[BabyGirl]

When I first moved in with my fiance 11 months ago we were both under the agreement to split the mutual bills for the rent and utilities and food etc. We both have custody if our two children each from our previous marriages (four total kids from ages 4-14). Niether of us gets any child support from our exs for the kids, but by moving in together we thought to save some money by combining our rent and other living bills. However the move for me made my job approx 1 hour away, leaving me to change from a 5 minute commute to an hour commute – with my two children who still attend school and daycare near my work so I can be near them in case of emergency. Shorty after we moved in, my fience lost his job due to the economy. He was unhappy with his years in construction work anyway and after some discussion he was amped and ready to go back to school to get a better job, and I was happy to support him completly emotionally and as much finacially as I could until he could land a new job while attending school also. He promised and worked very hard looking for several months while attending school full time. And for the most part, we were able to stay afloat for a few months. However its been nearly a year and he very rarly even looks for any work, and now refuses to get any job tht is not related to the medical assisting work (which he is studying for). Which limits his possibilities – not that the jobs are not out there, but with the economy as it is there are 60 applicants for every one job, and with him still in school most companies will not even consider him. In the begining he went from 15-20 applications submited weekly to now maybe 2-4 per month. And finacially we are sinking. Fast. Utilites continue to get turned off and our last two rent checks have bounced. On top of that food is getting harder and harder to keep in the house and often diner involves days of Mac and cheese and wild game meat given to us. We have talked about the problems and getting a job but he keeps putting it off using school as an excuse often.
Now dont get me wrong, he is a very good student at school and is getting 4.0, perfect attendance (note that his schoool is also an hour from our home and he is normally the first one there and the last to leave, always offering assistance to the teachers for extra credit.) He also in the 11 months hes been ther has been student body VP and just got elected Student body president until the end of the quarter. He is an amazing father, friend and I believe very much so that we are soul mates, we have never really ahd an argument or problem otherwise. He is my lover and my best friend. But despite my addressing concerns over money with him he will not find even a part time job after school to help out unless its a medical assisting job. I cant get another job as I am at my work 45-50 hours a week on top of the dropping off and picking up my kids and the two hour a day commute with them im gone 12 hours a day from home.
I’m over worked, stressed, broke and starting to feel resenful toward him about the issue, but cant get through to him. I love him, but its almost too much for me right now to deal with anymore. Its pushing me over the edge. How can I talk to him about the issue without hurting him or getting overly angry about it to him and still get it through his head that despite his efforts to be a perfecy student – its affecting our family?

[Ask April Masini]

You gambled on a man, and lost. He was a bad bet. Now it’s time to cut your losses and get out.

I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but your priorities as a single mother have to be your children, and your relationship with this man is taking food out of your kids’ mouths and putting their mother in a high stress position so she can’t be there for them the way she was when she was single.

Being a soul mate, a best friend, a lover, and in love — will all mean nothing when the lights get shut off, the car gets repossessed, there’s no money for food and you’re being evicted.

You need to get your act together, and that requires you putting your emotions on the shelf, and your children first and foremost. Move out. Move back to where you used to live so you can cut your stress by being close to your job and your children’s’ school.

You’re enabling your boyfriend big time, and actually making the problem worse by propping him up. When you have little kids, especially since you’re not receiving child support, you should NOT be investing in your boyfriend’s career. He sounds like a deadbeat, and you should be with a man who sees a problem and rolls up his sleeves to take care of it. You’re making excuses for your boyfriend instead of seeing him for who he is now.

If you have full custody of your children, and aren’t collecting child support, you need to get into court and ask for an order awarding your children support. They deserve it and your responsibility is to get it for them.

Get your act together as a single mother, and only then, should you consider dating.

I hope that helps! 🙂

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