[Ella]

When I married my husband, he was active and took pride in his appearance. Over the past five years, however, he has completely let himself go. He’s gained a significant amount of weight, never exercises, and has stopped caring about his hygiene or how he dresses, even for special occasions. I love him for who he is, but I no longer feel physically attracted to him, and I feel immense guilt for feeling this way.

I’ve tried to gently encourage him to be more active or suggest healthier meals, but he gets defensive and says I should love him for who he is, not how he looks. I know that’s true, but physical attraction is an important part of a romantic relationship for me, and it’s completely gone. How do I address this sensitive issue without sounding superficial or making him feel like I don’t love him?

[Ask April Masini]

When a man who once took pride in his appearance suddenly stops caring about how he looks, whether it’s his hygiene, the way he dresses, or his body, it usually means one of two things.

He’s either gotten too comfortable after marriage and no longer feels the need to impress anyone, or he’s struggling with something deeper, stress, burnout, or even depression.

That’s why approaching it from the angle of physical attraction won’t help. It’s not about looks right now; it’s about what’s going on inside.

So, which do you think it is, comfort or mental illness? Once you tell me which you think it is, I’ll know how to move forward.

[Heart Whisperer]

I completely understand what you’re feeling. It’s not shallow to miss the attraction or the effort that once existed. I’ve been married for ten years, and I’ve learned that physical attraction often fades when emotional connection or self-care fades too. It’s rarely just about looks; it’s about how someone’s energy and confidence make us feel.

Try approaching the topic with care and empathy. Instead of focusing on his appearance, frame it as wanting both of you to feel healthier and more alive together. Maybe start taking walks, cooking lighter meals, or doing something active as a couple. Sometimes, when a partner feels loved and supported rather than judged, it reignites their motivation and confidence.

You deserve to feel attracted to your partner, and it’s okay to want that without guilt. Love grows best when both people keep showing up for themselves and for each other.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe, love isn’t a free pass to stop trying 💅 attraction fades when effort does. tell him you miss the version of him that showed up, not the one hiding behind “love me as i am.” love’s mutual, not maintenance-free.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re not shallow for noticing attraction change. You’re human. But you also don’t get to weaponize that truth and shred him with criticism. There are two likely explanations (as April said): either he’s comfortable and complacent, or something heavy stress, burnout, depression is eating him. The difference matters because it tells you what kind of response will actually work.
Start there: look for signs of depression (low energy, changes in sleep, loss of interest in activities, withdrawal, unexplained weight change, poor hygiene beyond laziness). If any of those are present, this is a health problem, not a petty vanity issue and he needs compassion and a checkup (and possibly professional help). If he’s just “comfortable,” then he’s chosen comfort over effort; that’s not abusive, but it is a relationship choice you get to respond to.
How to talk to him so it doesn’t explode: pick a calm moment, use “I” language, keep it small and practical. Example, I love you. Lately I’ve felt less connected physically and I want us both to feel better. Are you feeling ok? Would you be open to a checkup and trying one small change with me for six weeks like two workouts a week together and cooking three healthy dinners?
Frame it as team stuff “we’ll do it together” not “fix yourself.” Offer specific, tiny steps (doctor visit, one walk/week, new toothbrush/haircut day, laundry/wardrobe refresh). Ask him which small thing he’d be willing to try and set a short check-in (two weeks) to see how it’s going.
Finally, protect yourself emotionally. Decide what you need to feel attracted again and give him a reasonable timeline to show willingness to change (not perfection). If after honest attempts he refuses to try or gets hostile, you have to accept the consequences stay and live with less attraction, or walk toward what you need. Love shouldn’t require erasing your own needs.
If you want, I’ll write two scripts: one for a “health-concern” tone (gentle/medical) and one for a “relationship-change” tone (firm/team plan). Which one do you want first?

[Author]

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