[Jacob]

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year, and her relationship with her friends is becoming a major issue. They are an extremely tight-knit group, which I initially admired, but now I see it as codependent. They have a group chat that she is on constantly, even during our dates, and they expect her to be available for them 24/7. If one of them has a minor emotional crisis, she is expected to drop everything—including plans with me—to go be with them. They make plans for her and expect her to attend without ever checking if we had something scheduled.

I feel like I am not in a relationship with one person, but with her entire friend group. When I try to talk to her about setting boundaries, she gets defensive and says I am trying to isolate her from her support system. She doesn’t see their demands as excessive. I want to be a supportive partner, but I also need to feel like a priority. I’m starting to feel resentful because I am always expected to come second to her friends. How can I navigate this without coming across as controlling?

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[Ask April Masini Advice Expert]

Your concern boils down to your girlfriend prioritizing her friends over you. There could be several reasons for this. One being that she’s been friends with them for years, while you’ve only been in her life for about a year.

What stood out to me in your question was your use of words like “boundaries” and “excessive demands.” It seems like you might be framing this conversation as trying to help her break free from an unhealthy friendship group, when really, what you need to do is be upfront about what you want, more of her time.

No surprise she might feel like you’re trying to cut her off from her support system. Friends are crucial to us, and she’s had those friends way longer than she’s had you.

If you want more time with her, you need to be direct. Tell her how you feel, how you believe she puts her friends before you, and let her know that you’d like to spend quality time together without any interference from her friends, especially on dates. That’s just basic respect.

You also need to make hanging out with you more interesting. Show her that being with you is exciting and worth her time more than whatever her friends are doing. Engage in interesting activities together.

But if you can’t accept the way her friendships work or exercise the patience necessary to solve this issue, then this relationship isn’t for you.

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