[guywantslove]

Hello everyone,
Thanks for reading this and providing me comments and thoughts.
I have been with my girlfriend now for 6 months. We regularly talk about how much we are in love, how we have found each other’s “one”, how we want to get married and have kids etc.
About 4 years ago a guy she was seeing for about 1 year tragically took his own life whilst they were together. I cant start to imagine how hard this was for her at the time. It has now approached the time where the anniversary of his death is here. During this time, she goes through all their old love letters, photos of just them two in romantic and loving themes, videos of them kissing and telling each other how much they love each other and she also posts messages up on facebook telling everyone how much she misses him.
I’m having mixed thoughts on how I feel about this. I really want to be able to support her but I feel uncomfortable about what she has not let go and feel that she should not be bringing the “strong love component” of their old relationship into ours. I feel that she needs to remember him as a person always, but I strongly believe that there needs to be boundaries for what she should be doing around this time of year if she truly wants to move on and fall in love again. We seem to disagree and we have both spoken to our own friends about it and her friends have a completely different opinion to my friends. So I was hoping to get a non bias discussion going on this. Please provide me some feedback on what you believe is appropriate in this situation as I would really like to show further support and not let this be a challenge in our relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating is a process where you figure out if someone is going to be your Ms. Right. It sounds like you jumped the gun when you started discussing marriage and children before you got to know her well enough to see she has some emotional baggage that may not be compatible with what you’re looking for in a woman.

I know you want her to be a certain way and you have certain ideas about what boundaries she should have, but the bottom line is that if she’s not ready to make a change in her behavior or her life, and if you aren’t either, then it’s important for you to see who she is and decide if she’s right for you. People grieve in different ways and different types of deaths create different situations for those left behind. Sometimes deaths like cancer or a car accident are awful, but understandable. It’s a lot easier to accept the tragedy and let go. When someone commits suicide there is a lot more guilt and lingering emotion among those who feel they could have done something to stop the act or feel that they may have been partly responsible for the act.

I don’t know a lot about why her late boyfriend committed suicide, or if they were dating when he did it, but it sounds like she is profoundly affected by this event in her life. I also don’t know how old you both are or how old he was when he died, which would help by hinting towards her life experience and maturity in processing this.

But from what you’ve told me, you have to understand that everybody brings baggage to the table. You have to use the dating process to decide if your baggage is compatible and if this is something you can accept in your relationship with her — or not. If not, this is the time to consider letting go and finding someone who is more compatible.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[guywantslove]

Thanks for the advice, yes she was seeing him when he passed away and we are both under 30 now.

Just one further question, I have this collection of old letters and photo’s from my previous partners. She has requested that I throw all of these out because I should not hold on to these. From what I understand these are a part of my life too and a history of who I am. I can’t see why she should be able to keep all her old stuff from this one person yet I am not allowed to keep my old stuff. This does not seem fair…..afterall he is an ex too.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Take the old love letters and photos and send them to your parents house to be stored in the attic there. For now, at the six month mark of your relationship with her, these mementos shouldn’t be an issue. If they’re out and about and you’re looking at them every day, then she’s probably got a point that you’re not over your old relationships and aren’t ready to move on. But if you’re truly keeping them as a history of who you are, then keep them — but out of sight.

It really sounds like the two of you are losing perspective and getting into a tit for tat argument on who gets to keep their old relationship mementos, why, and who doesn’t and why. It’s taking you away from what’s important: figuring out if you’re each someone the other wants to continue dating and forging a future with. Stay focused! 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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