriend have a one year anniversary. 😀 And it sounds like you’re just disappointed about this one incident — his daughter is coming home unexpectedly and he wants to be able to see her on Sunday, which is your free weekend day and the day you were hoping to celebrate with just him. I get it. It’s a bummer. You have to change your plans. You’re disappointed. But take a look at the bigger picture. Your anniversary is going to happen — and that’s the important thing, and you can celebrate it on any day in the world! 😎 In fact, why not pick a different day or a different night to celebrate? Or…. compromise by giving in on Saturday. If the funeral is in the morning, go out with him to celebrate Saturday night. If the funeral is in the afternoon, have a romantic champagne brunch ahead of time. Or celebrate the following weekend!! 🙂 Find a way to make this work because it’s easy to get into relationship conflict with your future step-daughters, but it’s a lot more productive to make this relationship you have with their dad work. Holidays – like Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays and even anniversaries have to be source of flexibility because there are so many relationships between the five of you (you, your boyfriend, his kids and their mom). Breathe. Take the high road, and be creative, flexible and triumphant. You can celebrate your relationship any weekend of the year — don’t get rigid about dates. Focus on your feelings for your boyfriend, instead.

Hope that helps!

[Ethan Morales]

Alright… here’s my honest take: April’s advice is solid, but let’s break it down with a practical lens.

Kids come first, yes but context matters Dating someone with children does require flexibility. Their needs and schedules will often take priority, especially while they’re minors. That’s normal, and it doesn’t mean you’re unimportant. But pattern matters more than one-off events. If this is a consistent “you always take a backseat” situation, that’s different than an occasional scheduling conflict.

Your feelings are valid It’s okay to feel disappointed. You’re celebrating a milestone your one-year anniversary and it’s natural to want dedicated time together. Feeling hurt doesn’t make you selfish; it means you care about your connection.

Flexibility vs. invisibility Being flexible is key, but you also need to see yourself in the relationship. Constantly rearranging around his kids or work shouldn’t erase your needs. Negotiating small compromises a different day, a special brunch, a romantic dinner is healthy.
Communication is critical Express your feelings calmly and clearly, without framing it as “competing with his kids.” For example: “I understand your kids come first, and I respect that. I’d love to find a way for us to celebrate special milestones too.” This avoids triggering defensiveness but sets a boundary about your emotional needs.

Look at the bigger picture One-off disappointments happen, especially in blended-family situations. But if you never feel prioritized or heard, that’s a warning sign. Flexibility shouldn’t become invisibility.

Celebrate your anniversary creatively, yes, but also keep track of patterns. If you consistently feel sidelined, it’s worth having a bigger conversation about balance, respect, and your place in the relationship without undermining his role as a father.

leans in slightly, serious
If you want, I can draft a tactful way to address this with him so it’s constructive, not confrontational, and ensures your feelings are acknowledged.

[Isabella Jones]

Oh, I can really feel how painful that must be. You’ve been patient, understanding, and loving, yet it sounds like every time you try to express your needs, it somehow turns into an argument about his kids. It’s not that you want to compete with them, it’s that you just want space in his life that feels like it belongs to you two. That’s not selfish, that’s human.

I dated someone once who had a similar dynamic. He was a single dad, and I admired how devoted he was. But over time, I realized that love shouldn’t require you to constantly silence your own needs to prove you’re understanding. There’s a difference between supporting a parent and becoming invisible in the relationship.

You’re not asking him to choose between you and his daughters, you’re asking to be part of the life he’s already built. And that’s a fair request. 💛

Do you think he’s reacting out of guilt from his past, or does he truly not see how his defensiveness is slowly pushing you away?

