[KKP]

Hey all,
I have been dating this girl for over 9 years, we met at school, I am 25. Everything was great, we are both from Zambia. We both went for University in the UK, then she stayed on to do her masters, I came back home to help in the family Business, as that’s where my skills and efforts will be rewarded most. She stayed behind to do her Masters, we were in a long distance relationship, which was fine whilst she was at school, then she found a job, that’s when it all started getting funny, she broke up with me (this was 2 years ago), i panicked, and was so scared, i followed her to the UK, she wouldn’t give in, so i let it go, planned a holiday to the States, just before i left she called, I went over, all was fine, and I left her feeling confident all would be OK, I got back to Zambia and she started acting weird, I then found out she did cheat on me that’s why she left me, I forgave her instantly, we planned a trip to meet in Egypt a few months later, 2 weeks before we were about to leave she tells me she didn’t want this. I tried to plead, it didn’t help, i let it go, 2 months later she called just before she got back to Zambia for a holiday, we met, and we got back together, I was over the moon as she made a plan on her coming back to settle, our marriage etc, we spoke about everything. All was good, we even attended a family wedding from her side in the States a few months after, was great, she then came to Zambia a few months after that trip i made, and she actually said she was ready for marriage, and she proposed to me, I said i would ask her properly in the next year. Then i went over a few months later, took her with me on a business trip to Holland, made a holiday of it, all was fine. Got back home, and she was already set to be back for Christmas holidays which was only 3 months away, she calls and said she is confused again, doesn’t know, “love you but not in love with you” etc. I fought for her, but then i let it go. She came in December. we finally made up, she told her parents all her plans, she told me what she wants to do (work for a year then move back, get married etc). This was over a 2 year period. Now its been 2 months since she left and she has started again…”i wish i loved you the way i should, the way you deserve, I wish i was excited by you, crazy about you…but im not”…”I made a promise to you that i keep breaking, and to my parents so I’m gonna stick to it even though im unhappy”…these are her words, i know and she has admitted that I have done nothing wrong, and she is confused…i still love her so much and when she is with me it is so good, i want to marry her, want her in my life, I don’t know why she is doing this. its like she can take back such important words and decisions over night, and has no care for anyone else in her life. Then she tried to guilt me by saying she would stay with me etc…i just told her that i would rather not have your unhappiness on my conscience so i let it go. She has not even contacted me yet 4 days prior to all this she says “i love you so much”…how is this possible, she looked for so many excuses, and its almost as if she was too much of a coward to just one out and say it as she couldn’t deal with the shame so she pushed me away and manipulated me to break it off..But i still really love her, i still want her and i can get over this, she just wont give me a chance. I could give her everything (we are Indian BTW), parents love me, really happy with me etc…which she pushed for all these years. and now that we have a good relationship and are happy with me, she uses it against me as an excuse and says…it feels like an arranged relationship…how is that even possible, nobody held a gun to her head when she made the choice to come back, to plan ahead…but she shared it with me and her parents, so naturally parents will get excited and push you to do certain things as any parents would…I don’t know what to do….How do i get her back. I want to go over there. Everyone tells me not to talk to her, not to go over to the UK, not to keep selling myself, or trying to talk her round… they all say that i have been too nice, that i haven’t given her a chance to miss me or work for anything or prove anything, shes taken it all for granted, so her head has become big, that’s why she treats me like this, and is probably using me as a safety net…which too some extent might be true because nobody can be confused for 2 years! and so up and down. is she that selfish? Please help me, what do i do, I really want her back, and i dont think someone can stop loving you over night. And i believe if it is the spark she wants, its just natural for it to die down after 9 years, and be substituted for compassion, companionship, happiness, stability….real love…is she immature, is there someone else, is it her job…I’m so confused what to do, please help me.
KP

[AskApril Masini]

I’m going to assume she’s about 25, like you, and since you’ve been dating for 9 years, she probably doesn’t have a lot of experience with other men, and isn’t as ready as you are to settle down. She feels comfortable with you, she loves you, and you’re like family to her — but she wants to experience more of the world, but not lose you. She wants you to be there for her, while she does whatever she wants. This isn’t going to change any time soon.

The choice is yours. If you stay with her, expect more of the same. But if you break up — and I mean really break up (no contact) — you’ll have a chance to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do in life.

Feelings are not enough to make a marriage work (or a relationship, for that matter). Behavior has to match the feelings, and if it doesn’t, trust the behavior as a judge of character.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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