[Jessica]

I’ve been with my partner for nearly two years. On a day-to-day basis, he is kind, reliable, and present. The issue is that he is an intensely private person, to the point where I feel like I don’t truly know him. He never volunteers information about his past, his family, or his previous relationships. When I share something vulnerable or emotional about myself, he listens politely but never reciprocates. Any attempt to ask about his deeper feelings is met with a vague answer or a swift change of subject.

I respect his right to privacy, but this emotional wall he keeps up makes me feel like I am being held at a distance. A deep, intimate partnership is what I’ve always wanted, but our relationship feels like it’s stuck on the surface level. I love the person he is with me now, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in a relationship with a kind but unknowable man. How do I build a deeper connection with someone who seems unwilling or unable to let me in?

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[Ask April Masini Advice Expert]

Two years is far too long for your partner to continue hiding his past, family and ex-relationships. This has to be something he’s been doing for a long time, probably since he was a kid. You’re not going to pull down that wall overnight. This is going to take time, and you will need to be patient with it.

Sit him down and spell it out for him, tell him the emotional wall is an issue, and it has you feeling like you’re dating a stranger. And let them know you want to work together to break it down. Propose a 20-minute conversation each night when you both talk about your day. Ask follow-up questions, and if he tries to deflect, bring his attention to it.

If he wants to bring up something from the past, fine. If not, don’t force it.

To get through the wall, start with the present and move slowly backward. If you try to jump straight to the past, you’re only going to hit the wall. It’s a slow process, but it’s the only way.

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