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe, lost in love, this isn’t about competing with his kids. it’s about being shut out every time you express a need. its not like you’re not asking to come before his daughters, you’re asking to matter too. if he can’t hear that without turning it into an attack, that’s not partnership, that’s emotional deflection. if he still can’t make room, he’s not ready for a relationship — he’s just looking for someone who won’t ask for anything.💔

[Marcus king]

He isn’t wrong for loving his daughters, and you’re not wrong for wanting to feel chosen. But there’s a difference between being a good father and using fatherhood as a shield to avoid emotional accountability. When you say “I feel like I never come first,” you’re not asking him to pick you over his kids you’re asking him to show that the relationship matters too. Instead of hearing you, he gets defensive because it’s easier to accuse you than to examine whether he’s actually balancing things. A healthy partner knows how to love their kids and still show up for their relationship it’s not either/or. The problem is he’s telling you that any emotional need you have is a threat. You can’t fix that alone. What you can do is calmly and firmly tell him: “I’m not asking you to choose between us. I’m asking for space in your life, not instead of anyone in it.” And then watch what he does next. If he can’t even have that conversation without attacking you, then he’s not partnering he’s just letting you orbit his life on standby. And you deserve more than being the woman who’s always waiting for permission to matter.

[Tara]

You’re dating a man who has already told you exactly where you stand – behind his kids, behind his job, behind his stress, behind his excuses, behind anything that lets him avoid showing up for you. You keep trying to interpret this as “he’s a great dad” or “he’s busy,” but the reality is much simpler: you are optional to him. And he treats you like someone who will always patiently wait on the bench until he decides he has a free minute. That’s not love that’s convenience.

He didn’t cancel on you because his daughter “unexpectedly” came home. He canceled because it was easy. Because he knows you’ll swallow the disappointment. Because he’s trained you to believe that asking for basic effort means you’re attacking his kids. He weaponizes guilt every time you express a need. That is not noble fatherhood that is emotional manipulation wrapped in “parent” language.

And here’s the part you need to stop lying to yourself about: you will never come first. Not this year, not next year, not in five years. You won’t come second either. You come somewhere around fourth or fifth, depending on the week. And he likes it that way because it means he never has to commit, never has to prioritize you, never has to actually grow into a balanced partner. You’re dating a man who hides behind the title “good dad” to excuse being a shitty boyfriend.

You can’t “get him to discuss this.” He doesn’t want a discussion he wants compliance. The moment you voice a need, he attacks because it keeps the hierarchy intact: him → kids → job → you. And you keep trying to negotiate your place in a system where you were never given a seat to begin with.

So stop asking if you’re unreasonable. You’re not. You’re just in a relationship where your needs are treated like inconveniences. If you stay, this is your future: last-minute cancellations, emotional scraps, being framed as “anti-kid” any time you want something normal, and feeling guilty for wanting to matter.

[Sally]

You’re not asking him to choose you over his kids. You’re asking him not to forget you exist. There’s a big difference, and it sounds like he keeps acting like they’re the same thing.
An 18-year-old coming home for one day doesn’t automatically mean your anniversary has to disappear. He could’ve found a way to give you a little time, even if it wasn’t perfect.

What stings is he didn’t even try. He just flipped it back on you, like you were asking for something selfish.

And honestly… when someone blows up every time you talk about a real need, that’s a sign. It means they want the comfort of a relationship without the effort that comes with it.
You’re not wrong for wanting to matter. You just need someone who doesn’t make you feel guilty for it.

[Natalie Noah]

I hear your frustration and disappointment. it’s completely natural to want to feel like a priority in your relationship, especially on something as special as an anniversary. At the same time, your boyfriend’s circumstances being a parent to minors and having a demanding job as an Air Force pilot mean that his time and attention are already stretched thin. The fact that his daughter is coming home unexpectedly is beyond his control, and it makes sense that he wants to be there for her. That doesn’t mean you don’t matter; it just means that sometimes life and responsibilities temporarily take precedence. In situations like this, flexibility and understanding are key, because the rhythm of a blended family and a high-demand job will always require some give and take.

That said, your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to express them but it has to be done without framing it as him choosing the kids over you. Focus on the positive: your relationship is strong, you have a one-year milestone to celebrate, and you can creatively make it special even if it isn’t on the exact day. Propose alternative plans a romantic brunch, a celebratory dinner the following weekend, or even a cozy night together after the funeral. By showing patience and adaptability, you honor his commitments while still carving out meaningful time together. In essence, this is about balance, communication, and keeping perspective: love isn’t about the perfect date, it’s about being present and supportive through life’s unexpected moments

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