[diego0911]

Hi April,
Ill just jump straight into this. For the past 2 years, the infrequency of our sex life has become worse than that of the stereotyped married couple, with intimacy occuring just once every three or four months. I have no idea why, neither does my partner (apparantly), and she gets really cagey and continuously apologizes about it whenever it gets mentioned. The problem certainly isnt with me, and (unless shes a far better actor than i give her credit for) it isnt with performance either, bieng as for the first two years, i couldnt keep her away with a very long stick. She keeps saying that she thinks the presence of our daughter in the house makes her too uncomfortable, but after two weekend getaways in the last three months, where our daughter has stayed with her grandmother, intimacy has still completely failed to occur. I dont believe that physical relations are the key to a relationship, but I do believe that they are an important part, and Im not angry at her for not wanting to, I dont want intimacy with her unless its something she wants too. But the frustrations are building and its getting very difficult for me. I feel very agitated, and i struggle to get motivated now, and i feel like its because of this deprevation. When things have been good in the bedroom, they havent been boring, with aids, outfits, games and a myriad of positions flying around all over the place, so I dont understand the disinterest. Ive never taken advice forums seriously before, but now Im hoping youll have some solid advice to prove my ignorance wrong.
Please help April.

[AskApril Masini]

What readers can’t see is your pre-posting questionnaire where you mention that you have a 3 year old together. It’s a lot of work to maintain a relationship with a toddler at home! And it’s really easy to get stressed because of work, parenting and maintaining a home — and that stress affects your sex drives. In addition, you probably have less alone time because of your child, than you had before and it’s hard to feel romantic when you’re used to doing so much care taking. Being a parent is very different from feeling like a sexy partner, which is probably part of what’s going on here. And on top of all that, it’s normal to fall out of your best routines that include having regular sex — in a good relationship that goes long term! You have to work at keeping your love life going, and I can give you a few ideas to make that happen.

Why not try to get out of the rut you’re in? For instance, get a babysitter for an entire weekend — grandparents or aunts and uncles are great — and go out of town. Getting away from the routine you’ve fallen into may jumpstart your sex life. Next, focus on getting the romance back into your routine — and have a date night. If it sounds cheesy, it is — and it works! Dinner, just the two of you — at a restaurant — where you talk about things besides your child, is going to put the focus back on the two of you. And lastly, try just doing it. Sometimes you don’t have to be in the mood, but you do have to get back into the right swing of things. If you both agree that you want to get back to having regular and more frequent sex, then commit to it, whether you’re in the mood or not — just to get the wheels moving.

[Sally]

When sex slowly disappears, it doesn’t just mess with your body it messes with your confidence, your energy, your sense of being wanted. So you’re not crazy for feeling agitated or worn down by it.

What stands out to me isn’t the lack of sex itself, but how shut down she gets when it comes up. The apologies, the cagey answers, the excuses that don’t really line up anymore that usually means there’s something deeper she either can’t name or doesn’t want to face. It might be exhaustion, hormones, identity shifts after becoming a mom, or something emotional she’s disconnected from. But pretending nothing’s wrong isn’t fair to you.

You’re doing the right thing by not forcing intimacy. But you also don’t have to quietly starve. At some point, this needs a real, honest conversation not about sex acts, but about closeness, desire, and whether she wants to work toward that again. If she won’t engage, that silence becomes its own answer.
You’re allowed to want to feel wanted.

[Member]

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