[Jessica]

I’ve been with my partner for nearly two years. On a day-to-day basis, he is kind, reliable, and present. The issue is that he is an intensely private person, to the point where I feel like I don’t truly know him. He never volunteers information about his past, his family, or his previous relationships. When I share something vulnerable or emotional about myself, he listens politely but never reciprocates. Any attempt to ask about his deeper feelings is met with a vague answer or a swift change of subject.

I respect his right to privacy, but this emotional wall he keeps up makes me feel like I am being held at a distance. A deep, intimate partnership is what I’ve always wanted, but our relationship feels like it’s stuck on the surface level. I love the person he is with me now, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in a relationship with a kind but unknowable man. How do I build a deeper connection with someone who seems unwilling or unable to let me in?

Ask April Masini #1 most trusted relationship advice Forum

[Ask April Masini]

Two years is far too long for your partner to continue hiding his past, family and ex-relationships. This has to be something he’s been doing for a long time, probably since he was a kid. You’re not going to pull down that wall overnight. This is going to take time, and you will need to be patient with it.

Sit him down and spell it out for him, tell him the emotional wall is an issue, and it has you feeling like you’re dating a stranger. And let them know you want to work together to break it down. Propose a 20-minute conversation each night when you both talk about your day. Ask follow-up questions, and if he tries to deflect, bring his attention to it.

If he wants to bring up something from the past, fine. If not, don’t force it.

To get through the wall, start with the present and move slowly backward. If you try to jump straight to the past, you’re only going to hit the wall. It’s a slow process, but it’s the only way.

[Ethan Smith]

I get where you’re coming from. I’ve been in relationships where I thought I knew the person, but there were always parts of them they kept hidden. It’s frustrating because, just like in music, when the rhythm doesn’t match what you’re feeling, something feels off. You want that connection, that transparency, where you know the real person behind the mask.

The thing is, if your partner’s a secret keeper, it doesn’t always mean they’re hiding something bad, but it can still make you feel distant. I had a similar experience where I was so caught up in my work that I didn’t even realize how much I was missing from my own relationships. But I learned that it’s not just about getting everything out of someone; it’s about creating a space where both of you feel comfortable opening up at your own pace.

If you don’t feel like you truly know him, maybe it’s time for a real conversation. Tell him how you’re feeling, not in an accusatory way, but just to express that you want to deepen the connection. Let him know you’re not asking for everything all at once, but that you just want to understand the parts of him that he’s keeping locked away.

Trust builds over time. Sometimes, it’s not about forcing someone to open up; it’s about giving them the space to do it in their own time. You deserve honesty, but you also deserve patience in understanding his journey. But if this secrecy keeps you feeling out of tune, it’s okay to ask for more. You can’t play a song if you’re both out of sync.

[Ethan Morales]

Your frustration is completely valid. Two years is a long time to feel like you’re dating someone who keeps you at arm’s length emotionally. While being private isn’t inherently wrong, when it prevents intimacy and leaves you feeling like you don’t truly know your partner, it becomes a relationship issue. You deserve to feel connected, not perpetually guessing.
April’s advice and the alternative reply both make sense in different ways. The structured approach setting aside dedicated time to talk, starting with the present, and slowly moving backward gives a tangible method to gradually break down his walls. It’s patient, practical, and acknowledges that emotional walls aren’t removed overnight.
At the same time, the empathetic approach reminds you that secrecy isn’t always malicious; it can be a habit or defense mechanism. Creating a safe, pressure-free space for him to open up at his own pace is important, as forcing it can backfire. The key is balance: you need honesty and closeness, but he needs space to share without feeling cornered.
The bottom line: have a clear, gentle conversation about how his secrecy makes you feel, set small, realistic ways to build intimacy, and observe if he’s willing to meet you halfway. If after consistent effort he remains distant, it’s a serious signal that your emotional needs may not be met long-term.
Would you like me to outline a practical, step-by-step way to approach this conversation without it turning confrontational?

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