[orchie]

a close friend of mine died a while ago and i asked my bf to accompany me and support me. he said yes but after a few hours he told me that it’s his mom’s bday and he has class early tomorrow that’s why he can’t come… suddenly he texts me that he’s with his friend and they started drinking at about 2pm today… it’s really irritating and i called him to tell him about my situation and about how i really want him to be with me. and about knowing how to prioritize. i told him that he can be with his friends anytime but this situation of mine happens once in a lifetime. he said that i’m trying to manipulate his conscience even though my thoughts are clean… he said he’ll be with me tomorrow instead.. i’m really disappointed and i don’t know what to do. i’m very depressed and sad and confused… help… thanks in advance.

[teamkobe85]

He should absolutely be with you. You should come before his friends. Tell him to figure out what his priorities are, and if you’re not above his friends in a time of need, you need to let this one go. Sry.

[AskApril Masini]

Your boyfriend is sending you a clear message that your need to have him accompany you somewhere while you are grieving the death of a friend is not that important to him. Your disappointment is understandable. What you did right was express your disappointment to him. What you did wrong was to tell him that he needs to know how to prioritize. He did prioritize! You just weren’t on top of the list of priorities.

Accept who he is, and understand that he is not someone who is going to be there for you in these circumstances. I have to agree with when he argued that you’re trying to manipulate his conscience. I think you want his priorities to be yours and instead of expressing your feelings of sadness and disappointment, you tried to change him and make him feel badly about his decision.

If you choose a boyfriend, don’t try to change him. It will only lead to anger and dysfunction. You can show him new ways to do things and you can show him your feelings, but he’s only going to do what works for him, just as you’re only going to do what works for you. When there’s enough overlap of what works for each of you individually then you have the grounds for a successful relationship. If your boyfriend has enough other good qualities then maybe this is something you can overlook and find a relative or another friend to accompany you during these types of sad times.

[orchie]

i see your point… thanks… but i think that what he did was hurtful and insulting.. maybe what i should have said instead was how i felt about what he did… but still, i think that him going out and drinking with friends while his girlfriend is mourning is quite immature.. maybe i’ll just have to accept that..

[AskApril Masini]

I was hoping that you’d read my advice and draw the conclusion that you deserve better.

But after reading your response, that you’re going to consider accepting him as he is, I want to urge you to drop him. He isn’t long term boyfriend material because he puts you so low on his priority scale. You’re not going to be able to change him because he’s so clear with you that you just don’t rank.

If your friend dies, you’re grieving and he doesn’t want to be with you, what do you have in him, really? Not much. And why would you give your heart, your body and your company to someone who doesn’t value you?

Your relationship is not as valuable to him as his own life without you is. Take the hint he’s giving you, and run with it. Get out there and find someone who does value you and who would drop what they’re doing to be by your side if a friend died. Don’t waste another minute of your time.

I hope that’s clearer for you.

[orchie]

gosh.. i was really blinded by the facts.. you’re right.. he’s not long term boyfriend material… if he’s going to ditch me at a time of grieving.. maybe he’ll do the same on other problems..

it’s clear what his priority is..

thanks april..

[AskApril Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

The deep hurt and disappointment you experienced when your boyfriend chose to spend time drinking with friends instead of supporting you during a moment of grief. Your feelings are completely valid losing someone close is a rare and profoundly emotional event, and wanting your partner by your side in that moment is natural. The fact that he prioritized a social outing over your need for comfort speaks volumes about how he values you in his life. It’s understandable that you feel hurt and insulted; what he did wasn’t just a casual misstep, it revealed his inability or unwillingness to truly step into your emotional world when it mattered most.

The insight April provides is crucial: your boyfriend has shown, through his actions, that he doesn’t consider your needs a top priority. While you might have initially thought you could accept this behavior or influence him to care differently, the reality is that his choices are consistent and telling. If he can so easily disregard your pain for the sake of casual socializing, it’s unlikely he will be reliable or emotionally supportive in other, future situations. This isn’t about you being unreasonable; it’s about recognizing that someone who truly values you would make time for you in your moments of need, no exceptions.

The takeaway here is about clarity and self-respect. You’ve realized, as April pointed out, that he isn’t long-term boyfriend material because he has made his priorities clear. Accepting this doesn’t mean giving up on love. it means opening the door to finding someone who will consistently show up for you, who will prioritize you when it matters, and who will provide the support and care you deserve. Holding on to someone who demonstrates otherwise only prolongs disappointment and heartache, whereas stepping away allows you to invest your energy in someone whose actions align with your needs and values.

[Member]

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